It’s not always as obvious as you think

Before I had language to describe and understand the abusive relationship I was in, I did not know I was in an abusive relationship. There were things that felt off and behaviors that felt hurtful, but I did not have a model or template of what healthy love looked like to recognize the signs of narcissistic abuse.

If you grew up with narcissistic abuse, then when that behavior shows up in your adult relationships, it feels familiar, and therefore normal.

Survivors of childhood abuse often find themselves in similarly abusive adult relationships. They don’t consciously choose these relationships, but their unconscious wounding, lack of boundaries and need for external validation makes them vulnerable to manipulative or narcissistic people. For survival, your nervous system is designed to gravitate to what feels familiar, even if what is familiar is not safe.

Why do you stay in an abusive or toxic relationship? The technique that the abuser uses to keep you hooked is called intermittent reinforcement. This hot/cold, nasty/nice, push/pull dynamic is what creates a trauma bond. They start by love-bombing you. They shower you with love, affection, gifts and time. You fall for them, and then they systematically start withdrawing love, affection, texts, calls or time. They give it, they withdraw it, they give it, they withdraw it.

Then they start to test your boundaries… They act badly and gauge your reaction. The more you tolerate, the more abusive they become. They act nice some of the time, so you believe they love you. Then suddenly, they act badly again… and you ignore the red flags and excuse their behavior. You stay because you believe that you need your abuser to survive. You see your abuser as your savior. Just as you may have seen your abusive parent as your provider and source of love and survival. Love gets mixed up with pain.

I remember feeling so confused, that I found myself on Google trying to establish if certain behaviors were normal or not. Not only did I not trust my own perception of reality, I did not have the language or vocabulary to describe my situation. I really struggled to find answers. I did not know what narcissistic abuse was yet. Therefore, I did not have words like gaslighting, countering or word salad as part of my vocabulary.

Another year or two would go by before I stumbled onto some articles on narcissism. Finally, the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. I realized that the people who were supposed to love and cherish me were deliberately hurting me.

By this stage, my body was starting to break down and I had been diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases — Rheumatoid Arthritis and Celiac disease. My body was telling me the truth of what was really going on in my relationships. My neck was constantly in spasm, and I was having anxiety and panic attacks. And still, I wondered if I was imagining “it”.

I am happy to say that my autoimmune diseases are in now remission. I am healthier and fitter than I have ever been in my life. A toxic relationship takes a huge toll on your physical, mental and emotional health. Healing happens once you break free from all the pattens, programs and relationships that kept you stuck. Self-love is the medicine.

Signs that you may be in a narcissistic relationship include the ‘idealize, devalue, discard’ cycle. Have you ever experienced behavior where you feel loved one second and then the next, you’re been criticized, belittled or made to feel crazy? If you have, then it’s possible that you were the victim of narcissistic abuse.

Calling someone a narcissist is something that perhaps gets over-used these days, but narcissism, and narcissistic personality disorder, is a very real thing. And if you are in one of these relationships, get yourself to safety as soon as you can. It can take years to be fully free from an abusive relationship, but you will find freedom and peace on the other side.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by assholes.” ~ Unknown

When I was at my lowest point, what I needed was a simple list of what was normal and what was not. I had lost all perspective and did not trust my own discernment. Knowing that certain behaviors were not okay would have been so validating for me.

When you have low self-worth and are also disconnected from your body and your feelings, you question yourself. You doubt your perceptions. You don’t know what abuse is and what it is not. When someone is narcissistically abusing you, it is usually very subtle at first — you don’t see them as an abuser. Rather, you see yourself as somehow wrong. You believe you are inadequate and therefore your abuser is justified in treating you that way.

You feel powerless. You take the abuse and punishment on the chin. You try harder to keep the peace, praying your partner will soon be nice to you again. You do this by disconnecting from your body and by disassociating. You literally leave the present moment and “live in your head”. So there is your first sign that your relationship may feel unsafe — blanking out and not being present.

By leaving your body, you are actually abandoning yourself and numbing out reality. This enables the abuser to keep abusing you. This is often a coping mechanism developed in childhood to cope with a volatile and abusive home life. The child does not have the capacity to see the horror of reality for what it is — that one or both of their parents are unsafe. The child learns to numb out and ‘float up into the clouds’ to survive the daily onslaught. This kept you safe in childhood but in adulthood, it keeps you trapped.

