They can be so hidden that you don’t see them at all.

 

I looked at the photo my partner had taken of me standing in the kitchen. I was shocked at how different I looked. How on earth did I get here? I had been unwell and was on medication for two debilitating autoimmune diseases. My face looked round and puffy and I was bloated from all the cortisone. My smile didn’t reach my eyes.

What had happened to the vibrant, energetic woman who loved to laugh? I didn’t recognize myself at all. The shock of that picture was the jolt I needed. That day I started to get an inkling that something was very, very wrong.

I was planning to have a baby with the “man of my dreams”. I lived in a house overlooking the ocean in an affluent area. I drove an awesome car and enjoyed regular overseas holidays. I had access to a weekend holiday house and plenty of money in the bank. I had a thriving career and friends… Why was I not happy, healthy and thriving?

I remember someone saying to me in passing, “Darling, you’re a canary in a gilded cage.” Looking back, they could see what I couldn’t at the time. What my life looked like versus what my life was really like, were two very different realities. Sure, I had material wealth and comfort, but I was living with an abuser.

Abuse happens in all types of relationships. Abusers intentionally frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, wound, humiliate or injure their victims. Abuse is not clear-cut and emotional abuse is particularly confusing. Everything seems fine but everything is NOT fine.

Abuse can come in many forms. It exists between parent and child, siblings, colleagues, and within friendships. Both men and women can be abusers, and both men and women can be in abusive relationships. The patterns of abuse are the same.

Looking back to that time in the photograph, I was so torn. I used Google to try and figure out if my partner’s behavior was normal. I could not discern what a healthy versus unhealthy relationship looked like. I felt attacked and criticized. I felt unwelcome in the family and I could feel the negative vibes. But nothing was obvious. I often felt triggered but I would look unreasonable if I pointed out what had upset me.

Everything felt wrong but I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. On the outside, my life looked like a fairy tale. On the inside, I was dying. The frustration of not-being-able-to-put-my-finger-on-it became the driving force behind the coaching work I do today. It’s also the motivation behind this article.

Back in those days, this type of information wasn’t neatly curated and easy to find. I had no idea what narcissistic abuse looked like. Due to childhood trauma, I couldn’t discern between abuse and love. The moment I understood what abuse looked like, everything changed.

“The moment that you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.” Unknown

 

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional abuse.

Many abusers express traits of having a personality disorder but do not have a full blown personality disorder. Sociopaths and narcissists are more likely to be abusive. They have a high need for control and have zero empathy. Borderline Personality Disorder is another personality disorder that is associated with abuse. The push-pull nature of someone with BPD, combined with their emotional dysregulation and volatility, makes the relationship inherently abusive.

However, the label or diagnosis is not what’s important. Whether someone has a personality disorder or not, is not relevant to your healing journey. What is important, is recognizing the patterns of behavior that are abusive. Knowing what to look for will empower you to make informed choices so you can take care of yourself.

Overt signs of abuse such as pushing, hitting, throwing or breaking things, are obvious. Emotional abuse is not so easy to spot, it is insidious. The hidden nature of emotional abuse is what makes it so damaging.

Psychological manipulation has deep and lasting effects on your mental and physical health. My autoimmune diseases were a direct result of the abusive environment I was in. Once I got away and started healing, I went into remission. I have been in remission for eight years now. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is often subtle. It can be difficult to recognize, especially when the abuser is someone close to you. You blindly trust that those closest to you have your best interests at heart. Sadly, it’s those closet to us that often hurt us the most.

All forms of abuse are about power and control. Abusers use underhanded tactics to manipulate your behavior and perceptions. They use aggression and control to keep you in line.

The abuser wounds you in such a way that it’s difficult to leave the relationship. You lose confidence in your ability to look after yourself. You convince yourself that you’re just imagining it. This is temporary, it will get better. The abuser is clever and disguises criticism as “loving” words of encouragement. They use humorous put downs to stick the knife into you. They act hot and cold, nasty and nice. They swing from being abusive to being loving. Some abuse is immediately followed by an “I love you”. It’s very disorienting!

“When someone constantly puts you down, leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything right, or makes you feel worthless, know that it’s not your fault. This isn’t love. It’s emotional abuse.” ~ Unknown

 

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse is any behavior that intentionally degrades or humiliates someone. The emotional abuser attacks a person’s inherent value and their personhood. They take pleasure in or get relief from diminishing someone.

These behaviors can be direct or indirect, overt or covert. Often, the only visible sign that anything is going on is how you FEEL in the relationship. You don’t feel good, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. That’s because your abuser uses covert and hidden tactics that seem small and insignificant. Yet, you feel like you’ve just been sucker punched.

Emotional abusers are manipulative and coercive. But at the same time, they are predictable! Their abusive behavior often follows a cyclical pattern. Narcissistic abuse follows the love-bomb — devalue — discard cycle.

Abusers get drunk and violent, and the next day act remorseful, loving and sorry — promising to never do it again. Things are okay for a while but then the tension builds. Once again, an explosion happens. The usual apology follows. Rinse and repeat.

 

The 4 Stages of the Abuse Cycle

1. Tension builds

As tension increases, communication breaks down. You as the victim becomes fearful. To feel safe, you will feel the need to placate the abuser. This is known as the fawn response.

2. The Incident

The abuser explodes verbally, emotionally, or physically. Anger, blaming, arguing, threats, intimidation.

3. Reconciliation

The abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames you, denies the abuse occurred, or says that it wasn’t as bad as you claim.

4. Calm after the Storm

All is forgiven and forgotten. No abuse is occurring during the cycle. This is also known as the honeymoon phase. Deep down you know this won’t last…

No one deserves to be in a relationship where they are mistreated or disrespected. It’s important to understand the signs of abuse. If you suspect that you, or someone you know is a victim of emotional abuse, take action to protect yourself or help others who may be struggling.

 

Here are some of the most common signs of narcissistic and emotional abuse:

Abusers demand immediate responses from you. They get angry or upset when you are unavailable. You anxiously check your phone in case you miss a call or a message.

Stalking or driving by your home or workplace.

Constant criticism and belittling. An emotional abuser will criticize your appearance, weight, intelligence, or your abilities. They make fun of you in private or in front of others. They belittle your accomplishments and goals. You can do nothing right!

Mixed messages. Your partner puts you down… and then says they love you. They tell you that you drink or eat too much, but will offer you an extra glass of wine or a slice of cake…

You feel scared of them, especially when they are are angry. You often walk on egg shells and are careful with your words. You’re too afraid to disagree with them or bring up hard conversations. Nothing ever gets resolved.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where the abuser manipulates your perception of reality. They may deny things they’ve said or done, make you doubt your memory or sanity, or tell you that you’re overreacting to situations. They constantly question you and your decisions.

Isolation. Emotional abusers try to keep you all to themselves. They discourage you from spending time with friends and family. They may make it difficult for you to see your loved ones, or even forbid you from having any contact with them. They may also prevent you from going to work.

Controlling behavior. Narcissists are controlling, possessive and jealous. Emotional abusers will often try to control every aspect of your life. They may control your finances, your schedule, or even your appearance. They may monitor your movements or check in with you to make sure you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

Emotional abusers may use threats or intimidation to control you. They may threaten to harm your loved ones or your pets. They may make you feel afraid or unsafe in order to get what they want.

Emotional Abusers will punish you for no reason. They won’t tell you what you did wrong, but expect you to grovel for forgiveness.

Emotional abusers will blame you for their own bad behavior. They project onto you and make you feel responsible for their anger, outbursts, or abusive behavior. They may also make you feel guilty for things that are not your fault.

Withholding affection as punishment. Emotional abusers may withhold affection, love, or attention as a way to punish you or to control your behavior. They may also give you the silent treatment or refuse to talk to you for extended periods of time.

Intentional ‘forgetfulness’. Narcissists and emotional abusers will pretend to forget about things and events that are important to you.

Hiding things from you to deliberately cause you distress. One of my ex’s hid my credit card away from me so they could watch me freak out. Abusers will hide your keys and other items as a way to gaslight and confuse you. Or, to make you late for work or an appointment.

They are very intense and become overly involved in your life. Emotional abusers often get too serious too quickly. They need constant contact. They text and call you incessantly because they are “worried about you.”

Nothing is ever their fault, and they are always right. They take no responsibility for their actions.

They do favors for you that you don’t want or that make you feel uncomfortable. They give you gifts as a way to ‘buy you.’

Patronizing your opinions. They treat you like a child and belittle you.

Countering. They always take the opposite view of what you say. This tactic known as countering and it can hook you into exhausting and useless arguments. Notice when it is happening and don’t take the bait!

They pressure you for sex. This is a violation of your boundaries and is a huge red flag.

Love-bombing you to erase bad behavior.

You can do nothing right. They never seem to be happy with you no matter what you do or how hard you try.

Creating ambiguity about your relationship status. Or threatening to leave if you don’t comply.

Reactive abuse. The deliberately push your buttons just to get a reaction out of you.

Hot and cold behavior. An abusive relationship often feels like a rollercoaster ride. You’re continually questioning reality and the relationship. You feel insecure and confused. They are loving and “normal” some of the time and then become mean and nasty at other times. They treat you differently around other people.

If you recognize any of these signs in your own life or in the life of someone you know, it’s important to seek help. Narcissistic and emotional abuse can have a serious impact on your mental and physical health. It’s important to take action to protect yourself or others from further harm. Counseling, support groups, and other resources are available to help victims of emotional abuse heal and move forward with their lives.

Your first defense against abuse is knowing what is acceptable treatment and what is not. Many people find the word abuse too strong and think it doesn’t apply to them because they haven’t been hit. Abuse is complex and is often hard to define, especially if it is covert, or hidden, or ambient.

Many of my clients have said that the psychological abuse they suffered was far worse than any physical abuse. The mind games combined with the abuser’s ability to twist things around, left them reeling. The abuser’s complete lack of responsibility or accountability means that the abuse never gets addressed.

Being on the receiving end of belittling comments and constant putdowns makes you feel confused, hurt, angry and ashamed. Knowing how to heal after an abusive relationship is so important, because all these negative feelings last well beyond the length of the abusive relationship.

I’m not going to lie, healing from emotional abuse is an uphill battle. It’s a long road back home to yourself. But it’s a journey well worth taking. As a victim of abuse, you lose your self confidence and self respect. Your self-esteem takes a nosedive, as does your health. If you are heavily invested in the relationship, it feels impossible to leave. So you feel trapped.

The most important thing is to pay attention to how you feel in the relationship. This is the one thing you can do to help yourself. Spotting abusive behavior can be really hard, especially when it is covert and subtle. This is where your feelings are your friends and your guides.

A loving, healthy relationship has boundaries and it feels supportive and safe. An abusive relationship does not possess this calm certainty. Being able to see your abuser for who they truly are, is a big step forward towards taking back your power.

Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, and there is help available if you need it.

 

References and Further Reading

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

If He’s So Great, Why Do I Feel So Bad?: Recognizing and Overcoming Subtle Abuse by Avery Neal

Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD: Workbook and Guide to Overcome Trauma, Toxic Relationships … and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships) by Linda Hill

The Narcissist in Your Life: Recognizing the Patterns and Learning to Break Free by Julie L. Hall

Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma by Ingrid Clayton

The Devil’s Toolkit by H G Tudor

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker