“Hello Handsome.”

“Good morning, beautiful.”

“Sleep tight my beautiful angel.”

Who doesn’t love getting regular texts from their partner? When you are dating, it’s intoxicating. It signals that the other person is thinking of you. It means that things are going well and the relationship is headed in the right direction.

If they send music clips, it’s even more intense. Manipulators know the power of music. They don’t have to DO anything. Just send a song and let it work its magic. You become hooked. You replay the song, listening to every word for hidden meanings and clues as to their real feelings. Unfortunately, just like fake promises, the music creates a false romantic reality.

What is the goal of love-bombing?

The narcissist or love-bomber uses this technique to impress you. They want you to fall for them as quickly as possible. The faster they can get you hooked, the sooner they can abuse and devalue you. The goal is to trauma-bond you so that they can treat you like sh*t and you won’t leave. You can read more about the other tactics narcissists use here.

In truth, they are abusers. They are not looking for a life partner. Firstly, they are looking for narcissistic supply and secondly, they see you as an object, a toy to play with and ultimately, discard.

If you have wounding that has damaged your self-worth, you don’t love yourself as deeply as you should. You also don’t know how to validate yourself. To feel loved, you need someone else to validate you. This makes you extremely vulnerable to love-bombing. For perhaps the first time in your life, you feel seen and heard. Someone thinks you are amazing so you feel amazing. When you are not self-validating, you lap up this attention. When you love and value yourself, you don’t fall for this type of behavior. You recognize it for what it is — love-bombing.

Instead of being enticed by it, you’ll be like:

“This is too much, it feels icky.”

“Easy does it, I don’t know you.”

“My life is good, I’m good. I am not just letting some random person, who hasn’t earned my trust, into my bed and into my life!”

You will see love-bombing for what it is — manipulation.”

Intense, instant connections are a HUGE red flag. Real, lasting relationships take time to build and start slowly. Humans tend to wear a mask for the first 90 days of a new relationship. We present our best selves to the other person. We do this in new friendships and in new jobs. We only relax and “let it all hang out” as time goes by. This is why lust and instant chemistry are such an illusion.

If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is speeding up the pace, and even if you are enjoying the whirlwind, it’s important to get grounded. Slow things down. Adjust your expectations and be aware of any future fantasies you are creating in your head.

For the love-bomber’s promises and affection to be real, requires time. The other person has to show you that they can deliver on those promises. They can only do that by actually taking action and earning your trust over time. It is your job to slow things down. A healthy person will really respect you for that. They will know that they are safe with you. Emotional safety builds a firmer foundation over time.

If you don’t love and validate yourself, it’s much easier to mistake this sexual energy for love. What is really going on is called “nervous system activation.” In other words, your nervous system recognizes someone who feels familiar to you. Your nervous system senses that they are unsafe, dangerous or neglectful. If you had a parent who was the same, this new person will feel very familiar. You will mistake that instant chemistry for familiarity and love.

“It feels like we have known each other before…”

What is really going on is your body does not feel safe. Have you noticed how you lose yourself when you are on a love high? You neglect your work, friendships and even time alone with yourself. Your full focus becomes your partner. You become more and more addicted to the sex and fake intimacy. Even if the sex is imaginary, it feels real and becomes all consuming. The problem is, that it’s not real. You have fallen in love with an illusion and a fantasy.

After a short while, you may suddenly be ghosted. Or, if you are with a narcissist, the withholding and devaluing will start. After an intense period of love-bombing, they suddenly start to pull back and act cold. This is when you start to panic and get anxious. Just as you are about to give up, they suddenly act nice and love-bomb you again. You feel so relieved and happy. You believe it was a temporary hiccup and that everything is back to “normal.”.

The cycle repeats.

They begin to devalue you. You are in a state of despair. They act nice and love-bomb you again. You feel good. You have now solidified a trauma bond. The person who is hurting and withholding from you, is also the person who takes away your pain and gives “love” to you. The source of your pain is also your source of love. Instead of seeing them for who they truly are: a toxic abuser, you double down trying to hang onto the “good times.”

What is a love-bomber?

A love-bomber is someone who suddenly enters your life and sweeps you off your feet. They blow up your phone or inbox. They bring an intensity to the relationship and your life that is premature and distracting. They shower you with compliments, gifts, attention and affection. They make you feel important, special, loved.

One minute you are single, the next you are in an instant relationship. Or one minute you are married, the next you are planning to leave your spouse.

I am guilty of moving in with someone after only dating for 6 weeks! An 8-year relationship with a narcissist ensued. They bought me a new car and took me on exotic holidays. When the red flags started showing up, I felt I couldn’t leave. How could I do that to someone who was “so generous” and had given me so much?

The thing is, when someone has a lot of money, it requires no effort on their part to manipulate you with material things. It takes no time, effort or energy to transfer funds. Love-bombing with gifts and clothing can be very intoxicating. Watch out for it, especially if your partner is wealthy. They use their money as a form of control to “buy” you. These gifts come with strings attached. The unspoken agreement is that you will obey them, do what they want, serve their needs and have sex with them on demand. Eventually, it made me feel like a high-class hooker.

Love-bombers speed up the pace of the relationship. Covertly or overtly, they demand all your time and energy. They may even introduce you to their children and family before the relationship is established. They want to see you and talk to you everyday, ALL DAY. You end up having 24/7 conversations. This is not healthy and it is a huge red flag.

Healthy, emotionally mature adults do not blow up another person’s phone. They will not invade every waking moment of your day. There are natural pauses and spaces within the relationship. Healthy adults respect your space and need you to respect theirs. Getting to know someone deeply and authentically is an art. It’s a dance and should be savored and enjoyed. What’s the rush?

HERE ARE 10 LOVE-BOMBING TECHNIQUES TO LOOK OUT FOR.

1. Future Faking

The love-bomber immediately makes promises regarding your future together. This creates a false sense of safety and security. You believe they are in it for the long haul. This means you may commit prematurely, or start a sexual relationship before you really know the person.

They make fake promises about marriage, having kids, moving in together, buying a house or taking a fancy trip. My ex went on and on about how much he loved babies and how much he loved being a father to his three kids. He said he would love to have another baby because they are so “cute.” I believed him. It was simply a carrot he dangled to get what he wanted. He had no intention of having more children.

Ladies, if you want children, don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t. After a reasonable amount of time together, if he isn’t putting a ring on it and actively planning a family with you, he is future faking. Don’t waste your fertile years on someone who “isn’t ready.” ACTIONS, not words, count here.

Future faking hooks you in and you buy into the fantasy of the life you will create together “one day.” Remember, the present moment is where your power lies.

2. Mirroring

They act like your perfect partner. They tell you exactly what you want to hear. They also mirror your body language and behavior. They like what you like, dislike what you dislike. One of my exes created an entire fake persona to hook me in. He pretended to be what he knew I wanted.

In Neurolinguistic Programming, the NLP practitioner uses a technique called matching. To get you to relax and feel safe, they match your posture, lingo, language etcetera. Mirroring takes it up a notch. Mirroring reflects your behavior as if you are looking into a mirror. Their movements completely mirror yours as if they are literally the mirror image of you.

The narcissist quickly figures out what makes you tick, and they mirror that. You buy into this false image believing you are falling in love with your perfect match. The cold, hard truth is you are falling in love with yourself. That person doesn’t exist. They are hoodwinking you into falling in love with them by making you fall in love with yourself!

Mirroring is very sneaky because they appear to be your perfect match. This means you bond with them more quickly. It feels like you have known them forever and that you are kindred spirits. While you are falling in love and bonding, they are keeping up the charade.