Another sign of narcissistic abuse is a total lack of empathy and concern for your welfare. When you are sick or injured, instead of helping you, the narcissist gets angry and irritated at the inconvenience your illness or injury brings to THEIR life.

“Someone who truly cares for you, will take into account how their actions affect you.”

On the way back from a weekend away, I had to jump out the truck to open a farm gate. Being a narcissist, my ex had no consideration for my welfare and (deliberately) stopped the truck right next to a ditch. As I stepped out of the truck onto the uneven ground, wanting to open the gate as quickly as possible to keep him sweet, I twisted my foot. Hobbling in pain, I proceeded to open the gate, closed it and then gingerly got back into the truck.

I was in agony for the three hour drive home. He implied that I was exaggerating. He was more concerned by the fact that he would have to unload the car by himself when we got home. My foot was now swelling up and turning purple.

The next morning, he angrily went off to work. As I could not drive myself, I called a cab to get myself to the emergency room. By this stage, I realized something was seriously wrong with my foot. It turned out I had a broken bone and I needed a cast. All my partner could do was moan at the inconvenience of it all. Malignant narcissism at its finest.

Symbolically, I believe the universe was trying to show me that I was on very shaky ground. I needed to stop seeing the illusion and face reality. My relationship was not only toxic, it was dangerous.

Here are more signs that it is narcissistic abuse:

– While you’re busy talking to them, they suddenly get up and walk out of the room without a word, leaving you mid-sentence. They do this deliberately to totally annihilate your personhood.

– They pretend to want to hug you and then squeeze you so hard it is painful and impossible to breathe. They may also tickle you until it hurts. This is not funny, it is physical abuse.

– When you say something or ask a question they respond with words and sentences that don’t make any sense. They deliberately talk gibberish to invalidate your worth as a human being. This is called word salad. It took me a while to figure this game plan out.

– They drive dangerously fast to scare you. This pairs really well with a dose of word salad.

– They sneak up behind you to deliberately frighten you.

– They grab you around the neck, shake you or in any way get physical with you. This includes physically trying to stop you from leaving.

– They invalidate and minimize your feelings, achievements and experiences.

– They intimidate you with fear.

– They control what you can and cannot watch on TV.

I’ve always loved watching the Crime Channel. I studied Criminology at university and the shadow side of human nature has always fascinated me. But my ex said there was something wrong with me for enjoying crime shows. He would get angry and aggressive if he “caught” me (wtf?!) watching them.

I would listen for his footsteps or his car pulling into the garage, so that I could quickly change channels before he walked into the TV room. Can you imagine an adult woman, in her thirties, behaving like a child watching an age restricted movie in her own home? That is what living with a narcissist looks like. They control every facet of your life, through fear.

– Getting angry at you if things are not exactly like they want them to be. My ex used to get angry and aggressive if I did not unload the bottom half of the dishwasher first. God forbid I started clearing the top shelf first.

Growing up, my stepfather used to inspect my bedroom to make sure I had cleaned it properly. He called it the Army Inspection. I was expected from the age of 5 to have my bedroom immaculately clean and ready for inspection at any given moment.

While I stood there trembling in fear, praying I would not get a hiding if it was not up to standard, he would run his fingers along the furniture and window sills checking for dust. I learned very quickly to make sure it was spotless at all times.

Depending on his mood, I’d just get a warning, or a warning and a hiding. I was not allowed to cry. Instead, I had to swallow my tears and start again, cleaning until it was perfect for the second inspection.

If he walked past my bedroom and saw specks of dust or fluff on my carpet, I’d immediately be hauled up into my bedroom. He would demand I get down on my hands and knees and “vacuum” my entire bedroom with my hands. I would spend hours picking tiny specks of dust and fluff out of my carpet, which he would then come and re-inspect.

Which brings me to another sign of abuse:

Feeling you have to clean and make the house perfect in order to keep your partner in a good mood. You end up living in a constant state of hypervigilance. Monitoring their every move and gesture, looking for signs of impending danger. You are literally walking on eggshells waiting in trepidation for an explosion of rage or a shame attack.

In my relationships, it took me a long time to figure out that I was reenacting the same story from childhood. Once again, I was the little girl running up to clean my room before my stepfather got home. Desperate to please him and earn his love and approval.

– Another sign of abuse is that they blame you for how they treat you, “You made me do it…” “You shouldn’t have said that/done that…”

– They swear at you and verbally abuse you.

