If it doesn’t feel like love, it isn’t love.

The day my divorce was finalized, I picked up the phone to wish a close family member a happy birthday. I had been vulnerable enough with them to share that I’d had a brief but difficult marriage and was getting a divorce.

After wishing them a happy birthday, I told them the news: My divorce was finally over.

Their response?

“What? Were you married?”

The penny dropped.

They were intentionally invalidating me and my experience. Instead of taking the bait, I calmly said, “Yes, I told you.”

I did not argue, I did not try and explain. I let the call end and then I sobbed for two days afterward. In my grief, I finally let go of the illusion of who they were and I saw them for exactly who they are.

I was no longer going to put myself in situations where they could hurt me. They had done this to me my entire life and I had ignored it. I was finally able to see that being negative and invalidating was their default setting. This comment was the metaphorical straw that broke the camel’s back. I finally let the relationship go. I had been in a trauma-bond with this person my whole life. The fact that their birthday was on the same day as my divorce felt like a heaven-sent synchronicity. I was meant to see the parallels.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That’s why it’s important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” ~ Maya Angelou

A trauma bond is an abusive relationship that you consciously or unconsciously choose to stay in. The relationship dynamic is characterized by intermittent reinforcement. Cycles of abuse are followed by cycles of love and reward. The good times are so GOOD.

Unfortunately, they don’t last.

Affection, time, loyalty and love are given inconsistently. Love and attention are given, then suddenly withdrawn. The person blows hot and cold. Nasty then nice. Available then AWOL. Loving then hateful. It’s dizzying.

This push-pull dynamic creates a powerful emotional bond that is hard to break.

Why?

The recurring periods of reward keep you suspended in a state of constantly waiting for your ‘reward’ after the abuse. After criticizing, verbally abusing or insulting you, your abuser suddenly acts nice again. To see the amazing person you fell in love with ‘return’, sends powerful chemicals flooding into your body. You get a dopamine hit. Suddenly you feel calm, peaceful and loved.

After a cycle of abuse, everything returns to normal. You convince yourself it will stay this way. Over time, your body adapts to this emotional rollercoaster: Feel shit, get dopamine hit, feel good, rinse and repeat.

The person who makes you feel bad also has the power to make you feel amazing. They literally become your drug and you will do anything to get your hit. It could be a little girl or boy trying to please mommy or daddy, or it could be you trying to please your romantic partner. Trouble is, your parent or lover is actually an abuser.

Atrauma bond does not develop overnight. It develops over time and has three distinct phases. This 3-step process cycles throughout the relationship. As the abuse escalates, the time frame between ‘nasty and nice’ gets shorter and shorter. The tension builds toward the final discard. Because you are unaware of what is really going on, instead of recognizing how badly you are being treated, and getting out of the relationship, you keep moving back towards your abuser.

You hope that this time they’ll finally get how much you mean to them. You convince yourself they were just going through a ‘phase.’ This time, they will stay “nice”. but they never do… after a while the devaluing starts up again… building to the discard and so on and so on until you finally break the cycle. Or get discarded for good.

Here are the three stages of the abuse cycle:

Stage 1: Love-bombing

They shower you with love, attention, flattery, favors and gifts. They do everything to win your trust. It’s during this initial phase that you get used to lots of text messages. They are connected to you 24/7. You are in heaven because you feel fully seen and heard.

You are programmed to expect a call or message from them at certain times. Just like Pavolv’s dog salivating when it hears the bell, the ping of your phone causes excitement and anticipation. Your body gets used to the high of getting those messages regularly and on time.

Similarly, a parent may mete out praise or gifts. Showering little Johnny with love and affection and putting him on a high.

You are loved, seen and validated and it feels so good.

Stage 2: Devaluation

Once they’ve earned your trust during the love-bombing stage, (if it’s a parent they may love-bomb you when they want something from you) they begin to devalue you. This usually starts with little put downs and subtle criticisms. Gaslighting causes you to doubt your perception of reality. They manipulate you and generously use fear, guilt, anger, shame and denial to keep you in line.

Suddenly your cellphone stops pinging — they withdraw and withhold.

They may use negative reinforcement to control what you wear, watch, eat and do. They have you walking on eggshells. All you can think about is getting back to the good feelings you experienced in stage 1. To do this, you give in and do things exactly as they like them to be done.

If you had a narcissistic parent in childhood, then you have been groomed for this role. Your people-pleasing skills will kick in and your lack of self-worth will allow you to put your needs on the back burner. You tolerate the abuse because the relationship dynamic feels familiar and therefore normal.

As the abuse gets worse, you begin to lose yourself. Asserting yourself or pushing back results in anger, aggression and coercion. It’s easier to simply comply as you wait for the storm to blow over.

Which it does.

When they feel you’ve been punished enough, they will suddenly act loving and attentive again. They have ‘gotten over it’ and so should you.

Feel-good chemicals and neuropeptides flood your body and you are on a high again.

“Yes, they do love me!”

You just got your hit of dopamine and you feel great again. Back to stage 1.

After a while, you become addicted to the highs and lows. Your body is in a constant state of stress. Cortisol is flooding your system and it craves dopamine, the pleasure hormone. This creates a cycle of dependency, very similar to drug addiction.

Stage 3: The discard

As with all toxic relationships, you will eventually be discarded once the abuser is done with you — either physically, emotionally, financially, sexually or all of the above. It will be done coldly, suddenly and without conscience.

Unless you break the cycle first.

Either way, you will need to go through the pain of withdrawal and go cold turkey in order to heal.

After going no-contact, every time you reach back out to the abuser, you allow them to hurt you again. You are not opening the door to love and connection, you are simply opening it to pain. They will continue to toy with you and your emotions.

I decided to break no-contact and gotten bitten.

After five years of no-contact I reached out to a family member. I was hoping that we could resolve the past and move forward in a healthier way. It took only three phone calls for me to realize that they were back to their old tricks. There was no desire to repair the relationship. All I had done was make myself available for the same old, same old.

Despite it hurting all over again, the pain of breaking no-contact was a gift. It confirmed that I had judged the situation correctly and that no-contact was the right decision. The nagging doubt evaporated which was very freeing. If you do break no-contact, do it with eyes wide open and use it as data to inform your choices.

Remember, THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

Here are 6 signs that it is a trauma bond:

1. Your relationship is characterized by repeating cycles of abuse.

Their attitude towards you changes on a daily basis. You blame the abuse on a “bad day” or something you did or didn’t do. They are nice, then nasty, nice, then nasty, constantly threatening to leave the relationship. Notice the pattern.

2. You justify the abuse.

There are obvious signs of abuse and manipulation but you are in denial. You only see what you want to see. You buy into the fantasy or illusion of who they are instead of who they really are. They have a character flaw or even a full-blown personality disorder, yet you convince yourself that they are the perfect spouse, friend, sibling, partner, parent etc.

They constantly betray and hurt you, yet you still give them another chance. What makes the betrayal so painful is that it’s coming from someone you trust and love. Blind trust and blind loyalty are destructive. You end up betraying yourself to gain love and connection. The relationship becomes unhealthy.

I had a family member pull a knife on me when I was a teenager. It took a lifetime to finally be able to see their true character. For years I had put them on a pedestal, casting them as someone they were not. I was metaphorically stabbed in the back by them a few more times before I could see what I didn’t want to see. We are programmed to turn a blind eye to abuse when it happens within the family. As Iyanla Vanzant said in an episode of Fix my Life, “family doesn’t get a pass on abuse.”

Why do we make excuses for family members and those closest to us? Abuse is abuse. It should not be minimized or euphemized when it comes from a family member. There is one set of Universal Laws, and family members are not exempt from them. An abuser is an abuser no matter who they are.

If they are abusive, they are an abuser. Period. Recognize them for who they truly are — not the idea of who you think they should be. By seeing the truth of their character, no matter how disappointing or painful that may be, you can put boundaries in place to keep yourself safe.

It is devastating to realize that your sibling, parent or spouse is not the loving, supportive person you imagine them to be. But holding onto false hope is simply going to keep you in harm’s way.

3. The relationship feels very intense, unpredictable and inconsistent.

You are constantly on edge monitoring their every move for signs of danger. One wrong move and it’s back to stage 2 — devaluation. You are living on a knife’s edge between feeling wanted and feeling discarded. You feel responsible for their moods and happiness. You sacrifice yourself to make the relationship work.

It’s all about them.

4. It feels impossible to leave and you feel you can’t take care of yourself on your own.

Another sign of a trauma bond is a feeling of dependence on your abuser. You feel anxiety or emptiness when they are not around. When you do try and leave, after a few hours or a day, you start missing them. Your mind plays tricks on you and convinces you that you have read them wrong. You convince yourself that they do love you and they will change.

It takes on average 7 attempts before finally disentangling from a trauma bond.

One moment you feel strong and totally able to leave the relationship. The next, you feel you can’t live without them. Your body has become chemically addicted to the highs and lows. When you are in a low, your body craves the ‘reward’ of intermittent reinforcement. You want to rush back and make it work. A great book to read to understand this chemical addiction more deeply is Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D.

5. You see yourself as their carer, healer or protector.

They’ve had a difficult past so you excuse their bad behavior because of the abuse they have suffered. You feel sorry for them and believe they need your love and devotion to become whole.

No, they do not.

You need your love and devotion to become whole.

You’ve probably also had a difficult, challenging or abusive past. Do you deliberately hurt and abuse your partner?

No, I didn’t think so.

The choice to abuse is an issue of character. It is a choice.

6. Your body is breaking down.

With cortisol flooding your system on a daily basis you become vulnerable to auto-immune disorders. Migraines, anxiety, depression and gut issues are also a sign you are in a vampirical relationship.

When I was in a long-term trauma bond with a narcissist, I was diagnosed with RA, celiac disease, anxiety, depression and chronic migraines. Now that I am out of those relationships and on the healing path, my RA is in remission, my gluten allergy is under control, my migraines have vanished and I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life.

I’ve gone from hobbling around on a crutch to trail running!

You can be free too.

The only way to break the trauma bond is to say to yourself “no more!” and go no-contact. Emotional abuse is sneaky and covert. It hides in the shadows. It invalidates, criticizes, counters and compares. It is not love — it is violence. The only way to protect yourself is to remove yourself from harm’s way and have rock solid boundaries.

The first step is recognizing that the relationship is hurting you more than helping you. The hardest part of leaving is accepting this painful truth. Once you see the person for who they really are and accept that they will never change, the decision to leave is made.

It’s just a matter of how and when.

REFERENCES AND FURTHER READING

Molecules of Emotion by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D.

Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on the Invisible War Zone, Arabi, S (2019).

When the body says no: The cost of hidden stress by Gabor Maté

Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Walker, P. (2013), Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.

Power: Surviving and Thriving after Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi

Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life by Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.