If you are a scapegoat, you did not deserve it and I believe you.

Nobody has your back. You’ve had to figure life out on your own without any support which has made you super independent. Unfortunately, your ultra-independence is a trauma response. Others view you as strong and in no need of support. From the outside, you have it all figured out…

Being independent is an important quality to have. But when it becomes a coping mechanism, it’s no longer serving you. Underneath your extreme independence lies deep fears of abandonment and disappointment . Those closest to you have repeatedly let you down. This has forced to you fend for yourself from a very young age. As an adult, you’ve stopped asking for help, even when you really need it.

As the scapegoat child, you possibly grew up taking on a caregiver role to your siblings and/or parents. In other words, you were parentified. Your parents were probably absent, abusive or narcissistic. If you were bullied, you would have believed that you cannot rely on your peers for support. This would have cemented the belief that it’s safer to take care of yourself.

The grief of these failed, dysfunctional relationships would have been overwhelming. With no-one to turn to, you turned inward. This triggered hyper-independence as a defense mechanism. It does not feel safe to let others into your life at all. You have come to believe it’s best to look after yourself and not rely on others. They will just let you down or hurt you anyways.

Alternatively, you are enmeshed in a codependent relationship. You think you are not alone but in truth, a toxic relationship is the loneliest place to be.

The isolation the scapegoat experienced in childhood follows them into adulthood. Your job now is to disrupt the cycle and heal. Unsubscribe from the faulty programs. Let go of the negative beliefs installed as you tried to survive the toxic system. Break away and be free!

Why does the scapegoat child exist in the first place?

The Dysfunctional Family makes up roles for each of its members. The persona of the scapegoat is completely fabricated. It does not represent the true personality of the scapegoated victim. The dysfunctional family creates a false story around who the scapegoat is. The scapegoat is painted as “wrong,” “difficult,” “mentally ill” and “bad,” when in fact, they are none of those things!

This lie gives the dysfunctional family permission to bully and abuse the scapegoat. The scapegoat can do no right and “deserves” to be excluded and pushed out. Why does the narcissistic parent need to set up the role of the scapegoat? To understand why, you need to ask what benefit the narcissist gains from having one around.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out the real role of the scapegoat child. I can’t remember whose work I was reading when it all clicked but I’ve included all my references below. It may even have been a meme on Instagram, whatever the source, it was a lightening bolt moment.

Let’s take a few steps back to understand.

A narcissist needs what H.G. Tudor refers to as Fuel to survive. The other term for fuel is narcissistic supply. A narcissist needs constant validation and attention. This fuel can be positive or negative, it does not matter. As long as fuel is flowing towards the narcissistic parent, they are (smugly) happy.

The only way that a narcissist can regulate their emotions is to maintain a steady flow of fuel. However, this can be an impossible task. There are times when supply chains run low and uncomfortable feelings arise. The narcissist does not know what to do with these uncomfortable feelings. To make themselves feel better, they dump or project them onto someone else. Cue the scapegoat.

The scapegoat becomes the family’s emotional dumping ground. They are the trash can for all the unwanted feelings, secrets, issues and dysfunctions. The family does not know how to FEEL and process their emotions in healthy ways. The lessons and skill-set of self-regulation and self-soothing were never passed on.

To maintain an image of superiority, the narcissist must always be seen as perfect. Anything that does not support the narcissist’s perspective becomes a hot potato. It is quickly given to the scapegoat. The scapegoat is blamed, shamed, ignored, punished and neglected. They become the dysfunctional family systems’ self-soothing mechanism.

Sadly, the scapegoat’s siblings often side with the narcissistic parent. They also benefit from the dysfunctional system. The siblings quickly realize that being in the firing line is a crappy place to be. To avoid being treated like the scapegoat, they become bullies themselves. This further enables the narcissistic parent. They do the dirty work for the narcissist by proxy.

The dysfunctional family takes no responsibility for their unwanted emotions and abusive behaviors. They dump it all onto the scapegoat. By treating the scapegoat like shit, they feel superior, which takes away any bad feelings they may have. This deeply entrenched family pattern is not a once-off occurrence. It has been passed down through the family’s lineage across generations.

Generations of trauma and dysfunction lie below the surface and no-one dares to go near it. It’s a festering wound that’s swept under the carpet and when that doesn’t work, it’s sidelined onto the scapegoat.

The scapegoat is essentially the holder and bearer of the family’s shame. Shame is the belief that I am bad. From a vibrational perspective, shame is right at the bottom along with grief and guilt. These deeply painful emotions hold the lowest frequencies. When you get stuck in them, they hinder your ability to reach your full potential. If you are the scapegoat in your family, love yourself fiercely. Do the work you need to do to move into joy, love and peace.

The unspoken rule in any toxic relationship is that nothing and no-one changes. Dysfunctional families maintain the status quo at all costs. They have zero intention of changing, healing or evolving. The dysfunction works for them. It suits them to continue the pattern. So, the pain and suffering of the scapegoat is simply collateral damage.

The scapegoat has no understanding of what is really going on. The scapegoat child continues to reach for connection and acceptance. They work hard to prove that they are lovable and worthy – but to no avail. The narcissist needs a scapegoat like a heroin addict needs another fix. Without a scapegoat, the narcissist risks going into narcissistic collapse.

The scapegoat role has been deliberately created to preserve the narcissist’s fragile ego. In his book Fuel, What makes the Narcissist Function? H.G. Tudor describes the different types of fuel a narcissist needs to survive. You can read the book to understand narcissistic supply more deeply. As a diagnosed narcissist, he shares that fuel from a codependent is the most potent and sought after form of narcissistic supply.

A codependent puts all their needs and desires on the back burner. They only serve the narcissist’s needs. A codependent numbs out all their feelings and endures the pain and abuse. Who do you think trained the codependent?

The narcissistic parent did.

Scapegoats are notoriously codependent. They have been trained from birth by a narcissistic parent to be codependent. They have been molded to be the perfect source of supply. This is why so many scapegoats find themselves in narcissistic relationships as adults. It’s the role they have been programmed to fulfill. Your role as a scapegoat is to prevent narcissistic collapse.

A narcissistic collapse mostly happens to covert or introverted narcissists. But can happen to overt or grandiose narcissists as well. It occurs when the narcissist fails to maintain a steady flow of narcissistic supply. Or when the narcissist experiences a major narcissistic injury or setback. It often happens when the narcissist loses their primary source of narcissistic supply. If they don’t have a back-up battery lined up, they crash and burn.

During these upsets, they can no longer hide from who they truly are. They succumb to the emptiness and void within. It’s a narcissist’s worse nightmare to face the nothingness and ugliness of their true selves. Eleanor Greenberg, describes how they become so anxious and depressed, they can’t get out of bed. In this state of collapse, they can no longer function at a normal level.

Many scapegoats grew up with a parent who always took to their beds. They were left to look after themselves and their siblings for days or weeks on end. Narcissists become unbearable to live with in this state. You’ll find yourself walking on eggshells more than usual. They don’t shower, brush their teeth or show up for their children. They literally check out.

I believe it’s a dark night of the soul and an opportunity for them to face themselves and make new choices. But once they recover, it’s business as usual. In a severe collapse, the narcissist may attempt suicide in a desperate attempt to get supply.

The role of the scapegoat is a very lonely, painful and confusing place to be. Most of the time, you are being bullied or neglected. At other times you are being love-bombed. The love-bombing cycle precedes an attack. Before you know it, you are once again trying to claw your way back into acceptance.

You spend your life hoping things will finally get better. But they never do. You never feel like you belong. A common limiting belief that shows up in my coaching practice is, “I don’t belong here” or “I shouldn’t be here.” These beliefs run in the background and inform your choices. You’ll always feel like you don’t belong – in jobs, homes, relationships, situations. Your external world will reflect your limiting beliefs until you release and replace them.

To be kicked to the curb and abused by your tribe members is deeply traumatic. As a human, your DNA is wired for connection. To be thrust into the role of the scapegoat puts you into a state of survival. Instead of having a normal childhood, you grow up in a constant state of fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Pete Walker’s work on Complex PTSD is extremely helpful for those on the healing path.

Healing means facing the reality of what happened to you. You have a deep abandonment wound. You never had the safety of a secure attachment to your primary caregiver. Your nervous system is possibly dysregulated due to the fear and terror you were exposed to. Coming to terms with your past is an important part of your healing journey.

To all the scapegoats out there who are struggling with self love, please enjoy your body just as it is. Allow yourself to feel the sensations of all your emotions. This is the pathway back to yourself and your intuition. Don’t let anyone tell you any different, you are beautiful and you are special. Ditch all self hate and allow yourself to take up space. Be heard and shine your unique light.

References and further reading:

Complex PTSD: From surviving to Thriving by author Pete walker

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud & Dr John Townsend

Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin

Fuel, What makes the Narcissist Function? By H.G. Tudor

Connected Fates, Separate Destinies: Using Family Constellations Therapy to Recover from Inherited Stories and Trauma by Marine Selenee

Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel

Trauma: Healing Your Past to Find Freedom Now by Nick Polizzi and Pedram Shojai