If you notice these signs of emotional abuse, run.

I recently met someone who was funny, smart and super fun to be around. The conversation flowed and it seemed like we could talk for hours about anything. I was charmed to say the least. But then something shifted.

After our third conversation, as I came off the call, I realized I didn’t feel so good. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it felt like I had a heaviness in my aura. I felt drained. As a coach who teaches somatic bodywork, I’m super tuned into the subtle sensations in my body. So I decided to practice what I preach and I tuned into what my body had to say.

I sat for a while, got still and allowed myself to fully feel the heaviness. While doing so, I allowed whatever wanted to come up to come up. What arose in my mind’s eye were flashes of the conversation I’d just had. In these flashes, I saw how the other person had ‘negged’ me several times. As I realized what had just happened, I was taken aback at how subtle and sneaky emotional abuse can be.

This is why it is so important to be in touch with the cues you get from your body. It is a powerful oracle and it acts as the bridge for your intuition. By noticing the heaviness and taking the time to get curious about it, I learned valuable information about the other person’s character. In the past, I had ignored these cues and found myself staying in abusive or narcissistic relationships. Now, I notice how I truly feel around people.

What this person doesn’t know is that I have read The Game by Neil Strauss. I am familiar with the pick-up tactics insecure men, who have also read the book, use to try and punch above their weight. The tactic for which The Game became especially famous, was the art of “negging.” Men are trained to give a woman backhanded compliments so as to deliberately lower her self-esteem. By subtly insulting her, they make her want their approval, which then makes her more vulnerable to their advances. It’s psychological manipulation at its finest.

This tactic works especially well on women who have “daddy issues” and have an unhealed father wound. The negger represents the abusive, absent or emotionally distant male figure she is familiar with. The putdowns trigger her into wanting to earn a man’s (daddy’s) love. Instead of recognizing the shitty behavior for what it is, she tries to win his approval. This unconscious desire to repeat the past is known as repetition compulsion. Once again, a woman finds herself drawn towards a painful or destructive relationship. This is why self-awareness is so important. It’s a powerful tool to help you recognize and break the cycle of abuse.

Whether he’s just an insecure guy trying to win at the dating game or a genuine psychopath, I am not hanging around to find out! However, if I find myself in a similar situation again, I am calling that behavior out on the spot.

He was a weak man. The sort who needed to crush a woman in order to feel powerful. — John Mark Green

Over time, negging can seriously damage your self-esteem and change the way you show up in relationships. It can also spiral into severe physical, emotional and narcissistic abuse. It can come from anyone — your boss, a parent, spouse, sibling, friend… No matter who you are and who is doing the negging, it’s not okay and you don’t have to put up with it.

Here are 9 signs to look out for:

1. The backhanded compliment. They get you feeling good and then they knock you down. It’s a trap. They’ll say something like, “wow, you looked so great the other day when you took off your mask. Your profile pic doesn’t suit the work you do.” You’re left wondering what the hell that even means. Do they think I look good or like shit? Secure people don’t throw you off balance like this.

2. They innocently hide insults inside of questions. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you sure you are ready to take on a more senior role?”

3. They claim they are, “only joking.” If it doesn’t feel good and you are not laughing along, it ain’t funny. It’s a sneaky insult.

4. They invalidate your experiences, opinions or feelings. For example, they will ask for your advice, then immediately shoot down all of your suggestions. In narcissistic relationships, this is called countering. The narcissist counters everything you say. It is exhausting. Disengage and don’t play the game. They also invalidate you by telling you you are being too sensitive when you call them out on their bullshit.

5. They compare you to other people in order to highlight your shortcomings and to make you feel less than. “You look beautiful but you would look even more beautiful if you wore less makeup, like my sister.

6. They offer unsolicited advice disguised as constructive criticism. In truth, they deliberately say something hurtful. “I love your new photos but they don’t suit your industry and look nothing like you.” Whaaat?!

7. They always one-up you. You tell them about an experience you had and they immediately cut you off with their story, that’s supposedly much more dramatic than yours.

8. They always play the victim. The moment you voice a concern, they turn it around and make you wrong. Every. Single. Time. The ‘woe is me’ ruse is how they redirect attention away from their manipulative behavior.

9. You don’t feel good after the interaction or conversation. You doubt yourself and question yourself. They drew your attention to a perceived flaw and now you are obsessing about it. Big red flag.

Negging and emotional abuse does not happen by accident. It is deliberate and calculated. Abusers will show no remorse and will deny or minimize your hurt feelings. They have no intention of changing and if you hang around, the abuse and criticism will continue to escalate.

It’s better to distance yourself and surround yourself with healthy, positive people. “Neggars” are insecure and toxic and nothing you do or say will turn them into better people.

You deserve more.