I knew something was off that very first day. I was looking to rent a small, furnished cottage which was attached to the main house of a coastal property. It ticked all the boxes yet it had a strange smell I found off-putting. Something about the property also felt… disappointing. I walked out of the cottage and up the drive to wait for my Uber. The landlady followed me out. She was acting friendly and warm. I let her know I was keen but I wanted to sleep on it before making a final decision.

It was then that she did this strange thing that I still can’t get out of my mind. She walked around me in a circle, literally sizing me up. I caught her gaze traveling up from my feet, to my head and down again. It was as if she was inspecting a horse before purchase. She suddenly looked at me and said,

“You’ll do just fine.”

My Uber arrived and I left. I wish I had never gone back.

Based on what I experienced for the nine months I lived there, I’m 100% sure she is a bona fide psychopath. The experience was more traumatizing than living next to a malignant narcissist. (I had a narcissistic landlord once who locked me in the laundry room because he felt I did too much laundry. My screaming forced him to unlock the door and let me out, shaken). Somehow, my psychopathic landlady managed to kick it up a notch.

Psychopaths are some of the most dangerous people in the world yet they often go undetected. We mostly envision them as the stereotypical serial killer on the Crime Channel but they may live next door. And they may be female. They act like they have a heart of gold and use their charm (and lies) to gain your trust. The moment you allow them into your life and drop your guard, they’ll begin their toxic behaviors.

I moved into the cottage and a few weeks later, was disturbed to find my sliding door unlocked. I was sure I’d locked it as I am fastidious about safety, especially living in South Africa. It threw me off balance.

I walked in, flopped down onto my sofa and grabbed my phone. As I began scrolling, I suddenly felt a searing pain at the back of my right heel. I dropped my phone and looked to see a deep cut at the back of my foot. It was bleeding so I limped to the bathroom to clean it up.

Already rattled by the unlocked door, I got down on my hands and knees to see what had cut me. I noticed she had used industrial staples to affix the couch fringe. One of the industrial staples had been purposefully straightened out and positioned at a 180 degree angle right where my feet would be. It jutted out about 4 inches. I went cold. I knew immediately that she had entered my apartment and done this — some punishment for a perceived slight.

This is one of many frightening experiences I endured living next to a person with an antisocial personality. They are predatory, punitive and vindictive. They take pleasure in your pain. Knowing this, I did not give her the satisfaction of knowing she had hurt me. I acted as if nothing had happened when she later asked me how I was doing. I checked my couch daily after that and counted the days until my lease expired.

Let’s look at the definition of a psychopath

Psychopaths are also labelled sociopaths and sociopathy is referred to as Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). Just like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), it is an enduring and pervasive mood disorder with little chance of improvement.

Signs of sociopathy often show up in childhood and it’s usually evident by adolescence. Although diagnosis isn’t made until adulthood. In his book, Without Conscience: The disturbing world of the psychopaths among us, Robert D. Hare. PhD emphasizes the importance of proper diagnosis in childhood. Hare developed the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-Revised).

Antisocial Personality Disorder is diagnosed in those who have a conduct or behavior disorder by the age of 15. (Unfortunately, many go undiagnosed).

They must show at least three of the following symptoms:

1. They ignore social norms of good behavior e.g. break the law

2. Show a lack of empathy and disregard the rights and feelings of others

3. Get a thrill out of causing harm, lying or manipulating people (they may use aliases, become con artists or steal money)

4. Commit acts of physical or sexual violence

5. Deliberately hurt or kill animals

6. They are impulsive and reckless. They get bored easily and mitigate this by acting impulsively to fulfill their need for stimulation. In the process, they do not care about the safety of others (or themselves)

7. Lack remorse

8. Are consistently irresponsible e.g. not paying debts or quitting jobs on a whim

9. They are aggressive and litigious, often getting involved in legal battles, fights and assaults

How psychopaths differ from narcissists.

There are three different types of narcissists:

1. The Grandiose (overt), Exhibitionist Narcissist

2. The Shy, Vulnerable, or Closet (Covert) Narcissist

3. The Malignant Narcissist

Grandiose or vulnerable narcissists usually have five of the nine criteria for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissism is diagnosed using The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) criteria. A person must meet five of the nine following traits for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance

2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

3. Belief that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

4. Requires excessive admiration

5. Has a sense of entitlement

6. Is interpersonally exploitative — takes advantage of others

7. Lacks empathy

8. Envies others or believes others are envious of him or her

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes

Narcissists who are lower on the spectrum and are not clinically diagnosed with NPD can experience guilt and remorse. They do take care of their families and have the ability to self-reflect.

Malignant narcissists are more malicious, exploitative and destructive. Malignant narcissists and psychopaths have a lot more in common and meet more than five of the above criteria.

Psychopaths and Malignant Narcissists are like non-identical twins.

– Both can be extremely charming, funny, seductive, intelligent and successful.

– Both have traits of unreliability, self-centeredness, insincerity, dishonesty, and the need for control.

– Psychopaths and malignant narcissists have an over-inflated view of themselves and a sense of entitlement.

– They show no remorse and justify their abusive behavior.

– Emotional reactions are feigned and are learned behavior rather than sincerely felt emotions.

– They cannot self-reflect and deny any responsibility for their behavior.

– They lack insight and empathy.

– They are predators and are extremely dangerous.

The main difference between Psychopaths and Narcissists

The main difference boils down to the need for narcissistic supply. Psychopaths are narcissistic but not all narcissists are psychopaths. The biggest difference between the two is ego, or rather, in the case of a psychopath, the lack thereof.

Deep down, a narcissist is extremely insecure. They have an extremely fragile ego that needs constant stroking. To uphold their carefully constructed masks, they need narcissistic supply from other people. Narcissists are therefore much more invested in what you think of them than psychopaths. They need your admiration like they need oxygen. This is what makes them vulnerable and codependent.

The psychopath does not give a damn what you think of them in the pursuit of their goals. This makes them more cunning and manipulative. They will be whoever they need to be to get what they want. They don’t have a particular mask that they are attached to preserving at all costs. Unlike the narcissist, they’re not trying to impress you in exchange for A-grade narcissistic supply.

Narcissists’ behavior is driven by the pursuit of narcissistic supply, therefore they are more reactive. Psychopaths are more calculating and plot and scheme months, if not years in advance of an attack or revenge-attack.

How to spot a Psychopath:

1. Gut instinct. That little feeling you get in your gut that something isn’t right. Trust it.

2. Notice the psychopathic stare. A normal person will stare at you, and when you catch their eye, they will look away. A psychopath will continue staring without looking away or blinking. This is not a sign they are into you — this is a sign to run!

3. You’re not feeling it. They mimic what they think the right behavior or facial expression should be. Psychopaths don’t feel the full range of human emotions. They literally practice different facial expressions and emotions in front of the mirror. Therefore, their laughter, words or smile feels fake. Remember, if it feels fake, it’s not genuine. Once again, trust your gut.

4. They show no fear. In 2018 Cardiff and Swansea universities did a study and noted that our pupils dilate when we see a good thing or a scary thing. A psychopath’s pupils only dilate when they see something pleasing to them, or when they are being deceptive. Unlike the rest of us, their eyes do not dilate when they are exposed to danger or a fearful thing.

5. They have mastered the art of deception. Be wary when you meet someone new and you feel an instant connection and a deep sense of familiarity. Psychopaths are adept at copying you and mirroring yourself back to you. The feeling of having met someone “just like me” is a ruse. This is how they hook you in.

They’re professional manipulators. They use their false charm to present themselves as trust-worthy, good-hearted souls. The scary thing is they are such good actors, even the most discerning among us buy into the act.

In 2017 a study was conducted in Texas by Shannon Kelly and other colleagues. They gave psychopaths a self-reported questionnaire measuring how kind and good of a person they are. They then gave their roommates, who were unaware of the psychopathy, the same questionnaire and asked them to rate the psychopaths. Unsurprisingly the psychopaths rated themselves as highly honest, good-hearted and drumroll… not manipulative. What is most surprising is that their roommates also rated them as good, honest people. This confirms how brilliant psychopaths are at fooling people.

6. Things don’t add up. Psychopaths are pathological liars. They fabricate elaborate stories. One of my ex’s boldly told people we were moving to India and had bought a piece of land there. My jaw fell open whilst witnessing them telling this blatant lie to their roommate. Notice inconsistencies in their stories. I also met someone who told me their mother owned a real estate business. Two weeks later, they told me she was a homeopath and energy healer. Both were false.

7. They say, “I love you” but you don’t feel it. Psychopaths have a smaller range of emotions compared to the rest of us. Psychology recognizes five core emotions that are typical in humans:

Happiness

Sadness

Fear

Disgust

Anger

Psychopaths report that they don’t feel sadness or fear but they do feel anger, disgust and happiness. However, they experience less happiness than the rest of us. They are skilled at faking emotions.

8. A total lack of empathy. Brain scans of psychopaths show that they have reduced functioning in their prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for things such as empathy, learning from past mistakes, self-reflection and having morals. As a consequence, psychopaths act callously and bully others without remorse. They feel zero guilt or shame.

9. You feel like you are going crazy. Psychopaths are very good at gas-lighting. They distort reality to fit their narrative. They brainwash you and devalue you in the same way as narcissists do but they are better at it. They use lies, manipulations and devaluing insults to make you feel as if you’re going insane.

10. They are NEVER wrong. Even when caught red-handed they will deny, act like the victim or turn it around on you. Alternatively they will threaten or hurt you.

11. They tend to be promiscuous. Their need to relieve their underlying boredom leads to risky sexual behavior, one night stands and a host of short term relationships.

12. They don’t get mad, they get even. Psychopaths seek revenge more than any other personality disordered person. Interestingly, when initially provoked, they usually act cool, calm and collected. Later, they get busy planning their revenge. They may plan to ruin your reputation, sabotage your couch to injure you, or damage your property. The deeper your pain, the higher their high.

What to do if you are in a relationship with a narcissist or a psychopath.

If you suspect you’re in a relationship with a narcissist or a psychopath, don’t get caught up in trying to diagnose them. Rather focus on healing yourself from trauma, codependency and Complex-PTSD.

Learn to set boundaries and become discerning at reading human behavior. Prioritize attaining financial independence, and get support. Learn as much as you can and educate yourself about your options so you can make an informed decision on whether to stay or leave.

Resources and further reading

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by Robert D. Hare. PhD

Six-Minute X-Ray: Rapid Behavior Profiling by Chase Hughes

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes, Phd

Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of our Age by George K. Simon Ph.D.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Walking Over Eggshells: Surviving Mental Abuse by Lucinda E Clarke

Check out the Behavior Panel https://www.youtube.com/c/TheBehaviorPanel/videos on You Tube.