3. The Knight in Shining Armor or Florence Nightingale dynamic

The narcissist or love-bomber swoops in to save the day. For me, I needed a place to stay and my ex rescued me. He invited me to move in with him. At the time, it felt so romantic. I thought he was my soul mate who was going to care for me and love me. I was hooked!

It’s interesting to note that when reading the Akashic Records for my clients, I look for hooks. Hooks are not good! They are a sign that you are in an unhealthy or codependent relationship. They signify that the other person is manipulating you. It is never good to be hooked or corded to anything or anyone. It is a block or limitation that reveals a pattern or program that needs to be healed and released.

When you reflect back to the time you met your narcissist, like me, you were probably not in a good place. Maybe you were unwell, lost your job, going through a breakup or divorce, or needed some kind of assistance or support. In some way, you were vulnerable. Maybe you were lonely. Narcissists can sense this and they show up as the answer to your prayers.

“No-one is coming to save you. This life is 100% your responsibility.” ~ Unknown

Playing the role of rescuer and hero gives them A-grade narcissistic supply. They like you weak and beaten down. This hooks you in and you buy into the illusion that you need this person. They then isolate you so that they become your one and only rescuer and savior.

You feel like they are the only one who gets you and doesn’t judge you. In truth, this hero act is just a ruse to get you where they want you — as a source of A-grade narcissistic supply. Trust me, you will be expected to pay them back in kind for all the “generosity” they have given you.

4. Grand romantic gestures

It may be as over-the-top as I experienced — a new car, exotic overseas trips, fancy dinners, weekends away, new clothes… Or it may come in the form of reams of poetry and love letters. Maybe they send you loads of text messages telling you how special you are *insert super emotive song*. They may send flowers to your home or office, leave love notes everywhere, offer to help out and fix things around your home or get your car serviced. They may offer to help out with your kids or another family member…

These grand gestures lead you to believe that the love-bomber is seriously invested in you. However, if you are honest with yourself, it probably does feel a little over the top. I mean, they don’t really have to stretch that far for you, do they?

5. Non-stop communication

This is a huge red flag. The love-bomber wants you to be in constant contact with them. They never want to be out of your awareness. They will blow up your phone. You will find yourself constantly texting them. Your whole world becomes your phone. By invading your time and phone, they speed up the relationship and create a false sense of intimacy.

Without realizing it, you are giving them supply. Narcissists don’t know how to generate their own life-force energy. They need to plug into other people so that they can mine their life-force energy. When you are being love-bombed, all your energy and attention is going to the narcissist.

Over time, you start to feel depleted. To keep you hooked, the narcissist keeps up the flow of constant communication. Every weekend is hijacked, your phone and social media suddenly has them all over it. It’s like a virus but you think it’s love and romance.

6. They fast track the speed of the relationship

Instead of courting you and earning your trust, they love-bomb you. They get you to fall in love as quickly as possible. They need to get you hooked as soon as possible, which is what this cycle of abuse is all about. The sooner you become addicted to them, the sooner they have control over you. If you do not become hooked on them, then you will see them for who they really are. When they act out and withdraw affection and devalue you, you will say,

“This sucks, I’m out!”

But if you are hooked, you will stay, despite the abuse.

7. A premature declaration of love and commitment

“I love you.”

“I have never felt this way about anyone else before.”

“You are the only person I have said this too…”

This type of validation is particularly effective. You feel so special and seen. Premature declarations of love are designed to fast-track the relationship. It’s insidious and gets you to fall in love with them more quickly.

You are buying into the fairytale idea of love and instant connection. How can you love someone you don’t know? You can’t really know someone until you have spent a significant amount of time with them. You need to witness how they handle the good times and the bad times. In the honeymoon phase, you are falling in love with an idealized version of your partner.

Words mean nothing without consistent action over a prolonged period of time.

Apart from lying and saying whatever they need to say to get what they want, narcissists weaponize words. One of my exes would say and text things like,

“I’ll go and hang myself in the woods if you leave me.”

“I’m going to kill myself now.”

They will also say things like, “I can’t live without you.”