– They tell you what to wear. I remember putting on a new, long, flowing red dress for a Christmas lunch. I wanted to surprise my ex and made an extra effort to look pretty. As I came down the stairs, expecting a compliment, he looked at me and said, “that dress makes you look pregnant, go change.” This is what living with a narcissist looks like. The moment they see you feeling good, they have to break you down.

– They lie.

– They steal.

– They yell at you.

– They give you the silent treatment.

– They isolate you from friends and family

– They demand sex and get angry if you say no, coercing you into compliance. Yes, it is rape, even if you are married or living together.

– They make you feel guilty when you want to go out with friends.

– They monitor your phone and track your car.

– They never apologize.

– They disappear for days.

– They break objects or punch walls and doors.

– They are inconsistent and blow hot and cold.

– They gaslight you and make you feel crazy.

Gaslighting is an insidious form of mental abuse in which the narcissist manipulates and distorts reality. They will do or say something and then completely deny it, making you question your own sanity.

Another example of gaslighting, from my own experience, is that they hide things from you. They feel so powerful as they watch you frantically searching for the item. It could be your car keys or your credit card. And just when you are at the peak of your meltdown they will casually produce the missing item, telling you how stupid you are for not seeing it…

– They play off their kids or other family members against you. This is called triangulation. Narcissistic parents in particular triangulate their own children, destroying the family in the process.

 

Here are more typical behaviors you can expect from a narcissist:

– They ALWAYS walk ahead of you, usually moaning about how slow you are. A loving partner walks alongside you.

– The provoke you and then play the victim when you stand up to them.

– They will miss a flight and deliberately arrive late, or drunk, or both.

– When they see the effort you have put in to create an elegant meal, they will criticize it or eat in a way that disrespects the food and the mood.

– They cheat on you. Narcissists in particular cannot be faithful. They feel entitled to get supply whenever and with whomever. They may also be addicted to porn

– They violate your boundaries, including your boundaries with your possessions.

They will not ask to borrow your things, or they will return them damaged. Or not at all. They have no respect for you or your possessions.

No! It is not okay for your partner’s adult children to use your laptop, without your permission, when you are not there. No! It is not okay for their adult children to enter your bedroom whenever they please, without knocking. No! It is not okay for them to just show up without the courtesy of letting you know they are popping round. No! They cannot borrow your clothes without your permission. Just NO!!!!!

– Narcissists have a vibe — they demean, criticize and denigrate. Rinse and repeat.

– They are hyper sensitive to criticism, therefore, no meaningful or productive conversations can occur that require honesty and authenticity. You can’t talk about hurt feelings, therefore, you can never do the necessary work of repair that all relationships require to stay intact.

– You feel you literally cannot open your mouth and express how you really feel. It feels like they have put a thick collar around your throat chakra. They control the conversation and what is allowed to be spoken about, and what is not.

– They are so manipulative. They are always scheming and plotting. Nothing is straightforward, open and transparent.

– They LOVE to ruin special occasions like your birthday. Somehow, it ends up being all about them. They act out, cause a fight, act depressed, or whatever they can do to take the shine off your special day.

I have seen narcissists go to extreme measures when they’re not getting all the attention. Even pretending to faint as they dramatically fall to the ground. I have seen it all, folks.

They also enjoy deliberately causing drama at family events. They then innocently sit back and watch the (shit) show.

– They deliberately buy terrible, cheap, or useless gifts. Or give you random objects that they consider junk. God help you if you don’t look absolutely delighted and swoon in appreciation at their thoughtfulness.

– They are always angry and use their anger as a weapon to scare you into compliance.

– They always play the victim. Covert narcissists in particular, really work the ‘woe-is-me’ story. Empaths, be extra vigilant and watch out for this one! They can really tug at those heart strings.

“A narcissist will never truly love and appreciate you. They will only ever see you as supply.”

I want to keep building on this list, so please feel free to add your experiences and observations in the comments below. When it comes to narcissism and narcissistic abuse, knowledge truly is power.

One of the things that is helping me to heal and take back my power is humor. I can laugh at myself and I can laugh at human nature. I try not to take myself too seriously. I have spent so many years of my life in heavy, dense, toxic energy. Now, I have a deep appreciation for the lightness of stillness, peace and laughter.

I see narcissists and their behavior for what it is — a reflection of their true character, and not a reflection of my worth as a human being. I feel deeply sorry for them — that they will never know what it feels like to truly love and to be at peace. That is where my compassion lies, and for the young woman who didn’t know any better for all those years: I salute her and I salute you.