They are sneaky and covert — watch out!

Female narcissists are like spiders, spinning their invisible webs so that they can trap and ultimately, feed off of you. When they infiltrate your family or social circle they come across as loving, charming, nurturing and helpful. They mirror all the qualities you admire right back at you. They pretend to like the same things as you. They pretend to LOVE your family and friends — you think you’ve met your ideal soul mate. But it’s all a lie. The woman you are falling in love with does not exist. Instead, she is a predator who will eat you alive, including her very own young.

There is no major difference between male and female narcissists. They use the same tactics and cause the same amount of damage. However, in general, female narcissists tend to get their main sources of supply from their children and the home. The female narcissist keeps her children weak and dependent on her. The male narcissist on the other hand, is more likely to leave the care of his children to his wife and other caregivers, on a day to day basis. He finds more rewarding sources of supply outside of the home. Also, women tend to be more passive aggressive than their male counterparts.

Instead of fostering cohesion and connection, a female narcissist sets about destroying close family bonds. She systematically tears families apart whilst projecting the image of being the perfect mother, with the perfect family. They have to be the center of attention at ALL times. If they are not, they will do whatever it takes to get the focus back onto them. I witnessed a female narcissist literally drop to the ground, pretending to faint because her boyfriend was having an in-depth conversation with his sister.

They see other relationships as a direct threat to their narcissistic supply. Slowly but surely, they will isolate their victim and before you know it, the family has lost a beloved member into the female narcissist’s web of deceit.

Female narcissists are passive aggressive and are brilliant at ambient abuse. Ambient abuse is sneaky, covert and manipulative. According to Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited, ambient abuse is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It’s insidious and hidden and is therefore the most dangerous kind of abuse there is.

It creates an atmosphere of fear — the victim modifies their behavior so as to not set off or upset their partner. They never know how their partner will react, so they try to keep the peace. Ambient abuse looks like a subtle hint, a demeaning comment, gaslighting, and creating a “heavy” atmosphere if you “do something wrong…” The female narcissist knows how to turn on the tears to manipulate your emotions and to keep you at heel.

Ambient abuse puts the victim (the long-suffering romantic partner) in a constant state of instability and unpredictability. The victim often ends up drinking a lot, smoking cannabis or dissociating in other ways to numb out. The victim and long-suffering partner does not realize that they are trying to escape from the intensity of their partner’s abuse. They have bought into the illusion that their partner is loving and has their best interests at heart.

They have no idea how controlling, manipulative and devious their partner actually is. All the sneaky behavior happens behind the scenes, so nothing is seen or obvious. The female narcissist will lie about the victim’s friends and smear the victim’s family members. They end up convincing their victim that their family and friends are “bad” and must be cut loose.

The female narcissist knows that the best way to control someone is to isolate them. She will not allow her partner to visit family and friends without her. Solo trips are banned and she manipulates her partner into making her the centre of their universe. The victim’s whole world becomes their relationship with their partner. They slowly start to lose themselves and become ensnared in the narcissist’s cycle of abuse.

Here are 12 signs you are dating or dealing with a female narcissist

1. Cycles of peace are followed by cycles of volatility. One moment you are the hero, the next you are being punished for a perceived slight. Love is given and just as quickly, love and sex are withheld. This is the classic narcissistic cycle of idealize (love bomb), devalue, discard. And just when you think everything is back to “normal,” the crazy-making starts again. She will put you on a pedestal and if you’re not worshipping the ground she walks on, she will kick the chair out from under you.

2. The female narcissist has no real friends. She only keeps people around if they have value or are useful in some way. There’s always a drama story with the women in her life. If she does have friends, they are usually codependent relationships which she exploits to her advantage. You however, are not allowed to freely spend time with YOUR friends. Your time spent away from her is monitored and controlled. If you are away from her, she will continue to call and text you, or create drama to pull you away and back to her. She convinces you that she can NEVER be left alone.

3. She uses her sexuality to manipulate you and keep you hooked. In the beginning, she comes on strong. She speeds up the pace of the relationship. She intuitively knows how to make you addicted to her. She gives, then she withholds which traps you into a trauma bond. Female narcissists are experts at weaponizing their sexuality, especially if they have comorbid Histrionic Personality Disorder. She has no issues with using her body to get ahead in her career, to get extra narcissistic supply or to smooth over her bad behavior. Like their male counterparts, female narcissists are also notoriously unfaithful. The female narcissist is known to create love triangles. She will sleep with her best friend’s husband or steal your boyfriend out from under you, for no other reason than the thrill of it. Destroying your happiness is her pleasure. She engineers ways to hurt those she is jealous of and takes sadistic pleasure in seeing the downfall of you and your relationships. She also manipulates her partner by deliberately evoking jealousy.

4. The female narcissist has NO boundaries. She will read your emails, text messages and monitor your social media accounts. She will rifle through all your stuff and flirt with your best friend. She will open your cupboards and look through your drawers. She will wear your clothes and borrow your things without asking. She inserts herself into your family’s private affairs. She feels entitled to use you and your resources to her full advantage. What’s yours is hers, what’s hers is hers.

5. She has ZERO empathy. Her lack of empathy is jaw dropping. The inherent female desire to nurture and emotionally attune to another human being, is severely lacking in a female narcissist. If they cause pain or discomfort in order to get their needs met, they do not feel shame, guilt or remorse. If they are a malignant narcissist, they will go so far as to take pleasure in your pain.

Narcissists in general are incredibly envious of others. They will deliberately sabotage those they see as a threat or as more successful than them. They will gossip, lie, spread rumors and stage a smear campaign to destroy your reputation or career. They do this to other females and they will do it to you if you try to leave them. They will accuse you of heinous crimes with no regard for the consequences of their actions. If you are looking for a real friend, the female narcissist is nowhere to be found. When you are sick or need someone to talk to, they deliberately go AWOL. These tend to be 1-sided relationships.

Unless it benefits her or makes her look good, crickets.

6. Female narcissists tend to create girl gangs in social and work environments. She uses her recruits (flying monkeys and enablers) to bully and torment those she deems a threat. In family circles, she triangulates by putting herself in the middle of all relationships she deems “too close.” Suddenly she is the puppeteer, pulling all the strings and everyone is beholden to her. This feeds her insatiable need for power and control. She is a bully and a bitch but hides behind the fake veneer of a calm, innocent, persona.

7. She is a drama queen. Dramalina is the narcissistic female’s second name. Gossip, intrigue, rumors and chaos are all orchestrated by her for her viewing pleasure. She will deliberately make a huge issue out of something small. Her presence sucks all the air out of the room. If she is unwell — it becomes a matter of life and death. If she has a small accident, it’s nuclear.

It’s exhausting.

She is the opposite of peace.

8. The female narcissist is always angry. If you dare to criticize her in any way she becomes enraged. You will be taken out at the knees. Just like her male counterpart, the narcissistic female’s rage is dramatic, intense and scary. However, the female narcissist has also mastered the art of passive aggression. A look, tone of voice, silence, insults couched as compliments, humiliating you in front of others, she knows exactly how to abuse you whilst projecting an image of perfection and innocence.

You look like the person with the problem and she looks like the victim. Her sneaky and covert behavior covers up her violence and her rage. If she has borderline tendencies, she will escalate to screaming and shouting as she verbally abuses you. She will break things and throw things at you. She may even physically attack you. Stay very calm if you find yourself on the receiving end of one of these rage attacks.

9. She is a control freak. It’s her way or the highway. Without realizing it, every aspect of your life starts to revolve around her needs and her moods. At first, you admire the fact that she is a strong woman but this is not normal, healthy independence and autonomy. With a female narcissist it is far more sinister. There is no room for your needs, or your friends’ and familys’ needs. It is all about HER. She will create drama, throw tantrums, sulk and act fragile to ensure she gets her way. Every. Single. Time. Eventually you start giving way just to keep the peace. She now has you exactly where she wants you — neutered, obedient and compliant. *Insert sound of cracking whip*

10. She is NEVER wrong. YOU are wrong. If you point out a discrepancy or a lie, or simply disagree with her, she will deny, deflect or flip it onto you. She will blame you for your previous mistakes or bad behavior. YOU made her do it or YOU drove her to it. Just like her male counterpart, she turns the conversation around and focuses on all your negative behaviors and traits. Urgh.

The more you try to argue or disagree, the louder and more aggressive she becomes. She uses fake outrage, vindictiveness or emotional withdrawal to bulldoze you into compliance. She will talk over you or shout at you. She repeats the same nonsensical, emotionally-charged statements over and over until she drowns out all reason and logic. If that doesn’t work, she gives you the silent treatment until you submit and apologize for your “offense.”

11. She is an attention whore. She has to be the center of attention at ALL times. If a family member, friend or work colleague is sick or needs help, she will throw a hissy fit. How dare you spend more time with someone else! She wants you all to herself. She will accuse you of ignoring or abandoning her if you don’t give her the attention she demands. Men who were raised by narcissistic mothers are particularly vulnerable to this form of emotional manipulation. They have been groomed by their mothers from birth to be at a needy, demanding woman’s beck and call.

You better answer that call or reply to that text stat. When she says jump, you do it NOW. She must know where you are at all times. You have to check in daily or multiple times through out the day. Like a small child you get questioned, “where are you?” “Where were you?” “What took you so long?”

12. They always play the victim. One thing ALL narcissistic women and covert narcissists of both sexes do with aplomb, is play the victim. If they can’t wiggle out of a lie or if they are called out on their behavior, they immediately go into victim mode. Woe is me! They spin the story to paint themselves as being unfairly attacked for “standing up for the their truth” and having the “courage” to speak out etcetera. Bear in mind, their truth is not THE TRUTH.

An article on female narcissism would not be complete without mentioning the nefarious nature of the maternal narcissist. Narcissistic mothers wreak havoc on their families and destroy their children emotionally. They see their children as extensions of themselves. Narcissistic females treat their children as objects and use them to meet their selfish needs. Otherwise, their children are devalued, ignored, abused and neglected. Narcissistic mothers often compete with their daughters, especially if their daughters represent a threat in terms of beauty and talent. Their sons often become their surrogate husbands.

It is destructive and damaging to be ensnared in any kind of relationship with these manipulative women. Press the eject button and get far, far away as soon as you can.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Narcissistic Abuse: A to Z Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder Encyclopedia: The Narcissism Bible by Sam Vaknin

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W., Ph.D.

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering

Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick Carnes Phd