7 tips to help you stop trusting the wrong people.

In my coaching practice different themes show up. When they repeat, they catch my attention. One such pattern is the trauma that arises from trusting the wrong people. It could be a narcissistic romantic partner, a charismatic business partner, a dishonest family member, a convincing estate agent, a friend or anyone you trusted had your best interests at heart. Trouble is, they didn’t and you got duped.

This type of betrayal cuts deep and it leaves a wound on your psyche. You lose your ability to trust people and more devastatingly, you stop trusting yourself. Unfortunately the world is full of manipulators, cheaters, fakers and liars. The trick is to discern who is trustworthy and who is not. In hindsight, when you look back on your life, you see that the red flags were there all along. Instead of pausing and paying attention, you chose to override them. Your lack of boundaries or your need for external validation got in the way.

Manipulators use flattery as a way to build fake trust. If your self-worth is low, you will be more vulnerable to this type of attention. It will feel intoxicating and you may drop your guard. Untrustworthy people are also adept at spotting your weak points. They tell you exactly what you want to hear and before you know it, you’re hooked. Manipulators also carefully observe what you say and do. They mirror exactly the same back to you. They will even downright lie as they pretend to be “just like you.”

Perhaps you trust people too easily? You assume they have the same values as you. You wholeheartedly believe what people say and (naively) trust that they are who they say they are. If you have a codependent attachment style, then you go into denial and block out the truth of the situation, choosing to focus on the potential or the fantasy.

Another trait that can cause you to trust the wrong people is engaging in premature emotional bonding. Rushing into relationships creates a fake sense of intimacy. Narcissists in particular use this tactic in the love bombing stage to hook you in quickly. You fall in love with, or trust someone who does not exist. You are falling for the mask they are projecting.

So what does this all have to do with a cat?

About a year ago this black cat started to show up at my door. It would peek inside and when I approached it, it would run away. Slowly over time, as trust started to build, it would come inside and walk around. Then it let me briefly scratch its head before running away again. I realized it was starving and I began to feed it. Even while it was eating, it was skittish and would run away if I moved around or made any sudden movements. As the weeks passed, the cat began to relax, even allowing me to pet it. It became more and more trusting, more and more open. A year later and it lies on its back, belly exposed, totally trusting as I lovingly pet and adore it.

As I reflected on my deepening relationship with this stray cat, I realized what a powerful lesson it had taught me. It did not rush into my house or my life, it did not immediately become my best friend. It held back, it took its time. It built trust between the two of us slowly, one day at a time. It paced the relationship according to its own feelings of safety. This is how healthy relationships are built.

“Slowing down is a power move.” ~ Amy Cuddy

Trust is earned. Loyalty is earned. The cat patiently waited to see if I was as kind as I was projecting myself to be. The cat did not just give those two things — trust and loyalty — to me. I had to earn them.

I can see how in the past I had blindly trusted people. I had been blindly loyal to them without vetting them properly. Unlike the cat, I had walked into the house or the relationship assuming it was safe. I had assumed the people were trustworthy. I had let down my guard too soon. Unlike the cat, I was disconnected from myself and not listening to my intuition. Rather, I was focused on pleasing the other person and getting their approval. The cat was totally focused on its own feelings of safety. It did not need my approval.

The cat mirrored to me the correct way to approach new people and situations. Show up, be open and curious. Be spontaneous. Participate, explore, have fun. Take your time, feel out the vibe, notice if the behavior is consistent or chaotic. There is no rush. As you recognize that you feel safe, open up a little more. Share a bit more of yourself. Allow emotional intimacy to evolve over time.

During the slow dance of building trust, friendship, intimacy and companionship, you will feel your heart start to open and expand. You will feel what real love feels like. You will notice a lightness in your step, feel the urge to dance or laugh out loud and be overtaken by the sudden need to hug the creature of your affection.

Love, trust, loyalty and true friendship are here for you, the secret is to slow down and take your time. Be present in each moment instead of trying to get to some imagined finish line. Not all relationships follow a straight line. Sometimes a person or an animal comes into your life briefly and then they exit. Allow the natural flow of relationships in and out of your life. Don’t try to cling too tight or control the outcome. Stay present in your own body and be aware of what feels safe and what does not.

Here are 7 tips to help you discern who is trustworthy and who is not:

1. If you consistently trust the wrong people, SLOW DOWN. Review and assess the person and the situation, take a step back.

2. Ask yourself, “Do they remind me of someone from my past?” This is a powerful question and has saved me from going down yet another blind alley!

3. Do I feel safe or on edge? Be especially mindful of instant sexual chemistry.

4. Does this situation remind me of a similar mistake I made in the past?

5. Are there red flags? List off the things that bother you so you are not tempted to ignore them.

6. How does my gut feel? Is it a yes or a no? If you are unsure, this is just as important as a ‘no’.

7. Ask yourself, “If I go ahead and end up making a misjudgment, what will be the consequences? Can I live with them?”

Ideally, your inner voice is loud and clear and your internal guidance system is accurate and reliable. However, many of us were trained in childhood to ignore our inner voice. It was not safe to have needs and to speak up when something was wrong. As an adult, you do not hear your inner voice saying, “NO!” This is why it is so important to tune into your body. Notice the feelings and sensations that arise after interacting with certain people. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Develop your self-confidence and reconnect to yourself so that you are guided by the voice of your soul.

And remember the lessons from my cat:

1. Be skittish at first.
2. Become cautiously optimistic
3. If it feels consistently safe over time, open up a little more.
4. Feel the love.