Can you see how manipulative and toxic this is? It’s called emotional terrorism and is a massive red flag.

If someone you know is threatening suicide, call the authorities immediately and let them handle it. If it is a genuine cry for help, then they will get the proper support they need. If it is a manipulative tactic, they will have to be accountable and you will have a record of their emotional abuse.

8. If it feels too good to be true…

…it is.

9. Intense chemistry and addictive sex

Manipulators understand the power of sex and orgasm. They use this energy to love-bomb you and make you addicted to them. You will buy into the illusion that it’s the best sex of your life. You think that there is no-one in the world who can ever make you feel like that again.

If intense passion is followed by withholding, devaluing, punishing or abuse, it is a trauma bond, it’s not love. The sexual chemistry is actually a trauma response and is masking what is really going on under the surface. Real love is calm, steady, consistent and passionate. It’s not a roller coaster of intense highs followed by intense lows.

“When you hold a man’s hand and he makes your heart beat faster and he makes you feel giddy and excited, walk away from this man. He is not the man for you. If you hold a man’s hand and he makes you feel warm, safe and secure, hold onto him. This is the man you are going to marry.” ~ Author Unknown

Narcissists and love-bombers use sex and sexual chemistry as tools to manipulate you. This is particularly sneaky because it feels so good and so validating. Some of them will turn you on and then deliberately withhold sex. This is not love, this is all about control.

10. The honeymoon period ends swiftly and suddenly.

A few days after I moved in with my boyfriend of 6 weeks, everything changed. I was working in advertising in those days. I came home after a particularly stressful day. I needed to decompress before engaging with my partner and cooking dinner. I poured myself a glass of wine and went out onto the balcony to have a cigarette and process my day.

I had barely had a sip of my wine when my partner stormed outside. He aggressively told me that this was unacceptable behavior. I was an alcoholic and this was NOT how I should be behaving after a long day at work. I was stunned. The honeymoon was over. The devaluing stage had officially begun.

I met and married another narcissist after this relationship ended. The honeymoon phase ended just as abruptly. We got home after our wedding ceremony and that very evening, the mask literally fell off. The person I had just married a few hours earlier no longer existed. (In truth, they had never existed!)

The moment the ring was on my finger, it was as if they felt they didn’t have to pretend anymore. I was married to a mad-man. I am grateful I escaped and have lived to tell the tale. Others are not so lucky.

If you reflect back on your own experiences with a narcissist, you will probably be able to pinpoint the exact moment everything changed. Maybe it was dramatic or maybe it was more subtle. But at that moment, the love-bombing stopped and the devaluing began.

When things change, you look back on the love-bombing phase. You want nothing more than for things to be like that again. You want the relationship to be how it was in the beginning. Everything was so great. It’s hard to accept that it wasn’t real because emotionally, it felt real.

Love-bombing is a form of abuse.

To show up in someone’s life in a way that communicates one thing, whilst intending another, is deceptive. This is why it’s so important to learn to love yourself. Every day that you love yourself is another day that you get to validate yourself. This means, when someone shows up with bucket loads of love and validation, you won’t be hypnotized by it. You will already have it inside of you. When you love yourself and self-validate, you are connected to yourself and to your body. You will know what feels genuine and what feels fake.

Love yourself. Validate yourself. Listen to your gut and give yourself the space and stillness you need to hear the small, still voice within. Notice how your body feels when you are engaging with people. Keep returning back to yourself over and over again.

In new relationships, take things SLOWLY. Remember, trust must be earned, not given away for free. Don’t lead with your sexuality. Get to know the real person and be aware of how your body feels. Do you feel safe? Are you anxious, confused, uncertain? Notice how the other person makes you feel emotionally, not just sexually. Above all, I will say it again: love and validate yourself. The love you are looking for on the outside, from another person, is actually already inside of you.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Encyclopedia: The Narcissism Bible by Sam Vaknin

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W.,Ph.D.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd