Being stabbed in the back is one of the most painful human experiences. Betrayal cuts like a knife and it forever changes you. Being hurt by someone who is supposed to love you can take years to recover from. You lose your ability to trust others and you lose you ability to trust yourself. Luckily, your soul is resilient. Like a broken bone, it has the ability to knit itself back together.

I remember the moment so clearly, the day everything just clicked. I had been focusing on my narcissistic ex’s abusive behavior, ruminating on how cruel they had been. I was trying to figure out why they treated me the way they did. Suddenly, the thought entered my mind,

“Why did you put up with it?”

That question changed everything. I shifted my focus away from my ex and placed my full attention on myself. Answering that question became my quest and set me on the healing path.

Why did I put up with it?

Why did I tolerate it?

What made me think that abuse was love?

Why did I think they would change and suddenly become a nice person?

Why did I have narcissistic friends? Partners? Family members? Bosses? Landlords?

I then asked the bigger question: Why were narcissists repeatedly showing up in my life?

Why do I try to explain myself to them or tip toe around so that they leave me alone?

Why do I hang around hoping they will become the version of themselves I want them to be?

Why do I hope they will change and treat me better?

When I finally went no-contact and gave myself the space to discover who I was, I started taking better care of myself. I learned about boundaries. I learned that I had needs and rights. As I continued my study of the soul and completed my Soul Realignment™️ certification, I had a profound realization: I am not here to be validated by anybody. Perfection does not exist. There is no perfect family, no perfect friends and no such thing as a perfect life. I am here to validate myself and live in a way that feels authentic to me.

I am here to heal myself by removing the blocks and limitations that are holding me back from reaching my potential. This is the only way I can be of service to myself and to others. To do this, I have to remove toxic people and influences from my life, and they need to do the same.

Each of us has trauma. Some people have deeper wounds than others but essentially, we all have baggage: Shame, neglect, abandonment, abuse, fear, regret. From this perspective we are all one — the human race is one, big, dysfunctional family.

The work of each human soul is to heal and purify itself. Being embodied and therefore ‘separate’ allows the soul to make choices and experience consequences. Being in a human body gives the soul a unique opportunity to heal, ascend and evolve.

However, nothing in this life is promised. You are not guaranteed the perfect family or an easy life. You are born into a particular family, culture and society. And from the moment you take your first breath, you are programmed with the beliefs and behaviors of the people around you. Positive or negative, you adopt these beliefs and programs as your own. Healing involves unbecoming and deprogramming many of these beliefs and programs.

I grew up in a family where hitting, shouting, smashing things, smashing heads, abuse and aggression were the norm. Women were there to serve men. I spent my whole life trying to earn the love of the people who raised me. Instead of seeing them for the abusers and misogynists that they were, I tried to make them love me. It took me decades to accept that this is who they are. They will never change and they will never give me the love and validation I deserve.

Just because someone is your parent, stepparent, sibling or half-sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin, does not mean you owe them your undying loyalty. Loyalty, like trust, needs to be earned and maintained. Once broken, it is very, very hard to repair.

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” ~ Raymond Lindquist

Your job as a human is to heal yourself. Your purpose is not to heal other people, including your family. This is the biggest mistake self-proclaimed empaths and codependents make — believing they can heal or fix the narcissist instead of healing themselves.

This faulty belief that you can fix, heal or save a narcissist is what keeps them in your life.

This belief keeps you stuck in repeating cycles. Whether the narcissist is your boss, a parent or a lover, you are seeking validation from people who never treat you the way you want to be treated! They never validate you or appreciate you. Instead of acknowledging this, you double down, trying to get them to see you. To validate you. Using logic, you try to explain yourself to them. You try to show them that they are wrong. You try to explain basic human behavior to them. You make excuses for them…

All your focus is on THEM and trying to get them to love and validate you, in a way that feels good to you. What is really going on here is that you are in denial of who they really are. Their behavior and the way that they treat you, is indicative of who they are as a person.

If they are hurting you and treating you with disrespect, they are showing you that they don’t love and respect you. This is a painful truth, especially if it’s a family member, a romantic partner or close friend. Your denial of the truth of who they are keeps you stuck in repeating cycles of abuse.

The million dollar question still remains: Why are you tolerating abusive, rude, neglectful or controlling behavior?

The hard truth is that you are abandoning yourself. You are allowing people to treat you in the same manner that you treat yourself. It’s NOT your fault that narcissists treat you this way but it is your fault for staying. That is where your wound lies. Your wound is the ‘thing’ that is keeping you hooked in a dynamic that does not feel good.

It’s not your fault for being born into a toxic family. It’s not your fault for being duped by a narcissist or a sociopath. But it is your responsibility to remove yourself from the relationship once you realize what is going on. People will treat you the way they want to treat you. You cannot make them treat you differently. If you have asked someone more than once not to treat you in a certain way, and they continue to do so, don’t make excuses for them. It’s not your job to make them a better person. Be kind to yourself and walk away.

However, walking away is not enough. You have to do the inner work to heal. If you don’t, you will simply walk into a new relationship and repeat the same pattern. You will continue to recreate your childhood with the same types of people, until you heal and validate yourself.

When you finally learn to love and validate yourself, it’s as if a veil lifts. You see people clearly for who and what they are. You can see who is unhealed. You can clearly see who has a personality disorder. You can spot manipulative tactics and you can sense dishonesty. You are no longer a naive, little child desperately seeking approval in every person you meet.

Self-validation is powerful. You validate your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. You know what you know. You see what you see. You hear what you hear. Even when you don’t like what you see or feel (especially when it involves a parent, spouse or sibling) you still validate yourself. You can love them from a distance. Self-validation means you validate that this person makes you suffer, and you love yourself enough to say, “I don’t deserve to suffer.”

Many parents love their children unconditionally and many parents don’t. Narcissists in particular, lack the empathy and capacity to love in healthy ways. Giving birth or becoming a parent does not magically change them. Real love comes from deep within. A narcissist does not love themselves, instead, they have created a false self. The capacity for love is simply not there.

We buy into the idea that love is outside of us. We believe that we are whole and healthy if another person loves and validates us. This is why society is so focused on “finding love” or creating the “perfect body”. This external fixation on romantic love and the perfect selfie is an illusion. True love comes first and foremost from within your own heart. No amount of external validation will ever make up for a deficit of self-love.

Why were you not taught to love yourself?

Why were you not shown how to validate yourself?

Why were you programmed to get these things from other people?

It is a travesty that you were not taught how to stay present with yourself. When you become super connected and present with yourself, you can sense the truth immediately. When a toxic, manipulative or narcissistic person comes into your space, you see them for exactly who and what they are. What you used to find attractive, suddenly becomes repellent. When someone is speeding up a relationship, you can put on the brakes.

Sure, you can appreciate their hot body, their cute smile or their ripped muscles but behind the facade of physical attractiveness, you can see how unhealed they are. You see their inauthenticity, you feel the toxicity of their intentions. You see love-bombing for what it is — manipulation. You are no longer seduced by words, money, power, orgasms or looks. Your soul needs more.

When you love and validate yourself, you don’t need a relationship to feel lovable. If you need a relationship to feel lovable, then you will stay in a toxic relationship. From this perspective, to be alone means to be unloved. Therefore, an abusive relationship will feel like love.

As you learn to self-validate, instead of trying to heal a toxic person, you focus on healing yourself. You become comfortable being alone. You are your own best friend. You no longer need people to feel validated. You recognize when people have their own inner work to do, and you step back. You don’t waste your precious life entangled in other people’s toxicity. You choose to rather be on your own or you elevate your circle.

You get to the point where you can detach and move on with your life. How? You give up your expectations. As a child, you expected to have loving parents, loyal friends and supportive role models. But, as an adult, you realize that people often fall short. In truth, they often don’t live up to your expectations. So, instead of trying to get them to meet your needs, you meet your own needs. You learn to meet people where they are at. You don’t expect more than what they can give. Above all, you don’t take what they can’t give you personally.

IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO MAKE SOMEONE INTO THE PERSON YOU NEED THEM TO BE.

To heal, be honest with yourself. Recognize which relationships are not working out for you. Do what you’ve got to do to take care of YOU. If a parent, sibling, boss, lover, spouse or friend is unreliable, rude, nasty or abusive, they are not going to change. Whether you choose to put up with it or not, that is the choice you need to make.

Are you going to love and validate yourself? Or are you going to keep trying to get love and validation from an empty or poisoned well? Your purpose is not to try and get love and validation from your narcissistic parents or partner. That is not why you are here. A narcissist will never apologize or admit to what they have done to you. They will never validate your experiences or feelings. This is where you have to take back your power and validate yourself.

You validate yourself for what happened to you. You validate for yourself that they are narcissistic and abusive. You go and live your life free in the knowledge that you know the truth. Instead of looking for validation from everyone else, you validate yourself. When you can see the narcissist for who they truly are — a broken, unhealed, wounded soul, their behavior no longer hurts you. You do not need the validation of a sick and unhealed person to be okay.

The moment you realize you are dealing with someone who does not value you as a person, they are showing you who they are. Trying to get validation from someone who keeps hurting you is insane! When you validate yourself, you recognize when you are being treated with disrespect and you leave. You break the cycle of looking for love from people who are just like the narcissists from your past.

What gives you the strength to walk away is self-love. Self-love is not the love you find on a dating site. Dating sites are full of scammers and broken people looking for love outside of themselves. I am referring to the love you cultivate for yourself, within yourself. When you have real love for yourself, there is no way you are allowing someone into your life that has not earned the right to be there. Self-love is owning who you are, loving who you are and being present in the here and now.

Self-love says:

I am here.

I am present.

I am myself.

I like myself.

I know myself.

I love myself.

I know what is good for me.

I know what is bad for me.

I know when someone is disrespecting me.

I know when someone is trying to get a reaction out of me.

I know when someone is lying to me.

I know when someone is gaslighting me.

I validate myself.

Every human soul, including narcissists, will stay stuck in toxic cycles until they do the work to heal themselves. You reach a point where you are done suffering. You realize that suffering is a choice.

In reality, it is ridiculous to try and get love from a person who refuses to validate you. People who choose to behave terribly have no desire to change. If your parents have not validated you by now, they don’t want to validate you. They probably never will. Maybe they don’t love you or even like you. Maybe they never wanted to be a parent. Their own misery or self-loathing may be getting in the way. It’s not your job to figure it out. Your job is to love yourself and to live your life for you.

You don’t owe your parents anything and they don’t owe you anything. No-one owes anybody anything. If a relationship is not mutual and reciprocal, why be in it? If it is hurting you or distracting you, why waste your time? Nobody needs to validate you for you to exist. That is your job. Don’t outsource your need for love and validation to other people. They will never do a proper job because it’s not their job! It’s yours and yours alone.

From this place of self-validation, you can show up in relationships from a place of desire as opposed to coming from a place of need. Neediness always aligns with codependency or abuse. The narcissist needs energy and you need validation — it’s a perfect match.

Accept what is and stop fighting against reality. Validate that certain people don’t love you and love yourself. Instead of trying to figure out why certain people don’t like you, like yourself. Would you want to spend a month on an island with someone like you? Can you be alone with yourself for a month?

Be grateful for your life and celebrate that you can take it in any direction you choose. You are not here to live for your parents, your spouse, your job or your children. Not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is going to validate you or understand you. This is why it is so important to learn to validate everything for yourself. Validate what happened to you in the past. Validate the things you feel ashamed or embarrassed about. Own it all. Validate who you are as a person today. Validate who you are becoming and validate where you are going. This is what growing up looks like.

It’s not selfish to validate yourself. Needing others and clinging to others is selfish. This unhealed neediness is what keeps hooking you into toxic and narcissistic dynamics. Becoming your own person is powerful. It means you know how to be alone. You know how to self-validate and you know how to be yourself.

In conclusion

If you keep looking for love outside of yourself, you will keep attracting narcissists. If you do not do the work to heal and individuate, you will continue to attach to narcissists. You will relive these painful cycles until you realize you are the creator of your reality. You can take back your power and create something new without all the toxicity. You can be free of suffering. Life can feel good.

Acknowledge that you are never going to get validation from a narcissist. You will also never truly get it from other people. Validating yourself is part of maturing and becoming an adult. The gift of being in a narcissistic relationship is that you get to learn this lesson. You get to find out who you are on the inside.

To self-validate means that you no longer care what other people think. You are not worried about who is going to call you back or text you. You are not desperate for someone’s time or attention. You are not counting likes or follows. You are not begging to be chosen. You give yourself your time and attention. You choose yourself over and over again.

As a self-loving, self-validating person you will attract people who respect you. You won’t choose a partner to reenact your childhood wounds with. You finally graduate and move on from the pain.

Adult narcissistic relationships are a reflection of the war between your past, your present and how you feel about yourself on the inside. The narcissist represents your childhood story of pain. The old programs from childhood keeps you stuck in denial, codependency and self-abandonment. By self-abandonment, I mean you numb out how you really feel. You are disconnected from your feelings and your intuition. This kept you safe in childhood but in adulthood, it holds you in suffering.

To heal, let it all go and start again. Don’t waste another second of your precious life trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. What’s theirs, is theirs. What’s yours, is yours. Your life is a gift and it is yours to live. Become present and whole. Learn to be quiet and still. Go for walks, meditate, travel solo, do things by yourself. If you always need someone to go with you, ask yourself why? The journey back home to self is the most beautiful journey you will ever take.

“The only way out is in.” ~ Unknown