11 Signs your friendships are 1-sided.

I was super excited to visit my old friend and work colleague. I had not seen her since she had moved out of town. I was looking forward to seeing her new home and how her children had grown over the past year. I sang along to Bob Marley as I wound down the coastal roads, my window wide open, welcoming the cool sea air.

I spent the afternoon with her and her children. We caught up on the latest news, she showed me around her new home and we went for a short walk on the beach. After a few hours, I was more than ready to go home. I said my goodbyes, buckled up and reversed out of the drive.

The first thing that hit me was this heavy feeling of depression. I felt low energy, low mood and low vibe. I was struck by the contrast between my arrival and leaving. I had arrived feeling great. I had been singing Reggae songs out loud, feeling good and was looking forward to a great afternoon. What had shifted in the space of three hours?

As I drove home, I reflected on the afternoon and the conversation. She had been putting me down in subtle little ways the whole afternoon. A micro-aggression here and a subtle put down there. I did not have the insight and knowledge that I have now about narcissism and manipulation tactics. But I was aware enough to realize that whatever had happened that afternoon did not feel good. I promised myself it would never happen again. That was about 10 years ago and I have not seen her since. I never gave her the opportunity to crush my spirit again.

In truth, there had been many red flags leading up to that day. I chose to ignore the barbs. I hoped that this time things would be different. What I’ve learned is that people are who they are. They rarely change and the passage of time does not magically soften their negative traits, jealousies and manipulative behavior. For those of us on the personal development path, hopefully we sharpen our skills so that we can notice what is happening and not take it personally.

“When you finally learn that a person’s behavior has more to do with their own internal struggle than you, you learn grace.” ~ Allison Aars

A few years later I found myself at another crossroads in my life. I had been on the healing path and was working on self-love. In the process, I could see how my codependency had played out in my friendships. I was so desperate for connection that I would literally buy my friends time with money and material things. I would offer to pay for their meals and drinks to convince them to spend more time with me. Or I’d tempt them with elaborate dinners and wine. I was their therapist, cheerleader, friend, entertainer and party planner. I did all of this to keep the friendships going.

When my long-term romantic relationship ended, I needed emotional support. I assumed my closest friends would call me to see if I was okay.

Radio silence.

Not even a text message. Not one person picked up the phone to say hi. I decided to do an experiment. For the first time in my life I just stopped. I quit calling, planning, arranging and reaching out. I decided to step back and allow them to reach out to me for a change. I’d always been the organizer — phoning, arranging, booking, scheduling and even bribing friends to get together and spend time with me.

I was curious and wanted to see who would pick up the reins and schedule a get-together if it wasn’t me doing the work. One month passed, two, three, four, five, six…

Crickets.

It was deeply painful to realize I had chosen to hang out with people who didn’t like or care about me. They liked what I could offer them, which in those days was wine, drugs, food, cigarettes and weekends away. They were only with me for what I could offer them.

Once I saw the truth and allowed myself to feel the pain of that truth, I could let them all go. It was incredibly liberating to not need them anymore. For so many years I had done everything and anything to keep them in my life. I was needy and clingy — I needed them to feel validated. I was finally able to validate myself.

It’s been years now and I am so far away from the people-pleasing person that I was. I see now I was meant to move away from everyone that was not going to walk with me into the next chapter of my life. All those relationships worked beautifully when I was codependent and a people-pleaser. When I stopped drinking and smoking, I was no longer numbing out. I didn’t go to the same places and I did different things in my spare time.

Looking back, I can see how much of my life was spent numb — drinking and smoking. When I got sober, those old connections no longer fitted into the new life I was creating for myself. Now I want to do yoga, hike, meditate and do healthy, life-enhancing things on the weekends. Sobriety had become my new high.

I am grateful for those friendships. They served a purpose for a while and they taught me a painful lesson — one I needed to learn. It is normal to reach a point where you realize that the relationships you have in your life maybe aren’t the right ones anymore, or that the dynamic within those relationships isn’t what you want. A lot of people fell out of my life in a short space of time. It forced me to reflect and to question my role in those relationships. I realized that I had started those friendships when I wasn’t the best version of myself.

I was a people pleaser and I was codependent. I was out of touch with myself and my feelings. I used wine, weed and cigarettes to numb out and focused only on having “fun.” I got overly involved in everyone else’s emotional life but neglected my own. As I started to heal, I finally realized that these were not the types of relationships I wanted.

Just before my “stop reaching out experiment” I called one of my best friends and explained that I was learning about give and take in relationships. Would he work with me to tweak a few things so that our friendship could become more balanced? He said he would think about it and call me back. It’s been six years and I never heard back. A 14 year friendship ended because I was no longer prepared to serve them first. That was when I started choosing me. That was the day I stopped self-abandoning.

I was okay letting the friendship(s) go. I finally felt strong enough in myself to know that I had me. That I was my own best friend. From now on I would be much more discerning about the dynamic of give and take in my relationships.

I also made a point to stop apologizing for everything. As a people-pleaser I would apologize if a stranger bumped into me on the street! If I had an argument with a friend, I said sorry and took the blame in a rush to get things back on track. Even when I had done nothing wrong. I was no longer willing to do that. I had arrived at a place where I wanted honesty, integrity, hard conversations, truth, growth, authenticity.

However, you often meet people at a time in your life when you aren’t healthy and don’t have good boundaries. You end up pleasing people and doing everything for everybody else and leaving nothing for yourself. They end up wanting to be friends with you for all the wrong reasons, which was the hard lesson I had to learn.

Some friends will grow and evolve with you. Others, you will out grow. As you shed the skin of your old self over and over again, you are constantly transforming. You want to surround yourself with people that support you becoming your best self.

Toxic relationships are the ones where there is an unspoken rule that nothing and nobody changes. Toxic friends feel threatened by your growth. As you become healthier you will have stronger boundaries and you will want a balance of give and take. That will not suit a toxic friend! They like you weak and in people-pleasing mode, that way they can control you and get all their needs met.

Take a moment to reflect on your friendships. Notice who is putting much more effort into the relationship. Recognize where you are putting in much more than the other person. See which relationships are 1-sided. If you are pouring in much more than the other person, initiate a conversation. Tell them you are working on your relationships and trying to put in the same amount of effort as you’re getting back.

A good friend will be super supportive and will work with you to balance out the dynamic. A toxic friend may never call you back. This may hurt initially but it opens up space for you to become your own best friend. Learn to choose people who choose you. Choose friends who don’t get jealous but offer genuine support. Friends who give and take. Who ask you how you are and actually listen to the answer. Friends who are going in the same direction as you.

11 Signs your friendship is one-sided:

1. They often put you down — it can be subtle or sneaky but if you tune into your body, you will be very aware of those attacks.

2. They control all aspects of the relationship and are only available when it’s convenient for them.

3. They emotionally dump on you and you feel overly involved in all the details of their life.

4. They regularly cancel on you and let you down.

5. There is no equal give and take — They talk about themselves but never listen to you.

6. Your self-confidence is taking a knock and you feel like you don’t measure up.

7. They are emotionally unavailable and show no empathy.

8. They are not willing to work on the friendship when you bring up important issues.

9. You feel down or drained after spending time with them.

10. They only contact you when they need something from you.

11. You play the role of being a free bank, therapist, babysitter or pet sitter but they don’t do the same for you.

Relationships can be powerful containers for growth and nurturance. They can also be very draining. This is why it is so important to advocate for yourself. Let people know how you really feel and be willing to have the hard conversations. This is what builds real intimacy and creates real friendships that will stand the test of time. Above all, become your own best friend.