Turns out Wounded Healers have the most to give.

A while back I made the fatal mistake of breaking No Contact. I ended up on the receiving end of a narcissistic rage attack. The attack came via a stream of nasty emails. I did not respond and will be holding my No Contact boundaries firmly in place from now on.

One of the things that was flung at me is that I am “too broken to help people and have F-all to offer anyone”. Narcissists love to diminish, devalue and gaslight you. “You’re too broken” is a classic gaslighting statement.

It’s a well known sentiment that, “hurt people, hurt people”. Unfortunately, narcissists project all their rage and self-loathing onto others. They don’t believe they are anything less than perfect. Sadly, they rarely put themselves on the healing path that all of those they’ve abused and gaslit find themselves on.

Many of us know we are traumatized or wounded. We own our stories. It’s how we find ourselves on the personal development path… or the back roads of India. I am very vocal about my people-pleasing and codependency conditioning. I have invested in therapy, coaching and healing retreats and practices. I have given up alcohol, nicotine and any other numbing substances. I can stand in the fullness of all my emotions and I can ‘fess up when I am in the wrong. Instead of denying my woundedness or playing the victim, I have chosen to transcend my trauma and find meaning in my pain.

Am I perfect?

No.

Do I sometimes get it wrong?

Yes.

But with self-awareness, I can choose to self-correct.

As I reflected on all the vitriol that hit my inbox like a Putin missile, I thought:

Who am I NOT to help people?

Having empathy, compassion and the ability to listen are traits we can all benefit from. Many of us are wounded healers, and you don’t need to be in the healing profession to be of service to others.

“We are all broken — that’s how the light gets in.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

What is a Wounded Healer?

A Wounded Healer is simply a person whose painful experiences have given them insight and wisdom that enables them to guide and help others. It’s a matter of sharing life experience with someone going through a similar challenge. It’s graduating from the University of Hard Knocks with a Masters in Life Experience.

Wounded Healers view all experiences as opportunities for growth. They take hardship on the chin and find meaning in their pain. The term ‘Wounded Healer’ was coined by the Swiss psychiatrist, Carl Jung. The theory is that a therapist or healer feels compelled to help others because they are also wounded. I remember, in my first year, when I was a Psychology student, we all joked we were there because we were trying to figure ourselves out. At least we were willing to do the (inner) work!

Jung discovered the archetype of the Wounded Healer in Greek mythology. The healing centaur Chiron became known as the ‘Wounded Healer’ after being poisoned by an arrow. He was unable to heal himself and suffered from a wound that would not heal. The ‘Wounded Healer’ also shows up in the Greek legend of Asclepius. He was a physician who suffered greatly and he created a sanctuary at Epidaurus in order to treat others.

“A good half of every treatment that probes at all deeply consists in the doctor’s examining himself… it is his own hurt that gives a measure of his power to heal. This, and nothing else, is the meaning of the Greek myth of the wounded physician.” ~ Carl Jung

The term has expanded from Jung’s original concept of the physician to generalize to any professional helper who has been wounded, including psychotherapists, nurses, counselors and ministers.

In his book, The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society, Henri Nouwen explains how this alchemical process of healing unfolds:

“Our own experience with loneliness, depression, and fear can become a gift for others, especially when we have received good care. As long as our wounds are open and bleeding, we scare others away.

But after someone has carefully tended to our wounds, they no longer frighten us or others. When we experience the healing presence of another person, we can discover our own gifts of healing. Then our wounds allow us to enter into a deep solidarity with our wounded brothers and sisters.

To enter into solidarity with a suffering person does not mean that we have to talk with that person about our own suffering. Mostly it is better not to direct a suffering person’s attention to ourselves. We have to trust that our own bandaged wounds will allow us to listen to others with our whole beings. That is [what promotes] healing.”

A study by Victor et al. (2021) found that 82% of applied psychology graduate students and faculty members in the United States and Canada experienced mental health conditions at some point in their lives. 82% drives home the point that if we wait until we are all perfectly healed before we help people, there would be no healers and therapists available! The human condition is by nature, flawed.

Drumroll… We are ALL wounded.

Some of us own our stories and some of us are still traumatized by them. The difference? We are just at different points on the journey. We are (hopefully) all constantly changing, evolving, healing and growing. There is no perfect person and there is no perfect therapist, healer or coach. Even the British Royal family has their “stuff” and let’s not even go down the celebrity rabbit hole of woundedness!

