8 steps to start your healing journey

It’s taken decades, but you’ve finally figured out that one (or more) of your caregivers or parents are narcissists. After years of confusion and chaos, you feel a rush of relief wash over you. For the first time ever, everything finally makes sense. Unfortunately, your relief is short lived. The reality of your painful childhood hits you like a tidal wave.

After the relief, comes grief.

There’s a long road ahead as you try to make sense of what happened to you. It can feel overwhelming and terribly isolating, especially when no one else believes you. You see, narcissists are very clever at reserving their abuse for a specific child. They show their “loving” mask to everyone else and rip it off behind closed doors. Others don’t experience the narcissist the same way you do.

Don’t let your extended family’s denial of your reality get to you. If no one else will believe you, keep affirming to yourself, “I believe you.” Look at yourself in the mirror and say it out loud, “ I BELIEVE YOU.”

Your parents may have full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or they may be on the spectrum. They may be an overt or grandiose narcissist, or a covert narcissist. They may have comorbid Borderline Personality Disorder or Histrionic Personality Disorder. They may have other mental health or addiction issues. Whatever your personal situation, the outcome is the same:

You’ve grown up with no real sense of self, low self-worth and repeating patterns of toxic relationships.

Armed with your new realization, your priority is to take steps to protect yourself so that you can start healing.

“You can not heal in the same environment that made you sick.” ~ Unknown

8 steps to start your healing journey:

1. Radical Acceptance.

Your first challenge is accepting that your narcissistic parent is not who you think they are. Coupled with this, you need to face the painful truth that your narcissistic parent does not love you. Sure, you can convince yourself that they love you “in their own special way” but this is a distortion of truth. It will set you up to accept distorted versions of love from others. Real love is not abusive, neglectful or cruel. Period. Real love does not punish you for being yourself.

To heal and become your own person, you have to accept that they will never change. They are who they are.

Pyschologist, Carl Rodgers put forward that acceptance is the first step towards change. The practice of radical acceptance has its roots in Buddhism. It is based on the idea that suffering does not come from pain but rather, from your attachment to the pain. By accepting reality for what it is, you are empowered to choose how you respond to it. Instead of clinging to something that is hurting you, hoping it will change, you can accept that it wont — and let it go,

2. Give yourself space to heal.

You must establish boundaries. This may take the form of low contact or no contact. If no contact is not an option, then practicing the grey rock technique will help protect you. Exposing yourself to ongoing emotional abuse will stifle your healing process. Expect intense feelings of separation guilt to show up at this point. You’ve been programmed to be blindly loyal to an abuser… or else. You’ve been trained to put your abuser’s needs before yourself… or else.

Narcissists see others as extensions of themselves. Your sole purpose is to provide narcissistic supply… or else You are not respected as an individual with your own identity and needs. You are there to serve the narcissist and to be compliant at all times… or else. No matter how crazy, distorted or unfair it is, you have to buy into their version of “reality.” Being around them is not a safe space to heal in.

3. Make sense of what happened to you.

Making sense of what happened to you is not a once-off event — it’s a process. Have patience with yourself as you unpack and make sense of it all. The first step is knowing that narcissistic abuse is NOT your fault.

Educate yourself about narcissism. Find a therapist or a coach who understands narcissism so they guide you on your healing path. Knowledge is power. It will help you to move beyond the toxic confines of your narcissistic family. Recognize that you have been part of a dysfunctional and warped family system. Instead of encouraging unity, the narcissistic parent creates separation (divide and conquer). They assign roles and triangulate. They do this to maintain control. Understand your role (scapegoat, lost child or golden child) so that you can step out of it. You were cast as a character… and you were played.

4. Challenge the narcissist’s rules.

You’ve also been programmed to feel guilty every time you attempt to meet a need or a desire of your own. You had to focus on the needs of your narcissistic parent to the detriment of yourself. This means you may have neglected your self-care and personal goals. A narcissistic parent takes up all the room in a relationship. So, reclaiming your space and time are going to feel scary, like you are doing something wrong.

The narcissist will rage against your desire to take care of yourself. Your old pattern of pleasing and placating your narcissistic parent will flare up. You adopted this coping mechanism as a way to avoid their anger and punishments. You also adopted certain negative beliefs about yourself to survive.

You can only tolerate a narcissist’s abuse if, at some level, you believe you are deserving of that abuse. Healing involves releasing the negative beliefs that keep you tethered to your abuser. In doing so, you will realize that you are worthy and deserving of love, protection and support. You deserve to live your life on your own terms.

5. Feel your Feelings

Your authentic feelings are a direct threat to the narcissist. Your authentic feelings let you know that the narcissist is toxic, manipulative and abusive. From early childhood, you have numbed out your authentic feelings as a way to deny this painful reality. Systematically ignoring your feelings has kept you “safe.”

Healing requires you to come back into your body. Feeling safe in your body enables you to feel your authentic feelings. Having the capacity to tolerate the bodily sensations that arise, will reconnect you to your true feelings. Allow them to be there, feel them in your body and listen to what they have to say.

Get the support of a coach or therapist to help you work through your deep feelings of hurt and betrayal. You’ve been consistently invalidated and you will have to navigate through intense grief and anger. Be patient and gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve the childhood you never had.

What makes healing more complicated, is that despite the abuse, you still hunger for your mother or father’s love and validation. Your anger will trigger feelings of guilt. Try not to judge yourself and let your feelings be your guide. Choose no contact if that feels like the safest option. Or lower your expectations and put rock solid boundaries in place.

If someone makes you feel worse about yourself, that is your body telling you that they are not safe. Your feelings are your friends, bringing you important messages. Listen to them.

6. Quiet the inner critic

You’ve internalized your narcissistic parent’s voice as your own. It shows up as the inner critic. This inner voice continues to abuse you in the same way as your narcissistic parent did. Working with a therapist or coach will help you to talk to yourself in a more loving way. You will learn to self-soothe so that you can release self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse, addictions or self-harm. Your self-destructive behavior is an internalization of the narcissistic abuse you grew up with. You treat yourself the same way your parents treated you. By engaging in these behaviors, you continue to re-traumatize yourself.

Learning to love yourself is the key to healing.

7. Recognize your narcissistic “fleas”

Some of your narcissistic parent’s traits will have rubbed off on you. These traits are known as “narcissistic fleas.” Reflect on your own behaviors and reactions. Do you get angry very quickly? Are you emotionally dysregulated? Do you use manipulation to get attention? Maybe you talk over people? Interrupt while others are speaking? Give the silent treatment when you are upset? Notice which patterns are not serving you and make adjustments.

8. Be aware of your repeating attraction to narcissists

As humans, we move towards what feels familiar. For you, narcissists feel familiar. You are drawn to them like a moth to a flame. You may repeat the past in other relationships, including partners, friends, and bosses. It totally sucks, but you can break the cycle. This compulsion to repeat the past was recognized by Freud as the psyche’s attempt to heal. Knowing this about yourself will remind you to slow down the pace of your relationships.

Remember, trust and loyalty have to be earned over time. Your narcissistic parent programmed you to blindly trust them, despite their abuse. They demanded your loyalty despite repeatedly violating your trust. If you are not conscious of this, you will blindly trust others – and ignore the reg flags signaling they are not trustworthy.

In conclusion

Give yourself compassion and grace. If that feels impossible, find a therapist or coach to help you heal. Educate yourself about narcissism so that you can recognize when you are being manipulated. Reframe the negative beliefs you have about yourself. Distance yourself from your abusers. Understand what manipulation looks like so that you can fine tune your “narc radar.” If you do find yourself ensnared in another narcissitic web, immediately take action to remove yourself. Learn from the experience, forgive yourself and move on. Focus on creating a new life for yourself. A life well-lived is the best form of revenge.

References and Further Reading

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery by Shahida Arabi

It’s My Turn by Tina Fuller

Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power by Terri Apter

The Emotionally Absent Mother, Updated and Expanded Second Edition: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jasmin Lee Cori

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw

Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel