The trauma of growing up too fast.

When you were a young child you needed to be just a child. Doing age appropriate things with plenty of time to play, explore, and daydream. Unfortunately, many of us grew up too quickly. We were forced to take on roles that the adults in our lives should have fulfilled. Instead of being soothed, we did the soothing, the cooking, the cleaning, the parenting…

A parentified child becomes a parent to their siblings and in many instances, a parent to their parent/s. This unfolds when one or both parents have an addiction, or if they are neglectful, abusive or absent. Parentification also happens when a child cares for a parent who is chronically ill, has mental health issues or a disability. Instead of being cared for, the child becomes the caretaker.

Parentification often happens in single parent homes when the oldest child takes on the role of the working parent. A son may become the ‘man of the house’ or a daughter takes on the role of ‘mother.’

In a narcissistic family, instead of caring for their children, the narcissist expects to be cared for. They expect their child to meet their emotional and physical needs. The parentified child happily takes on roles they are not mature enough to handle. It gains them connection and attention.

Parentification is the distortion or lack of boundaries between and among family subsystems, such that children take on the roles and responsibilities usually reserved for adults; Boszormenyi-Nagy & Spark, 1973.

What does parentification look like?

– The role of the child gets flipped upside down. Instead of just being a child, a parentified child becomes a substitute spouse, therapist, friend and confidante. The adults and siblings in the family rely on the parentified child for emotional support. However, they do not get emotional support in return. In adulthood, they repeat the pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable friends and partners.

– In a home where there is neglect or abuse, the parentified child takes on the responsibility of caring for the other children, helping them to feel safe.

– A parentified child is often given an excessive amount of chores. They look after their siblings and take care of the housework. They cook dinner for their younger siblings, bath the younger children and put them to bed. They also get their siblings to school and oversee their homework.

– Some parentified children contribute to the household income. They start working below the legal age.

– A parentified child may also take on the caregiving role for a parent that is obese and immobile, disabled, chronically ill, or addicted to drugs and alcohol.

***

Parentified children can seem “cheeky,” precocious and overly mature. They come across as very capable and are therefore given more responsibilities. But they are missing out on important parts of their childhood.

Parentified children are trained to be codependent. They see their narcissistic parent’s reliance on them as a sign that they are loved, reliable and needed. They learn to earn their worth and value by doing for others. In truth, this is a boundary violation. The child is being lumped with burdens and responsibilities that are not theirs to take on. As adults, parentified children often continue the pattern and fall into caretaking roles, believing they need to earn love and approval by working for it.

The parent’s inability or unwillingness to fulfill their duties and responsibilities is deeply traumatizing to a child. The parentified child is robbed of their childhood and is forced to grow up too quickly. They focus on their parent or sibling’s needs at the expense of their own needs. They learn to self-sacrifice and self-abandon as a way to maintain love, safety and connection.

Parentification means your role in the family is reversed and the parentified child is forced to become who they are not. In the process, they shut down who they truly are to take on their designated role (to please the parent). As a parentified child, you don’t learn to be yourself — you learn to take on the role of ‘helper,’ essentially becoming the hired help instead of simply being a child.

Parentification is essentially emotional abuse and exploitation. The parent enjoys free childcare and house-work, amongst other free services. The parent/s opt out of their adult responsibilities and give them to the child. The child is now over-functioning, numbing out and people-pleasing which becomes the child’s programming in adulthood.

The imprint of over-functioning means that the parentified child will continue to over-function at work and in relationships. They will often find themselves over-working and taking on more than their fair share. They feel they always need to be busy and find it hard to relax. They’ve been imprinted with the belief that they always have to be ‘doing’ so they really struggle to just ‘be.’ The limiting belief is ‘I have no value unless I am busy.’

This can look like an adult who spends hours in the kitchen preparing the meal and setting the table. When everyone sits down to eat, they continue serving everyone, grabbing a few bites of their food when they can. After the meal, while everyone else relaxes, they are washing dishes and cleaning up, shooing away any offers of help — feeling more comfortable in the role of dedicated service provider. Now, there is nothing wrong with serving your friends and family — but if you are unable to relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor, then something is out of balance.

The parentified child does not develop a sense of their true self and they become defined by their roles in life. They become the source from which everyone borrows but never puts back. In order to feel loved and validated, the parentified child (who becomes the codependent adult) has to continue doing for others. They grow up to be a human-doing rather than a human-being.

To maintain this role, the parentified child has to suppress their needs. They learn to disconnect from their bodies and their feelings in order to keep everyone else happy.This creates low self-worth and low self-esteem. It is also incredibly stressful. When the parent discusses their financial, work and relationship issues with their child, it overloads the child’s nervous system.

It is traumatizing when adults act like children and expect children to act like adults. The role of a parent is sacred and needs to be honored as such. Your child is not your friend or your therapist — your child is meant to be your child. As a parent, it is your job to parent that child. Even in adulthood, the role of the parent is to be a parent, not a friend.

This lack of boundaries means the parentified child is not valued for being themselves, they are only valued for what they do. They are expected to carry the family which is too much for a child to carry. The parentified child is trained to feel guilty every time they want to take time for themselves. Self-care becomes associated with guilt and shame. Parentified children only learn how to say ‘yes’, they are not able or allowed to say ‘no’. They learn that they are only good when they are compliant, obedient and quiet. They internalize that having no needs earns you love and approval.

Parentified children are also traumatized by being given way too much information about things that don’t concern them (over-sharing by the parent about their sex, emotional or financial life). On the flip side, they’re given too little information about what really matters — life-skills and tools for navigating relationships.

Throughout all of this, the parentified child continues to strive to earn mommy or daddy’s love. Trying harder, doing more, achieving more… but yet they still do not get the love, support and validation they so desperately seek. This sets the parentified child up as an enabler in adulthood. Instead of recognizing imbalances and abuse in relationships, the parentified child doubles down and tries harder to fix, save or heal their partners. Instead of walking away from unhealthy relationships, the parentified child keeps trying to make them better. Once again, they are pouring into an endless pit that never gets filled.

Parentification also complicates sibling relationships in adulthood. Even as an adult, they do more or are seen as ‘the strong one’ so no one ever offers to help or support them. Everyone under functions while they continue to over-function — repeating the same childhood pattern. The parentified child may continue to be the doormat or they may eventually find the strength to break free and say, ENOUGH!

On the up-side, parentified children are resilient survivors. They learn to be super independent and can rely on themselves. On the down side, they learn that it’s safer to depend on themselves — so they don’t know how to get their needs met in healthy relationships. Parentified children are unaware of their own trauma and don’t even realize that they’re being traumatized. They are so focused on everyone else they neglect themselves and their needs.

How can you heal from parentification?

The first step in the healing process is radical acceptance. Coming to terms with the fact that you never had a proper childhood. You need to grieve that loss. Reconnect with your inner child. Recovery also involves re-parenting yourself; learning to self-soothe and self-regulate. Learn what healthy relationships look like. Set boundaries and stop taking on burdens and responsibilities that are not yours to carry.

Deeper healing involves processing numbed out emotions and stored traumas from the body. Releasing anger and resentment toward your parents. Letting go of the guilt associated with taking care of yourself and setting boundaries. Those boundaries may need to be extreme and look like low contact or no-contact. This can feel especially triggering for a parentified child. But it is also the most compassionate thing you can do for your tender heart.

Boundaries will give you the space you need to come to terms with your past. It is helpful to understand your patterns and programming stemming from the dysfunctional parenting you received. The good news is you don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns — they can be released and healed.

Learn to say no, often and frequently. It will feel super uncomfortable the first time you assert yourself but don’t let the discomfort stop you. Once you learn to start saying small no’s, move onto bigger no’s. From there, you can begin to set boundaries in all areas of your life.

Learn to take care of your emotional needs by getting in touch with your feelings. Notice what is happening in your body and start giving yourself what you need throughout the day. It may just be a glass of water or a five-minute break, or a snack. Start there and build. Instead of numbing out, work with a therapist or a coach who can teach you how to self-soothe or self-regulate.

“If you don’t know how to say NO your body will say it for you through physical illness.” ~ Dr. Gabor Maté

Numbing out your feelings and the corresponding sensations in your body was a coping strategy you learned in childhood. This was a survival technique and it kept you safe. However, as an adult, ignoring your body’s cues keeps you stuck in situations that are not good for you. Healing happens when you no longer numb, suppress or push down the feelings and sensations arising in your body. You learn to accept ‘what is’ in each moment.

If someone is being disrespectful, abusive, rude, unpleasant or dishonest, you don’t have to stick around and take it. Emotionally, you begin to understand the consequences of ignoring your body’s cues. Instead of overly focusing on everyone else, have compassion for yourself.

Check in with yourself daily:

What has been showing up for me?

What aches, pains or ailments am I ignoring?

Where am I not feeling good on a daily basis – at work, in my relationships, or any other situation?

Tune in, listen to what your body has to say. When you ignore the messages your body is sending, you risk developing autoimmune diseases, migraines, gut issues and chronic illnesses. It’s your body striving to get your attention! If you haven’t already, give yourself permission to say NO. Remember, a No to someone else is a big, fat YES to you.

As you continue on your healing journey, allow the young child inside of you to come out and play. Go for nature walks, do something creative and fun. What did you used to love doing as a child? Go do more of that!

Resources and further reading:

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life, Patricia Love

Lost Childhoods the Plight of the Parentified Child, Gregory J. Jurkovic

Children of the Self-absorbed a Grown-up’s guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, Nina W. Brown

Self-care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: Honor your Emotions Nurture Yourself and Live with Confidence, Lindsey c. Gibson