Make yourself difficult to manipulate.

According to Sandra Brown, in her book, Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists, the majority of psychopaths are men. They prey on women who are vulnerable and have high levels of empathy. They do not choose their targets randomly. They choose them very intentionally.

These abusers are predatory, meaning they know who is vulnerable and who is easy to manipulate. They deliberately target those who come across as empathic, confident and professional. They notice if you have a high tolerance, in other words you are numbing or suppressing your body’s feelings and sensations alerting you that something is not quite right. They also create a false sense of intimacy to evaluate if you are prone to blind trust.

According to Sandra Brown, the women most vulnerable to abusers share specific, common traits.

– High empathy
– Agreeable
– Loyal
– Relationship-centric
– Cooperative
– Conscientious

When you meet a man for the first time, know what to look for. Understanding human behavior is especially important in this digital age of online dating. Know what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. This is particularly tricky if you grew up in an environment of abuse. Your nervous system will become activated when you are around someone familiar. You risk mistaking this for “chemistry”. It’s important to remind yourself that this person is a complete stranger. You know nothing about them. Trust has to be earned through consistent right action over TIME. Never give it away for free.

Do not fall for the fantasy of love at first sight, especially if you have a history of being in narcissistic or abusive relationships. You are most vulnerable during the ending of a current relationship or within six months to a year of the break up. You feel lonely, sad and are looking for someone to replace what you have lost.

Personally, I met and even went on to marry someone I met online. My vulnerability and naivety meant I got sucked into a destructive and dangerous situation. I totally ignored the red flags. I had come out of a toxic, abusive narcissistic relationship but was still financially dependent on my ex. A year later, I hit rock bottom and was living with my narcissistic ex and his new supply who had borderline personality disorder. It was a nightmare. It’s taken me a long time to be able to talk about this without shame.

The point is, I was very vulnerable. So, when an online stranger started displaying acts of kindness and compassion, I jumped into what I perceived as a lifeboat. I want to emphasize that you DO NOT know someone until you have spent quality time with them IN PERSON for an extended period of time. In my case, the hours and months of face-to-face Skype calls all proved to be yet another illusion. This person mirrored myself back to me. They claimed to be super into meditation, angels, crystals, numerology, spirituality. They claimed to be my “twin flame”. They bombarded my email inbox, Whatsapp, Instagram and Messenger apps multiple times a day. Instead of seeing this as a huge red flag, I bought into it because my living situation was so volatile and desperate. I saw this person as my knight in shining armor.

But they were just play-acting a role and I was hoping to be rescued.

I eventually flew to the United States to meet them in person. Literally 72 hours later, the devaluation began. I was still operating in my old programming. Instead of recognizing what was happening and getting on a plane straight out of there, I went into compliance mode. I tried to appease and please.

Ten months later, against my better judgment, we got married. The day the ring was placed on my finger, the mask fell right off. My romantic dream became another living nightmare. By the grace of God I got myself safely back to South Africa 6 months later.

The thing is, these abusers show up in your life as a dream come true. You get so caught up in the fantasy, you don’t realize you are being played. Looking back, I can see it all so clearly. My intention is to make you difficult, if not impossible, to manipulate. That is why I keep writing articles on narcissistic abuse. When you understand the nature of the beast, you can respond appropriately and keep yourself safe.

First off, you cannot diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder after only meeting them once. Sure, you may spot a few narcissistic traits and determine that they are a narcissist. But you won’t have enough evidence to diagnose them for sure. Their rudeness, lack of empathy or the way they treat the service staff may be because they are stressed and having a bad week. This is no excuse for bad behavior, but one must be careful not to label people too quickly.

A proper diagnosis can only be done by a mental health professional such as a psychologist or psychiatrist (psychotherapist) who uses specific tests to help with their assessment. Our job is not to diagnose, rather our job is to recognize red flags and keep ourselves safe. Knowing what to look for on a first date will determine whether you leave it there or open yourself up to a second meeting.

It’s important not to fall into the trap that I did — we became pen pals and only met seven months later. It may feel like a real relationship because the hours of conversation and text messages feel validating, but it is not. It is a fantasy relationship that does not exist in reality. Meet the person sooner rather than later so you don’t waste your precious life writing to a loser or an abuser.

 

What is a dating red flag?

Red flags are warning signs that point to a problem, issue or challenge in the future. Obvious examples of red flags on a first date are:

– Talking only about themselves

– Gossiping about their ex

– Rudeness

– Commenting negatively on your weight, clothing or looks

Red flags can be subtle or obvious and show up in the words the person uses, tone of voice, body language, actions and behaviors. If you ignore them or fail to see them, you may find yourself in a dangerous situation or relationship.

Sociopaths and narcissists know how to pull the wool over your eyes. They either act confident and devilishly charming, or they play the ‘woe-is-me-card’ hooking you in with a sad story. It’s important to understand how these manipulators operate.

On the first date with a narcissist, you are not meeting a real person. They are not showing up as their authentic selves. It’s a game to them. What narcissists and abusers do instead is mirror you. They observe you and listen intently to everything you say. They ask questions and extract as much information as possible. This looks like an attentive date who is interested in you and it feels great! As you speak, they create their mask using the information you are giving them. You love tennis? They are mad about it. You like hiking? They’ve done all the major routes. You’re a fan of such and such a band. They’ve got tickets.

Mirroring creates the illusion that you’ve met your perfect match. None of the above is true. They are making it all up on the fly, based on the information you are giving them, at the time. This creates a feeling of familiarity which builds a premature feeling of trust. You think that they are like you, therefore they have the same values as you, so you drop your guard.

Another tactic they use is to deliberately tell you a sob story. They use your empathy to hook you in. They will tell you about their traumatic childhood, their dying mother, the sibling they lost, the ex that cheated on them, the dog that died… These may well be true stories but they are shared prematurely. The intention is to create a fake sense of intimacy and trust.

As an empathic person, you believe they must really trust and like you to be going so deep with you. You think this is a good thing and see it as a sign that they want more than just sex. Wrong! Be very wary of someone who overshares prematurely. It shows a distinct lack of boundary recognition.

How To Spot A Narcissist On A First Date.

1. They talk about their childhood trauma or some other tragedy going on in their lives. A first date is not the time to go deep. This is oversharing with a stranger and is inappropriate. A first date is meant to be light.

2. They mirror you. Notice if they are sharing about themselves or simply responding with, “me too”. Narcissists are good at mirroring back and parroting back exactly what you are looking for. Do you want a family? They can’t wait to be a dad. This mirroring effect gives the relationship a certain level of intensity. This intensity creates a premature attachment. You think you’ve met your soul mate because you “have never felt like this before.” This technique sucks you into an instant relationship. Three months later you are engaged to a stranger. The intense chemistry makes you override this truth and you feel like “you’ve known them forever”.

3. Notice if you start talking fast and feel a bit floaty and heated. You may literally feel hot and need to take off your sweater. Narcissists are very intense and they know how to pull you into their reality. They give off an electric vibe and have a magnetic energy. You may think that this is just you letting go and having fun. You are getting “caught up in the moment”. This is actually a sign to slow down and get grounded. Take a deep breath, go to the ladies room if necessary. It’s important to slow down and come back into your body.

Be aware that you are disconnecting from your body and being pulled into the narcissist’s vortex. This can feel like chemistry, fun and being on a high. However, a healthy connection feels calm, safe and grounded. You don’t make good judgment calls when you are in that heady, ungrounded state. And a predator wants you ungrounded and unguarded.

4. They do not take personal responsibility and blame everything and everyone else but themselves. They have an excuse for every mistake and every failure.

5. They are hypersensitive and feel slighted or injured if things don’t go exactly according to plan. Under the calm veneer is a simmering rage. They are dismissive or aggressive towards those they deem as “lesser”. They may be downright misogynistic, moaning about “bloody women drivers,” for example.

6. They have a criminal record. Obvious, but as an empath, you believe in second chances… Narcissists are arrogant and believe they are above the law. Unfortunately for them, they often do get caught.

7. They talk aggressively and use expletives, threats or hostility. This is toxic masculinity and is not sexy! On a first date? RUN.

8. You’ve just met and they say they can see the two of you getting married one day. Or, he says he intends to put a baby in there, pointing at your belly.

10. They ignore your request to choose from the menu. They insist on ordering for you.

I remember years ago, I was working as a waitress in Pretoria, South Africa. I often witnessed this controlling behavior in the Afrikaans community. The wife or girlfriend would look down as soon as I approached the table to take the order. The man would do all the talking. On a few occasions, I deliberately tried to ask the woman what she wanted. Something simple like, “can I top up your water?” These downtrodden women would always avert their eyes and look away, silent. Heads down, they would not dare to speak to me. He would decide what she needed and speak for her. She would only lift her head once I had walked away. Alarmingly, this was not a rare occurrence.

11. He is constantly checking his phone.

12. He flatters you and exaggerates your talents and traits. Narcissists and psychopaths use superficial charm to reel you in. This is why you don’t see them coming.

“If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.”

13. Immediately after the date he starts bombarding you with text messages. Red flag alert.

14. Snooping. You excuse yourself to go to the ladies room and while you are away, he checks your phone or rummages through your bag.

15. They forgot their wallet. A man with no money or who asks for money is a con man. A real man would rather die than ask a woman for money. No matter how sincere they seem to be, don’t ever give money to a person you’ve met on a dating app. They will try to manipulate you and weaponize your empathy and say they desperately need your help. Don’t fall for it.

If the relationship does progress past the first few dates and you find yourself in an instant relationship, look out for these manipulative tactics:

16. The use of a ‘back story’. They tell you how their ex did so-and-so and how their actions ruined the relationship. Subconsciously, you vow to never do the same thing. There were two ways my ex used the back story technique on me.

He continually described how his ex wife had “anger issues” and was “addicted to anger.” He repeated this narrative throughout our relationship. He emphasized how unattractive and unpleasant anger was. This was a clever way for him to keep me “sweet”. The unspoken agreement was that if I ever got angry, I was acting like his ex wife and he would leave me.

The second back story was how his ex wife withheld sex from him. This forced him to hire prostitutes and it perfectly justified him shagging the kids’ nanny. I was super young and naive at the time and instead of seeing through his bullshit, felt I had no autonomy over my body. To avoid him straying, I had to submit to repeated acts unwanted sex. Being a narcissist, he strayed anyway. Be very wary of the back story and what behaviors you find yourself modifying, tolerating or suppressing.

 

DON’T BE NICE

As young girls we are taught to be “nice”. Don’t ask questions, it’s rude. Don’t interrupt, it’s rude. If someone asks you to do something, say yes. So you don’t speak up because you worry about hurting the other person’s feelings or worse, what if they think you are rude? Sometimes speaking up and revealing a hard truth is the kindest, most compassionate thing you can do.

Abusers and narcissists take advantage of your agreeability. They will deliberately push your boundaries to test how far they can go. This is why it is so important to learn how to assert yourself. Know what is okay and what is not. Learn to be comfortable with people not liking you. A narcissist will hate you for having boundaries. Setting boundaries is how you flush them out! Remember, saying NO to a narcissist or a rude date is saying a big, fat, juicy YES to yourself.

Nice girls don’t get ahead. Nice girls get taken advantage of and settle for shitty jobs and shitty relationships. Nice girls tolerate bad behavior and have their boundaries violated repeatedly. Nice girls get sick and they get silenced.

For centuries women have been conditioned to be polite and obedient. To be attractive is to be non-complaining and compliant. The trouble is, nice girls end up abandoning themselves in the hope of gaining love and connection. Nice girls leave their bodies during bad and unwanted sex. When they try to speak up and say no, their throats close and the words can’t come out. They lose their voices and in the process, they lose themselves.

Ask yourself, what actions, activities, places, people or practices leave me feeling energized and excited?

Then notice the actions, activities, social media accounts, people, situations and places that leave you drained and exhausted. What consumes your thoughts with fear or worry?

Learn to set boundaries and don’t let people manipulate you. Become aware of where you are leaking energy. And don’t fall for the charming, nice guy act!

 

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry, controlling men by Lundy Bancroft.

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind: The Narcissistic Abuse Survivors Guide to Healing and Recovery by Randy G. Fine.

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W.,Ph.D.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown , Jennifer R. Young

Without Conscience — The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths among Us by Robert D. Hare

Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Encyclopedia: The Narcissism Bible by Sam Vaknin