Self-betrayal is a coping mechanism adopted in childhood. In adulthood, self-betrayal hooks you into toxic relationships and situations.
If you were neglected or abused in childhood, or raised in a home where your emotional needs were not met, there’s a good chance you adapted your behavior to survive. Instead of taking care of your emotional needs, you probably became hyper aware of the emotional states of others. By attempting to keep the adults around you “happy”, you created a sense of safety for yourself.
Perhaps you tiptoed around the house, quietly opening doors or closing drawers, terrified of making a noise or waking your parents up. Maybe you made yourself scarce by locking yourself away in your bedroom, or spending as much time as possible at your friends’ houses. You may have obsessively cleaned your bedroom or the house to help create a sense of order and safety. Maybe you escaped into addiction or developed an eating disorder or other mental health issues as a way of numbing out your true feelings.
What makes these adaptive behaviors so damaging, is that they set you up to have a high tolerance for abuse in adulthood. Instead of recognizing abuse for what it is and exiting the relationship or situation, you either don’t recognize you are being abused or you adopt the fawn response. You learn to behave in ways that keep you connected to the abusive person or situation. Instead of recognizing that This Is Not Safe, you deny, adapt or ignore reality in order to maintain the status quo.
“The trauma-based codependent learns to fawn very early in life in a process that might look something like this: as a toddler, she learns quickly that protesting abuse leads to even more frightening parental retaliation, and so she relinquishes the fight response, deleting “no” from her vocabulary and never developing the language skills of healthy assertiveness.
(Sadly, many abusive parents reserve their most harsh punishments for “talking back”, and hence ruthlessly extinguish the fight response in the child.)” ~ Pete Walker, M.A., MFT.
Manipulative, abusive and narcissistic people detect this people-pleasing trait. They love-bomb you and take advantage of your need to feel validated, seen and heard. As soon as they have your trust, they start treating you badly. Little by little pushing your boundaries to see what they can get away with. Instead of recognizing the red flags, you find yourself in the same movie, reenacting the drama from your past. Different characters, same storyline: Betrayal, abuse and abandonment.
Having one or more narcissistic parents can set you up for future patterns of betrayal in your relationships. If all you have ever known is betrayal, then those are the dynamics that are going to feel familiar to you. Humans are wired to gravitate towards what feels familiar, even if what’s familiar is abusive. Instinctively, your nervous system thinks, “Ah! I’ve been down this road before and survived, therefore I’ll survive it again.” This old dynamic feels safer than the unfamiliar feeling of real love and safety. Ironically, real love and safety feels foreign and therefore, “scary.”
If you had a narcissistic parent, you were born into an environment where your needs and feelings didn’t matter. You were born to serve the needs of the narcissistic parent. Your sense of self was obliterated. You became an object that had to behave according to the will and laws of the narcissist. If you didn’t, you were punished. The narcissist puts on a show in public, acting like the perfect parent. Back home, when no one is looking, they betray your trust with physical and emotional acts of violence and cruelty.
The only way you can survive the onslaught in childhood is to shut down your body and feelings. You numb out the truth and adapt your behavior to create safety. Dissociating by ‘living in your head,’ helps you to forget and even make excuses for the abuse and betrayal.
Your denial of reality keeps you safe in childhood but in adulthood, it becomes an act of self-betrayal. Denying reality keeps you hooked into toxic relationships. You buy into the illusion that the abuser (or betrayer) will change. They don’t. In fact, they get worse, pushing and stretching your boundaries to breaking point.
The dictionary describes betrayal as treachery and disloyalty. When you are betrayed, your trust is violated. Betrayal is the breaking of an unspoken contract of trust or confidence. Betrayal changes you and the dynamic of the relationship forever. What makes betrayal so painful is the realization that you have been intentionally harmed, either by actions or omissions. You’ve been wounded by someone you trusted. Betrayal leaves an invisible scar on your psyche that can take a lifetime to heal.
“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” ~ Author Unknown
According to Heba Essawy, MD, Professor of Psychiatry at Ain Shams Medical School, there are five categories of betrayal:
1. Disclosures of confidential information.
2. Disloyalty.
3. Infidelity.
4. Dishonesty.
5. Failures to offer expected assistance during significant times of need.
In studying the Psychology of Betrayal, Heba Essawy, MD states that betrayal leads to the PTSD-like symptoms. It also leads to anxiety, avoidance, OCD and low self-worth. Betrayal breaches the bonds of trust, creating a permanent barrier to connection. Betrayal leads to trauma. “Trauma with high-betrayal was the largest contributor of borderline traits. Trauma with medium-betrayal was the largest contributor of paranoid traits.”
Trauma and betrayal in childhood breaks the bonds of connection and attachment. Neglected and abused children grow up not knowing how to connect with others. This negatively impacts their ability to create and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood. If you’ve grown up feeling unwanted and unloved, you are wired differently. Childhood trauma affects the development of the brain, leading to Complex-PTSD.
Healing begins when you become aware of the traits and behaviors within yourself that are maladaptive. Until you recognize them and do the inner work to heal them, the patterns of self-betrayal (and betrayal) will continue to repeat. This repeating pattern (repetition compulsion), keeps you stuck in toxic and abusive relationships that mimic the trauma bonds from childhood.
Betrayal Trauma is trauma involving the violation of the trust necessary for survival, for example, between a caregiver and a child (Freyd, 1996). The Betrayal Trauma Theory proposes that as a coping mechanism for survival, the child (and later the adult) undergoes traumatic amnesia. By “forgetting” the abusive behavior, the individual is able to maintain the relationship which is perceived as essential for survival. A child needs their parents to survive, so they adapt to the abuse (and betrayal) in order to stay alive. This sets the child up to have a high tolerance for abuse in adulthood.
Narcissistic abuse chips away at your self-worth. It creates an illusion of dependence on the abuser for survival. You stay because you don’t believe you can stand on your own two feet. You see your abuser as your savior. The abuser uses intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked. This is what constitutes a trauma bond, often mimicking the bond you had with a primary caregiver in childhood.
Betrayal is represented by the Ten of Swords in the Tarot. 10 swords are sticking out of the character’s back while he lies helplessly on the ground. Defeated, hurt and betrayed, the character has hit rock bottom. The Ten of Swords appears in a Tarot reading when a relationship has ended in the cruelest way possible. You have been betrayed by someone you loved. The betrayal changes you. You lose your ability to trust yourself, and others.
“Rock bottom became the foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” ~ JK Rowling
However, there is a gift inherent in the wisdom of the Ten of Swords. The promise of a new dawn is represented by the golden light breaking on the horizon, as seen beyond the ten swords. If you are willing to listen to what your pain is trying to tell you, you can avoid repeating the cycles of abuse and betrayal in your life. Firstly, you realize that it is not about you. Rather, the acts of betrayal are a reflection of a flaw in the betrayer’s character. Secondly, you learn that “this is not just how life is.” You can do better.
Humans can be really shitty at times.
Someone who worked for me betrayed my trust by stealing from me. My body was telling me they were not to be trusted. But in those days, I was disconnected from my body… and from gut instinct.
Looking back, I can see how I pushed down the intense feelings of resistance I felt in her presence. I started dreading the days she showed up to work. Red flag. I felt super uncomfortable in my own home. Red flag. This was a reenactment of my childhood discomfort. Feeling uncomfortable in my own home and being betrayed by someone close.
Betrayal shows up in so many different ways. Lying, infidelity, being placed in harms way, being stolen from. When a narcissist love bombs you and pretends to be who they are not.
As a Soul Realignment™ practitioner, who works with the Akashic Records, I’ve been trained to look for patterns. Patterns repeat when we don’t learn the lesson. We keep making the same choices. We keep choosing the same types of people.
My life experiences and relationships were mirroring betrayal to me over and over again because I was betraying myself over and over again.
What happened to you in childhood is not your fault. However, as an adult, it is your responsibility to heal the dysfunctional repeating patterns in your life. Have the courage to look deeply at yourself, question your thoughts, beliefs and actions. Notice how you are enabling people and behaviors. Why do you keep opening the door to what isn’t good for you? Why are you blindly trusting people before they have earned it?
I had to recognize that I was betraying myself by repeatedly putting myself into dangerous situations. I was not making good life choices. I was not protecting my myself. I was not choosing safe people. I was rushing into relationships and attaching to people too quickly. I was buying into the fantasy and ignoring the barbs. Never underestimate the power of denial.
So, how do you betray yourself?
You betray yourself when you make choices that negatively impact and hurt you. For example, ignoring red flags, tolerating rude or obnoxious behavior, not asking for a raise. You don’t advocate for yourself or act in your own best interests.
Self-betrayal causes cognitive dissonance. This is when your heart and your head are saying different things. This creates inner conflict which is an invitation to address the issue that is out of alignment. If you are numbing out your feelings and denying reality, you don’t address the conflict. You keep trying to block it out. So your body ramps it up to get your attention. Anxiety is a call to action. If you are experiencing intense anxiety, there’s a good chance that you are betraying yourself in some way. Your anxiety is alerting you to the fact. It is a messenger.
Your higher self knows that something or someone is not serving you. Your ego may be trying to convince you otherwise. The moment you let go of the idea, person, job, relationship, habit or thing that is causing the inner conflict, the anxiety vanishes. The trouble is, self-betrayal makes it very hard to let go of what is hurting your heart and soul.
What does self-betrayal look like?
Staying in an abusive relationship, whether it’s with a parent, sibling, boss, lover, friend or spouse is an act of self-betrayal. You override your instincts and buy into the idea that ‘this time it will be different’. Instead of trusting yourself and seeing the person for who they truly are, you doubt yourself. You hope that you are wrong. In the hoping, you continue to put yourself in situations in which you get hurt.
“If you want to predict future behavior, look at past behavior.” ~ Author Unknown
As a recovering codependent who has been the victim of narcissistic abuse, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned is this: If they have done it once, they will do it again. Do not make excuses for them — they have just shown you who they really are.
You betray yourself when you don’t have boundaries. Boundaries let others know, this is what I will accept and this is what I won’t accept. When you don’t have boundaries, it’s open sesame.
Self-betrayal also looks like:
1. Expecting people to change when they have shown you over and over again who they are
2. saying yes when you mean no
3. Agreeing to things you don’t want to do
4. Allowing yourself to be manipulated through guilt, fear or obligation
5. Having sex when you don’t want to and ‘leaving your body’ in order to endure it
6. Drinking more than you should and compromising your health and safety
7. Not speaking up when someone insults you or cuts in front of you
8. Feeling too scared to speak up because of how that might “look”
9. Not getting yourself appropriate medical attention.
10. Self-sacrificing to avoid the feeling of disapproval
11. Saying you are fine when you really need support
12. Sabotaging yourself by always showing up late
13. Staying in a relationship that is toxic or abusive
14. Ignoring the red flags and denying reality
15.Dating an addict believing you can fix or heal them
16. Going back to an ex who treated you badly
17. Going back to any relationship that didn’t work out (without both of you having done the transformative work necessary to make it healthy.)
“When people show you who they are, believe them.” ~ Maya Angelou
The throat chakra represents authentic self-expression. Imbalances in the fifth chakra are often present when you are not being true to yourself. If you are betraying yourself, then you are not speaking up for yourself, expressing your needs, sharing your opinions or honoring your true feelings. If this is you, ask yourself:
Why do I not feel safe to be myself?
When did it stop feeling safe to be myself?
How have I adapted to feel safe?
How do I serve others and self-sacrifice to feel safe and not be abandoned?
In the same way that betrayal shows up as a mirror of self-betrayal, abandonment by others can be mirroring to you that you are abandoning yourself. Needing others to love you in order to feel lovable should never be your sole supply of self-love.
I was listening to a podcast by Marie Forleo describing herself as a “professional disappointer.” I found the concept extremely empowering. It’s a great way to avoid self-betrayal! As a professional disappointer, you only say ‘yes’ to the things that feel good and support where you are headed. Everything else is a no. You stop betraying yourself to please others.
You also betray yourself when you consciously make bad choices knowing they are bad choices, “I know this isn’t good for me but I’m going to do it anyway…” “But it’s what I’ve always done…” Why do it? If it isn’t nourishing and supportive, it’s not good for you. Period. No ifs or buts about it.
So how do you stop betraying yourself and stop attracting people who betray you?
1. Have strong boundaries
2. Honor the wisdom of your body and pay attention to your feelings
3. In any given moment, know what you need and give that to yourself.
The thing is, there will always be betrayers. They are everywhere! But when you develop healthy boundaries, they won’t have the opportunity to betray you. Strong boundaries will keep you safe and betrayal free.
Breaking the cycle of self-betrayal is not easy, especially when it has been a coping mechanism for most of your life. You are going to have to learn to lean into the feelings of discomfort when you perceive you have displeased someone with a boundary or a ‘no.’
Breaking the cycle is about gaining self-love and self-worth. Know your value and what you deserve. Do not numb out your pain, rather learn to get your needs met in healthy ways.
The secret is to become aware of what is going on in your body. Become mindful of how your body responds to certain people and situations. Don’t override the feelings of resistance in your body.
If you are healing from PTSD or CPTSD, then your nervous system is going to be dysregulated. You may be perceiving threats where none exist. It’s important to learn how to self-regulate and calm your system down before reacting to the fight or flight stress response. Before blocking or cutting someone out of your life, take a step back. Take deep breaths, take all the time you need to come out of the trigger or the flashback.
Once you are regulated and calm, notice if their actions, words or energy still feel unsafe. Your physical and emotional safety is always your priority. But you want to make sure that you are reading reality accurately, and not projecting past trauma onto the other person. If you are still feeling anxious, or are getting physical symptoms like headaches or stomach aches, then you really need to be honest with yourself about the true nature of the relationship. Your body may be alerting you that it does not feel safe.
Through doing the inner work, by loving and respecting yourself and your needs, you learn to put firmer boundaries in place. And you disconnect from the relationship or situation if it is toxic. And without the guilt.
As you heal, you will gravitate towards healthier people. Toxic people and their drama will no longer hold the appeal they once did. You will choose people who love you for who you are, and not what you do for them. Finally, you will no longer abandon or betray yourself for love and connection. You will have broken the spell and let go of the pattern of betrayal.
Katia my dear, you are always spot on!! 😍 love it!