Have you ever been in a situation where you were totally relaxed one moment, then completely freaked out and triggered the next? As the dust settled, you felt confused and bewildered because you didn’t understand what had just happened to you.

There’s a very good chance you were deliberately targeted by a narcissist. They saw your good mood and decided to flip it into a negative. To add insult to injury, straight after they cajoled a reaction out of you, they demanded sex or told you to just “get over it.”

Toxic people will push you to breaking point with relentless emotional, psychological and verbal abuse. Their goal is to get you to snap so that they can prove how “unhinged” you are.

I had a family member who used this trick on me for years before I finally cottoned on. I didn’t have the understanding and terminology then that I do now, so I was unaware of the manipulative game plan they had going on.

I started to notice that within a few minutes of arriving in their company, I’d be so annoyed and irritated, I’d lash out and have the desire to run away and leave. They would put a fake, shocked, innocent and wounded look on their face as they watched me light another cigarette, or pour more wine down my throat to try and numb it out. It was when I gave up smoking and drinking that I started to see the truth for what it was — they were deliberately poking at me to get a reaction.

They did this in company and they did it when we were alone together. Like clockwork, within a few minutes of being in their company, I was suddenly desperate to get away. I would explode and act out of character and they would act all cool and calm, asking me what my problem was.

The thing is, by this stage, I was trying everything in my power to apply the “respond don’t react” technique, but I failed miserably.

They say our mothers really know how to push our buttons — because they installed them. ~ Robin Williams

What does Reactive Abuse look like?

• “Innocently” asking you a personal or triggering question (they love doing this in company)

• Countering everything you say, then acting shocked when you get frustrated

• Deliberately sitting in your chair or using your things without asking

• Being deliberately late

• Doing a job or a chore badly

• Delaying doing a task or a chore

• Making a noise and intentionally trying to annoy you in some way

• Posting on social media and commenting on your posts in an intentionally triggering way

• Violating your boundaries and doing the opposite of what you requested

• “Forgetting” to pick up something or do something

• Baiting you into circular arguments and then belittling, maligning and mocking you — you react and then they call you the abuser!

• Withholding information, money or resources

• Shaming or mocking you when you cry, rage or slam a door in response the abuse (you just fell into the trap!)

In his book, From Charm to Harm and Everything Else in between with a Narcissist, Greg Zaffuto describes Reactive Abuse as a “bait and switch” strategy. (In retail, bait and switch is an unethical sales strategy used to lure customers in with a false, low-priced offer. The low priced item turns out to be sold out or unavailable. The customer is manipulated into buying a similar, but more expensive item.)

To bait you, the narcissist pretends to innocently do or say something. All the while, it’s not innocent at all. It is done with malicious intent to provoke you to react emotionally. This sneaky trick allows the narcissist to bait you into reacting to their abuse so they can then turn it around and blame you for abusing them with your reaction.

In my experience, the only way to deal with this kind of abuse is to go no-contact for a while. This will give you time and space to individuate and come home to yourself. If you are still emotionally enmeshed with the narcissist, you will find it impossible to stay calm whilst being deliberately poked.

Individuating means that what is happening in their reality is not your reality. You are sovereign over your reality, and especially over your mental and emotional self. From this boundaried, individuated space, you can calmly observe and not react. If you do choose to reconnect or go low contact after healing and finding yourself, you will be in a much stronger place to hold your own and see their behavior for what it is — abusive and manipulative.

One of your greatest powers against a narcissist is your ability to not react to what they are doing. The number one reason they are doing it is for your reaction. Your reaction is gold. The more dramatic your reaction, the more satisfied they are. It is A-grade narcissistic supply.

They use your reaction against you and present it as evidence that you are “crazy”, out of control, rude, disrespectful and anything else that paints you as the perpetrator. Make no mistake, they know EXACTLY what they are doing.

They then tell everyone how terrible you are and use your reaction as part of their smear campaign against you. I had someone in my life who would keep topping up my wine glass and when I got drunk, they’d tell everyone I was an alcoholic and had a drinking problem. The thing is, when someone does that, they are controlling how much you drink, not you. The gift of all these narcissistic games is that I decided to give up alcohol so that I could see more clearly what was going on in my relationships. Sobriety helps you to see the truth, especially the hard truths.

What is reactive abuse?

Reactive abuse is when a narcissist or a toxic person deliberately triggers you into reacting to their abuse. In other words, they do or say something obnoxious, you react, they act innocent and ask you what your problem is. You then end up looking like the abuser a lot of the time because people only see your reaction, not their deliberate, behind-the-scenes, covert abuse.

Narcissists love shock value because of the drama it evokes. They will poke and trigger you by saying something rude or offensive. They may even whip out their cellphone and video you reacting as “proof” of how crazy and difficult you are. All the while, they act cool, calm and collected, talking in a relaxed tone of voice. They may even shrug their shoulders and say innocently to the room,

“All I did was ask her a question.”

“She’s had too much to drink again.”

Reactive abuse is a real thing so be aware of it and protect yourself. Unfortunately, it can be used against you in a court of law and especially in child custody battles. Narcissists may also blackmail you if they have you on camera reacting to their abuse. Don’t allow them to throw you off center.

How do you stop Reactive Abuse?

The only way to combat it is to stop reacting. It’s that simple.

Calm is your superpower.

Don’t take what they are doing or saying personally. It’s not about you. They are doing and saying whatever it takes to get a rise out of you. Every time you react, you are letting them know that their technique works. I find it helpful to visualize them as robotic talking heads who are glitching. This means that no matter what comes out of the narcissist’s mouth, I don’t absorb it. I just observe the glitch and notice how grotesque it truly is.

From this perspective, you are on the outside looking in. You have a boundary around you and your emotions. In your healthy bubble, adults behave properly and don’t abuse others. Adults are honest and real. Emotional boundaries don’t allow your reality to bleed into theirs and visa versa. What’s going on in their toxic bubble is their roadshow. Watch it with mild disinterest.

You can even start to see the humor in the situation. Humor allows you to have compassion for how dysfunctional they really are. Imagine never being able to cultivate a real, sincere, emotional bond with someone? That’s really, really sad. Narcissists only know drama and abuse. It’s exhausting. That’s why they take to their beds for days on end to recover from their own lives.

If their behavior or words are particularly offensive and triggering, it’s best to hit the eject button and walk away. Get yourself out of the situation. They know exactly what they are doing. Your ability to not react is one of your superpowers against a narcissist’s triggering statements and actions.

The narcissist is all about control. If they feel they have control over your emotions and your reactions, and they can trigger you at any time, they feel like they have control over you. Be aware that if they can’t trigger you at first, they’re going to try different things and amp up the volume to get you to react. See it for the toxic game that it is and see them for the abusers that they are.

If they can’t get at you directly, they may use social media to rile you up. If one trigger doesn’t work, they’ll go through an entire list of triggers. You have to prepare for that and understand the behavior for what it is — power and control.

Take back your power and above all else, protect your peace. Walk away from those who deliberately try to destroy it. Go low-contact or no-contact so that you can individuate and become your own person. Give yourself the space and stillness you need to hear the small, still voice within.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Encyclopedia: The Narcissism Bible by Sam Vaknin

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W.,Ph.D.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd