“You deal with your sh*t and leave me to deal with mine.”

One of the defining traits of codependency is being a fixer and a rescuer. Even though a person is withholding, unreliable, emotionally unavailable, cruel or has substance abuse or mental health issues, the codependent thinks,

“Yeah, this person has issues, but I can change them. They really love me. They want to change. I am going to love them no matter what and be a stabilizing influence. I will help them change.”

No you won’t.

Instead of seeing the reality of who a person is and making an informed decision about how to proceed with a relationship, the codependent goes into denial. They block out all the undesirable traits and behaviors and develop tunnel vision. All the codependent now sees is the potential in the person before them. They have this fantasy, emerging from the lack of power and control they had as a kid, that This Time It Will Be Different. This time, I WILL get the love I was never able to get in childhood. Unhealed codependents are attracted to their unfinished business, specifically, their unresolved issues with their parents.

This magnetic attraction to those who continue to neglect, abandon or abuse them is called repetition compulsion. Unconsciously, the codependent seeks out people who are just like the parent that neglected, abandoned or abused them. The human psyche seeks to achieve in adulthood what is was unable to achieve in childhood.

The person they are in love with could be a serial cheater, an abuser, a malignant narcissist, an addict, a bank robber, a psychopath… The codependent glosses over all of this and falls madly in love with the fantasy of who this person could be if only they just… Stopped cheating, abusing, being nasty, using or drinking, stealing, lying…

The codependent believes their love, care, and attention will heal the wounded soul of the emotionally unavailable friend/partner/lover/family member… The fact that they are being emotionally abused or neglected in return is ignored, blocked out, or silently endured.

They then make it their job to fix, save or rescue the person from themselves so that they can become whole. The codependent lives in the future, “when things are finally better,” not realizing that the now is a snapshot of the future. The codependent, at this stage, has not yet learned that the NOW moment is what matters. If your needs are not being met NOW, and you’re not addressing that, they will not be magically met in the future when the other person finally “changes.”

The codependent must still learn that you have no control over how another person behaves. You only have control over yourself and how you respond. Whilst in this fix-it and rescue mode, the codependent truly believes that they are being noble and helpful. After all,

“My love, attention and time are going to bring out the best in this person. They will then be the friend or lover or source of love that I need them to be.”

While they are focused on fixing, loving and rescuing the other person, the codependent puts themselves in the role of being “better than” or “stronger than” the person they are attempting to heal or save. This is an unconscious defense mechanism adopted by the codependent to keep them from examining their own lives and dysfunctional behaviors.

You see, under the illusion of mutual reciprocity, the codependent is in total denial about the true nature of the status of the relationships in their life. They are not mutual and the codependent’s needs are not being met. In fact, people are often around only for what the codependent gives and does for them. They are not true friends.

All this 1-sided giving creates an illusion of connection. The codependent feels valued through being needed and generous but in reality, they are getting nothing back. They are in an emotional desert, starving for real love and connection. They are so busy supporting others they don’t realize that no one is supporting them in return. They don’t realize that they have abandoned and neglected themselves. In the process, they keep choosing people who abandon and neglect them.

This painful truth goes unnoticed by the codependent until they finally start to heal and know their worth. Instead of calling people out on their shitty behavior, the codependent makes excuses for them, believing things will get better, one day.

How often does the codependent heal and fix a lover, only for the now up-leveled lover to dump them and marry someone else? They do all the fixing but don’t get to enjoy the final product. They go through all the shitty stuff on behalf of someone else. In truth, the codependent has no one to blame but themselves. They offered themselves up to do the puppy training. They went into denial and refused to see the reality of the situation or the person’s true character. They chose of their own free will to polish the turd.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.” ~ The Serenity Prayer

As a recovering codependent, I believed I’d let go of my reflex fixer-rescuer behavior. I was finally over my compulsive need to get entangled with broken birds. I had healed my pattern of automatically trying to solve other people’s emotional issues. But the universe was about to reveal to me how sneaky those old patterns can be. How ingrained the “helper” programming is — and if you are not self-aware, you end up on auto-pilot, reaching in to help when you shouldn’t.

Humans learn from their mistakes. We learn through our suffering, pain, and the negative consequences of our choices. When codependents or extreme empaths swoop in to “save” the day, all they are doing is interrupting karma. The universe, God, Divine Intelligence, Source, created karma for a reason. Karma is a great teacher… The uncomfortable repercussions of the choices made by the overeater, alcoholic, addict, cheater, abuser, liar, thief, or narcissist will be their teacher.

When codependents take on responsibilities that are not theirs to take on, they are disrupting karma. They are experiencing the consequences of the other person’s choices — the addict, narcissist, serial cheater, lier etc. gets to keep doing what they are doing, with no consequences. The codependent stands by accepting scraps and waiting for the day that they finally get it and change. It’s agonizing to watch and painful to be part of.

I was on a hike on the outlying slopes of Table Mountain, in Cape Town. I was soaking up the African sun, listening to the birds, and breathing in the heavenly scent of the eucalyptus trees. Suddenly, I noticed a little dung beetle in front of me on the path. I stopped to observe him. He was having great difficulty getting his ball of dung over a stone. He was scurrying around, desperately trying to get it to move over the stone.

As I watched, I noticed there was a smaller stone keeping the ball of dung stuck in place. The dung beetle was so busy trying to figure out the issue, he didn’t notice this giant human now crouched down observing the struggle.

Without even thinking about it, almost as a reflex, I reached down and lifted the ball of dung up off the stone, and for good measure, moved it to a nice flat spot. For a second, I felt so good about helping the dung beetle out. In my mind, he’d be so happy to have his ball of dung moved for him, he would joyfully scuttle up to it and be on his merry way.

My satisfaction quickly turned to dismay when I realized that instead of helping the little guy, I had stressed him out. He was running around in circles, frantically looking for his ball of dung. He could not see where I had placed it, and was not understanding why it was no longer lodged on the stone. Instead of bringing calm and ease I had brought confusion and fear. I felt bad for the little guy!

The beetle scurried off and I lost sight of him. As I walked on, I realized that my rescuing attempt had totally backfired. I had interfered and tried to rescue a creature without consent. In truth, it was their issue to sort out, not mine. I realized how instinctive it was for me, a recovering codependent, to reach out on autopilot, and attempt to ease or fix another creature’s struggle. I laughed out loud as I realized the similarity.

Fixing a situation or making it “easier” was not so noble after all. In fact, it was simply interference. It’s the equivalent of offering unsolicited advice. The codependent offers themselves up for unsolicited help. This does not help and strengthen the other person. It keeps them weak and it enables them.

I realized I was not serving others by taking away the struggle. Humans learn through struggle. Mistakes are how we learn valuable lessons. Overcoming challenges is what builds character. We do no good when we take life lessons away from the person who is supposed to be learning them.

I’ve learned that we help those we love best when we leave them to feel the weight of their own shit. It’s called tough love and it’s a powerful kind of love. In turn, we help ourselves best when we tend to our own sh*t instead of worrying about everyone else’s. Unless you are a parent, with a dependent child under the age of 18, it is not your job to deal with and sort out another adult’s sh*t. People only heal and change when:

1. They want to.

2. They take responsibility for themselves and actually do the transformational work needed to change.

The incident with the dung beetle ended up being the catalyst that changed my rescuer behavior for good. After that, the few times I caught myself overreaching into other people’s affairs, I quickly put the ball of dung back down and left it exactly where I found it. I backed away, and turned my focus back to my own ball of sh*t.

That little dung beetle was my teacher and my healer. I no longer blindly reach in to help. I no longer deny reality, or if I catch myself in denial, I notice I am doing it. Red flags are red flags. Addiction and other issues are signs my needs will not be met. It’s not my job to sacrifice at the altar of another person’s suffering.