How to Spot Spiritual Narcissists and Keep your Own Ego in Check.

Intention is everything. If your intention is to be of service to others and to make a positive difference in the world, then you are probably coming from a good place. If you are self-serving, then your primary goal is to make a positive difference to your bank balance, social media following or reputation.

To be successful, you need a dose of healthy narcissism — it means you believe in yourself and are proud of the work you put out. On the other hand, the narcissistic healer or therapist has a grandiose idea of who they are and their place in the world. They inflate the importance of their role and work. They are not in it to make a positive impact on the world. They are in it for the glory, admiration and endless narcissistic supply the role of healer, coach or therapist affords them.

They love being seen as the one who holds all the sacred knowledge. The only one who is special enough to help you heal. Instead of sharing information, they withhold it. They like to keep the balance of power tipped in their favor so they become the gatekeepers of your salvation.

Authentic healers and therapists put their clients’ or patients’ needs above their own. This is not easy and it can be the hardest part of being a coach, therapist or counselor. Whilst working with a client, your issues, challenges and feelings need to be put aside. This enables you to be fully present with the person you have the honor of serving. This is what makes you a professional. Narcissists can’t do this. They do not have the empathy required to truly hold space for you.

“Ego is able to convert anything to its own use, even spirituality.” ~ Chögyam Trungpa

An authentic coach, therapist or healer, recognizes that they do not have special powers or status. They are simply the faucet through which divine wisdom or healing energy flows through. God is using them to do his work. Done in the right spirit, this process of holding space for another person or a group is deeply humbling, challenging and rewarding.

Spiritual practices like prayer, breath work, meditation and yoga, to name but a few, are intended to help you let go of your ego-self. These practices are designed to help you live consciously, purposefully, and to be of service from a place of loving kindness. This ego-death helps you connect to your true-self so that you can be of service to others.

However, it goes awry when the ego-self hijacks the process. The ego now feels safe and superior for being so disciplined and “spiritual.” The ego-self assumes that it is the object of self-love and is the source of healing energy. Spiritual practices become narcissistic when an individual becomes enamored with themselves. They believe the person looking back at them in the mirror is the true-self.

Instead of developing a healthy sense of self-love, the spiritual narcissist, healer, coach or therapist assumes a position of superiority. Instead of becoming more kind and compassionate, the ego-self sets itself apart as better and more advanced than others. It sees itself as the Source of Divine energy and inspiration.

The spiritual narcissist does not see themselves as a fellow human being who has traversed the same challenges and limitations as you. Rather, the narcissistic coach, healer or therapist sees themselves as exalted. Their version of self-love is achieving fame, wealth, a mansion, expensive cars or a remodeled body. The spiritual narcissist, coach, healer or therapist now becomes this God-like figure that mere mortals are blessed to come into contact with.

Extreme examples of spiritual narcissism are seen in faith healers like John of God or cult leaders like Osho and David Koresh. Or esoteric healers who work with the dark arts and use fear to get you to buy their services. They spin fear-based stories like “to break this curse you need this” or “you need to buy this to protect yourself” etcetera.

I have had the dubious experience of consulting with two toxic healers and therapists in my life. The first one was a licensed clinical psychologist, recommended to me by my narcissistic ex. He felt there was something wrong with me because I did not want to have sex with him every single day, 365 days of the year, on demand. When I said no he would get angry and verbally abusive. He used aggression as a form of coercive control to get me to comply.

I grabbed the chance to see a therapist as I was desperate for answers. Was there something wrong with me? I had not yet figured out that I was a victim of narcissistic abuse. I was existing in that confused stage of emotional chaos where you are being gaslit, abused and controlled covertly. You know something is very wrong but you don’t know what. Just as you are about to leave the relationship, your partner suddenly becomes loving, supportive and kind. So you stay, believing things are finally back on track. Until the cycle of abuse starts again.

I have subsequently learned a lot about the body and how it responds to feelings of safety. When your body does not feel safe it goes into one of the survival responses — fight, flight, freeze and the fourth one, fawn, highlighted by Pete Walker in his book on Complex-PTSD: Surviving to Thriving.

When you do not feel safe in a relationship, your body will shut down and with it your desire for intimacy. Women in particular need to feel safe in order to feel desire. When she does not feel emotionally safe, her body is not primed for orgasm or reproduction. Rather it is primed for one of the survival responses mentioned above.

Your body is very wise. When you sexually shut down, it may be letting you know that something is off in the relationship. In a healthy, loving relationship, in which you feel cherished and safe, you will be naturally turned on by your partner. Your body will signal to you that it feels safe and you will be awakened to pleasure. It will also be safe for you to say “No.”

In my few sessions with this clinical psychologist, I poured my heart out, explaining why I did not want to have sex every day. I explained, in detail, about all the abusive and hurtful things my partner said to me on a daily basis. I was so confused about what was acceptable and what was not. I asked if he thought that was normal behavior.

I explained that because I was feeling so hurt, it was difficult for me to feel safe having sex, especially as my ex would want sex five seconds after making me cry. Instead of recognizing that I was in an abusive relationship and counseling me to safety, this therapist took my ex’s money and said NOTHING. The fact that he was counseling my ex separately at the same time was a huge red flag. The therapist was not going to bite the hand that fed him. After the third session, when I walked out of my therapist’s office literally feeling suicidal, I realized he was not the right therapist for me. Instead of feeling supported, I felt like I now had two abusers.

It should come as no surprise that the world of therapy, counseling and healing attracts narcissists in droves. These positions offer them an endless supply of vulnerable victims who they can control on a whim. The relationship between a therapist, healer, counselor or coach and client or patient is sacred. It should be honored. The person who is facilitating the process of healing should be humbled to be in sacred service to that person. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

Narcissists feed off the pain and suffering of others. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Instead of empowering their clients they may keep them dependent.

Here are some signs your therapist does not put you first and may be a Spiritual Narcissist:

– They use inflated language and big words to sound more intelligent than you. This often indicates you are dealing with a cerebral narcissist.

– They present themselves as the only true source of Light and Love or they proclaim that only they hold special knowledge or have access to secret information.

– They create an ‘us versus them’ mentality whereby “we are enlightened and others are not.”

– They constantly tell you “it’s your ego talking” when you want to give an opinion or share a goal. For example, when I told the “shaman” I met in India that I was writing a book, his response was, “That’s just your ego talking. Book knowledge means nothing. It’s life experience that counts.” What?! This narcissist failed to realize that books hold wisdom about people’s lived experiences. It takes a certain amount of courage and vulnerability to put yourself out there as a writer. This is how they gaslight you and devalue you. They put you down so that they feel superior.

– Narcissistic coaches, therapists and healers need to be admired for how special, unique and successful they are. They may claim their methodology was “downloaded” directly from God and they were specially chosen to bring you this special knowledge that you need to earn or up level to attain.

– During a session they do not value your time — they take private calls or answer text messages. They may cancel or end your session with no explanation or warning.

– They do not actively listen to what you are saying. They get distracted.

– They have weak boundaries.

– They get angry when you ask questions or confront them about an issue. They don’t answer your questions, act evasive or withhold information.

– They claim you are one of their “special” clients who “gets it.”

– They flirt with you.

In the helping field, communal narcissism is a form of narcissism whereby the narcissist believes they are on a special mission. They think that they alone will save the world and everyone in it. They project themselves as the most helpful and valuable resource. They use virtue signaling to let everyone know about all the good deeds they have done.

Communal narcissism is similar to grandiose narcissism in that it is defined by the same traits of entitlement, arrogance and overconfidence. It’s just showing up in a space where you expect to see humbleness and a genuine sense of duty and service.

Communal narcissists believe they are aware of things that others are not aware of. They are more psychic, intuitive and spiritual than others. They claim that their education and experience makes them an authority on your life, choices and health because they can see things you can’t.

The second dodgy experience I had was with a spiritual narcissist I met in India. They sold themselves as a shamanic healer doing plant medicine drumming ceremonies. The red flags were flapping when I realized they had sex with many of the women they worked and ‘journeyed’ with. This is totally inappropriate. It breaks the boundaries of the sacred contract of healing. It is the equivalent of a psychiatrist sleeping with a patient or a teacher sleeping with a student, or a priest sleeping with a member of the church who has come for counsel.

It is a major boundary infringement and it is an abuse of power. The medicine man in the village or tribe does NOT have sex with the women he helps to heal. Be very wary of Western “shamans” wearing beads and tattoos, while beating a drum and getting your root chakra activated. This is not healing, it’s taking advantage of vulnerable women (and men).

Unfortunately, many spiritual teachers, plant medicine facilitators and healers are narcissists. The supply they get from the vulnerable men and women who swarm to them, is intoxicating. They are taking advantage of people who are at their most vulnerable. People who are hurt and broken. People who don’t have strong boundaries and family ties. Please be very careful. Your healer or therapist should not be flirting with you or sexually arousing you. Period.

People in positions of trust like healers and counselors are the most dangerous. Just like family members, we automatically assume they have our best interests at heart. You do not for one moment consider that a therapist, healer or coach may have an agenda, just as you would not expect your lover, mother, sibling or spouse to have an agenda. But unfortunately, this is not always the case.

The spiritual community is the perfect hiding place for narcissists because they can prey on the vulnerable and not be questioned. Always trust your vibes — if something feels off, it is. Be very careful of who you let into your energy field. Just because they call themselves a ‘healer’ or ‘teacher’ or ‘therapist’ or ‘shaman’ or “Tarot reader”, does not mean they have your best intentions at heart. Just as you would do your research when choosing a surgeon or a car, do the same when choosing anyone to be of service to you emotionally or spiritually.

Most importantly, don’t blame yourself for being fooled by a narcissist. They can fool even the most experienced clinical experts.

Another thing to be wary of on social media is the upsurge in fake accounts imitating healers and Tarot card readers. Authentic healers and Tarot readers do not solicit you for a reading. In other words, they will not message you privately offering to do a reading for you or telling you they have a “special message” for you.

It is a major boundary infringement to claim to have a message for someone without their explicit permission or consent. The Law of Free Will states that no-one can act on your behalf without your permission. So, if someone claims to “know something” or has a message for you from your “ancestors” without you directly asking for guidance, you know for sure they are a fraud. Report the account and block them. It is the equivalent of unsolicited advice.

How to keep yourself safe

Trust yourself no matter who you are talking to.

Don’t be intimidated by someone who has knowledge in a field that you don’t. Spiritual narcissists love playing up on the mystery and mysticism of the spiritual world. This can cause you to unknowingly give your power away. Never put anyone on a pedestal. They are flawed human beings just like you and me. They just happen to have knowledge and experience that may or may not be helpful to you. If you are talking to someone well-known or who has been highly recommended or has a long list of credentials or years of experience, great! But let your intuition be your guide. Those things mean nothing if you do not feel safe.

Check in with yourself and notice if you feel empowered or disempowered. Do you feel safe enough to say anything and not be judged or chastised?

Do you feel respected? Does this person respect you, your feelings and your thoughts? Or do they invalidate them and tell you what you should think or should feel? A good therapist, healer or coach will treat you with respect and see you as an equal. They know you have come to them for their expertise but they know that you have expertise in other areas that they don’t. So there isn’t a power dynamic going on where the therapist, healer or coach elevates themselves as more advanced or enlightened than you.

Notice if they act like they are uniquely gifted and special. They may proclaim how special their gifts are. They brag about being more evolved than you as they describe how they astral travel to other dimensions, see “things”, read auras, balance chakras, predict the future, talk to your ancestors, connect with angels, manifest powerfully, meditate for five hours a day, only eat fruit and drink water…

Spiritual narcissism is very appealing, especially if you’re on the spiritual awakening path. I also feel the pull as it’s very seductive. True spirituality recognizes that we are all flawed and that none of us truly knows anything. When we leave this world we take nothing with us — not even our bodies. The soul is what is real — the rest is immaterial.

We are all struggling, suffering and celebrating as we share our human experience together, at this time, on planet earth. Some of us have gifts, experience or knowledge that can be helpful to others. Sometimes the gift and the healing occurs simply in the space of authentic human connection — heart to heart, soul to soul, human to human. In the words of author and scholar Martin Buber,

“When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them.”