How many times in your life have you been left hanging? Suspended in time waiting for love, affection, information, someone to call, message, show up? If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, then I bet more times than you care to remember.

Withholders deliberately dim your light by starving you of what you need… They feed off your anxiety and pain. It makes them feel powerful. By withholding from you they feel they are keeping more for themselves. More power, more authority, more control. Narcissists in particular are withholders. They deliberately hold back an emotional reaction or connection and get a thrill when they feel you wanting more. The narcissist will make a point of withholding something that they know you really, really want. Whether it’s a compliment, sexual intimacy, an engagement ring, a gift or quality time together, they withhold as a form of control.

They will withhold until you’re practically begging to have your needs met. They enjoy the feeling of power your begging gives them. They also enjoy the pain that it causes you that you’re not getting what you want or need.

“Don’t beg for anyone’s attention or time. It should always be given to you willingly.” ~ Unknown

Traditionally, withholding was seen as denying sex or affection from your partner. This is not the same as refraining from sex because you do not feel comfortable doing it. Saying no is a healthy way to set a boundary. It is not the same as withholding as it is not done to punish the other person. Withholding is a toxic, emotional abuse tactic.

Withholding can show up in any type of relationship — you can have a withholding parent, sibling, child, friend, boss or spouse. Withholding manifests in different ways as many things can be withheld — money, affection, time, information, validation, support, praise…

Years ago, I was at a dinner and a guest drank a bit too much wine. Her husband did not approve of her getting tipsy. It was late and she really wanted to go home. I remember watching her beg him to take them home. The more she begged, the longer he took to leave. He continued to make small talk, dragging out their goodbyes and exit as long as possible. She kept pleading with him, “please can we go now?” I could see very clearly that he was punishing her. He was withholding safety, support and comfort. That is not love, it is control.

Withholding is similar to gaslighting as it makes you feel shut out, unimportant, isolated, ignored and disempowered. It is especially damaging because the victim often doesn’t recognize it as a form of abuse. Instead, they believe they are not worthy of getting their needs and desires met. They hand over control to the other person and end up with no personal power. Every act of withholding sends the message,

“You don’t deserve to be treated well. I get to decide when and how much.”

Withholders control the flow of information as well as the tone of a conversation. Excited to catch up with a family member, I’d always end up feeling like I was irritating them, being a pain in the butt or a wasting their time when I called them. The conversation would go something like this:

(Me) “Hello, how are you?”

(Them) “Fine.”

(Me) “How’s work?”

(Them) “Fine.”

(Me) “Any news?”

(Them) “Nah.”

(Me) “Soooo…

They would deliberately withhold about themselves making conversation difficult. They didn’t care about my life either so it’s not as if I could fill in the blanks talking about myself. Before I had cottoned on to what was really going on, I would put in the energy and effort to maintain connection. I’d try and drag out a conversation and communicate with them. Eventually, I just gave up. When they did show up on the other end of the phone, they would be drunk or stoned, repeating the same thing over and over again. Being high is another way of withholding and being emotionally unavailable.

If you are disconnected from yourself or numbed out, you make excuses for the short answers, chronic lateness, long silences or absences. You push down the knots in your stomach and ignore the hollow feelings of disappointment. Instead of recognizing the cold, punishing behavior for what it is — withholding — you double down on your desire for the abuser’s affection. You think to yourself,

“If only I try harder, do better, be more, then they will visit, call, show up and love me…”

Instead of moving away from the cold, withholding behavior, you crave the abuser’s attention even more. Instead of pausing and realizing,

“Hang on, this doesn’t feel good, they are not giving love, they are withholding it.”

Your mind hangs on to the illusion or fantasy of who you want them to be — the brother who supports you, the lover who desires you, the parent who shows up for you, the friend or spouse who has your back.

Granted, every now and then they do throw you a bone. But the moment they see you enjoying the love and attention they are offering, they quickly withdraw it again. Suddenly everything goes silent and your calls and messages go unanswered. You feel like you have done something wrong. Your mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out what you did or didn’t do to push them away. Next time you find yourself on the icy end of someone’s withholding behavior, instead of getting stuck in your head trying to figure it out, get into your body.

Try this simplified technique of Compassionate Enquiry with yourself, as taught by Gabor Mate. Close your eyes. Take a few breaths and feel around for the hollow feeling of their absence or silence in your body. No matter how uncomfortable it is, allow yourself to fully feel the sensation of their withholding in your body. Sit with it. Next, ask yourself, “When did I first feel this feeling?” Allow your body to talk to you through images, memories, feelings or emotions. Notice what comes up for you. Perhaps a memory comes up of your brother letting you down badly, or your mother or father. Perhaps they withheld love, time, information or attention? Maybe it is something else. Sit with it. Ask it what it needs for you.

Sometimes we choose people who represent or feel the same as the people who have wounded us in the past. For example, if the men or women in your family were withholding, and this is an unhealed aspect of your psyche, then when someone shows up in the present who also withholds, you will subconsciously be drawn to them like a moth to a flame. You inner child figures, if I can get this person to stop withholding, then finally, I am worthy of time, attention and love. The trouble is, you are trying to get blood out of a stone.

A withholder will withhold. And it has nothing to do with you. It’s their dysfunctional pattern. It’s what they do and there is nothing you can do to change it. Recognize your attraction to those who are emotionally unavailable. Become emotionally available to yourself, and withdraw from the situation or relationship. You deserve to have people in your life who give generously and abundantly. Someone that gives and then takes away is wounding you.

“Stop letting people who do so little for you, control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions.” ~ Unknown

Here are 6 signs you are dealing with a withholder:

1. At work, a withholding boss or co-worker will refuse to share important information with you so that you appear incompetent.

2. A friend or family member who knows you want more details or are waiting for information will get a kick out of deliberately holding it back.

3. A partner who gives you breadcrumbs of love, time or attention — just enough to keep you hooked but not enough to satisfy your needs. You are always left wanting more. If they know your love language is quality time or affection for example, they will deliberately withhold the very things you crave.

4. They arrive intentionally late or leave intentionally early. They deliberately withhold their presence, knowing it upsets you. They may go to bed early or sleep late to deliberately withhold spending time with you. For example, my ex slept the whole day away on my birthday to intentionally withhold his presence so as to spoil the day for me.

5. You have to contend with hours, days or weeks of silent treatment. They deliberately punish you by refusing to acknowledge you or communicate with you. This annihilates your personhood and is very damaging. (Please note: The silent treatment is not to be confused with going no-contact. Going no-contact is done for self-preservation and safety. Stonewalling and the silent treatment is used to deliberately punish and hurt the other person. It’s all about the intention behind your actions.)

6. They withhold about themselves and their lives— they refuse to share any details about their lives. You get 1-word answers in conversation. They get off on keeping you hanging — they give vague answers and won’t commit to plans. They may also get drunk or high so they are emotionally absent or emotionally unavailable during the visit or conversation. They are there physically but not emotionally.

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If you are experiencing these behaviors in your relationship/s, you may want to take a step back and gain clarity. Emotional withholding is a weapon used by the abuser to maintain control over you. You will find yourself constantly pursuing the affection, time or support of your partner, friend, sibling or parent. You will always be trying to prove you’re good enough. They will always be trying to prove that you are not. This is a no win situation. You will never be able to get your needs met in healthy ways with a withholder.

“Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare.” ~ Brené Brown

This push-pull dynamic often replicates childhood trauma. If you had a withholding, rejecting, or absent parent, it feels normal to have to pursue or earn love, rather than having it freely given.

Check in with yourself:

1. How generous are they to me? Is there an equal exchange of give and take?

2. How invested are they in my well-being? Do they make me feel good or not enough?

3. Are they maintaining the upper hand by ensuring that I continue to seek their approval? Emotional withholding is a tool to keep the balance of power in their favor. They give you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you wanting more, which keeps you trapped in pursuit.

4. Are my needs being met? Am I emotionally satisfied? How often am I sated, versus starving? If you feel like you’re not getting any emotional nutrients, it suggests that the other person is emotionally unavailable. They are using withholding to maintain a dynamic that serves them but not you. This dynamic is very damaging to your self-esteem. You will constantly feel not good enough.

If this is you, please get out of the relationship sooner rather than later. Take back your power. Realize that there is nothing wrong with you — you are trying to get something from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it to you. Unfortunately, abusers rarely change and they often get worse. You deserve love to be given to you feely, abundantly and consistently. Yes, it’s hard to let go, but you deserve better. You deserve to be loved wholeheartedly.