Tragically, narcissists cannot connect with their vulnerability and authenticity. This means they cannot identify their wounds, foibles or faults. Their fragile egos are dependent on the views of other people. Therefore they maintain their false self at all costs — I am perfect, I am powerful, I am omnipotent.

Carl Jung went on to outline the wounded healer archetype. Wounded healers tend to be intuitive and insightful. By sharing their stories and experiences, they can help inspire others on their healing journeys. Humans love stories and find meaning in stories. Life stories offer a road map for the Hero’s Journey.

A healer, therapist or counselor who has been wounded can more deeply empathize with their clients or patients. In truth, it’s overcoming our own pain, hurt and trauma that enables us to better understand others. Transmuting our own pain makes us better coaches, healers and therapists. Narcissists don’t know how to hold and feel their pain — so they project and vomit it outward to those around them. The scapegoat or current target is the one who gets dumped on. Narcissists self-soothe by projecting their emotions onto others. If they are angry for example, they’ll make sure you are seething in anger or bleeding in pain to make themselves feel better.

Whether you choose to help others formally as a career choice, or informally within your own family and community, to be able to actively listen to other people’s stories takes empathy, non-judgment, self-awareness and patience.

Wounded healers can be anyone — mothers, fathers, teachers or neighbors. Even a stranger can have an indelible impact on your life. Wounded healers have a knack for making those around them feel better, especially when you are going through a rough time. Because they’ve been “around the block” several times, they understand hardship. They also know how to instill hope so that you can see your way through the mud.

When my clients are full of doubt, questioning whether they are ready or qualified enough to launch their healing businesses, I remind them,

“There is always someone who knows more than you. Learn from them. And there is always someone who knows less than you. Teach them.” ~ Katia Beeden

You are ready and perfect right NOW, just as you are. Someone out there doesn’t know what you know and they need YOU to show them the way. Say it with me, “I AM enough.”

Wounded healers in history include Mother Teresa, a Roman Catholic nun and missionary who became Saint Theresa. Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist that survived a Nazi concentration camp. Alfred Adler, Henry Stack Sullivan and Freud were also modern day wounded healers.

Shamans are also wounded healers. They go through an intense initiation period. They are subjected to terrifying demonic attacks in the underworld. By confronting their fear and their shadow, they find their inner strength. By connecting with mother earth and their power animals, they strengthen their connection to the Divine and Mother Nature. In the process, they free themselves from the trauma of these experiences. They are then able to liberate others.

Jesus was the ultimate Wounded Healer as outlined in the below passage from Isaiah 53:3–5.

“He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces he was despised, and we held him in low esteem. Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by Him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

Wounded healers have so much to offer humanity. Not only do they have the benefit of wisdom gained through experience, they have open hearts, bucket loads of empathy, compassion and a burning desire to bring in the Light. They also have the ability to inspire others — all critical aspects on the healing journey.

6 Characteristics of a wounded healer:

1. Wounded healers are lifelong seekers on the spiritual path — they seek meaning and wisdom.

2. They have a calling and a strong sense of purpose — they find fulfillment in being of service

3. They’ve helped others since early childhood. Helping others is their nature — it’s not something they do, it’s who they are

4. People come to them when they are in need — they hold a space of non-judgment

5. They see all experiences as opportunities for growth — they seek to transcend pain

6. Wounded healers bring calm to the storm and hold a light in the dark.

In truth, no human being escapes being wounded, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The birthing process itself is traumatic. So is natural separation from the mother. Whatever you have been through, there is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. The new paradigm shifts us away from hiding our wounds and keeping secrets. Instead, we focus on how we can use our wounds in service of others. The best therapists and healers don’t necessarily have the most degrees — they have a Doctorate from the University of Life.

“Other people are going to find healing in your wounds. Your greatest life messages and your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts.” ~ Rick Warren

When your wounds and your trauma cease to be a source of shame they become a source of healing, and a Wounded Healer is born. To all the strong, luminous wayshowers out there — onward. You have a calling.

REFERENCES

“Is Your Therapist a Wounded Healer?” Psychology Today. December 30, 2021, Cahak, Roger M. (2021).

“Caring for the Wounded Healer — nurturing the self.” Journal of Bodywork. Vol 20 (4). P. 251–60, Dunning. Trisha. (2006)

Psychology of the Future. New York: State University of New York, Grof, S. (2000).

Trauma and the Role of the Wounded Healer. Cambridge University Press. August 13 by Hankir, R. Zaman and F. Carrick. (2021).

The Wounded Healer: Ministry in Contemporary Society (1979) by Henri Jozef Machiel Nouwen