In a narcissistic family, image is everything. Nothing less than blind loyalty is demanded of you. But what if your family is deliberately hurting you? What if that loyalty hasn’t been earned? The devastating outcome for the child is that they internalize the belief that they are not lovable. They then go on to make choices based on this false belief.

“Whatever he receives, for a child, it’s always love, it would be unbearable to acknowledge it was not love.” ~ Tantric master from India

The narcissistic parent cleverly covers their tracks. They charm your friends, the extended family and infiltrate everyone in your circle. They make sure that everyone is under their spell and that their version of reality is believed.

If you are brave enough to break the taboo and speak up about someone in your family abusing you, you are immediately shunned. You will forever be the scapegoat and you will be ostracized. They will talk behind your back and side with the abuser. You will be cast out.

Narcissistic family members repeat the abuse cycle. They are either love bombing you or devaluing you. For the scapegoat, the discard comes just as abruptly as it does in a romantic relationship.

Narcissists also use money and property as forms of control. They always bring up The Will. They love talking about how much money you’re going to get or how the money is going to be divided. They dangle the money carrot to keep you under their thumb. The A-grade supply they get when bringing up their funeral plans is too intoxicating to resist.

Ultimately, it’s your choice whether you want to pay the emotional price of falling into this web of financial manipulation. There are hundreds of stories of narcissists buying undying loyalty with fake promises of inheritance money. The long suffering family members are left penniless and duped. No amount of money is worth selling your soul.

Then there are the nice or fun times. Moments when you think the narcissistic parent has changed. This is an illusion. They’re just being pleasant because they want something or they are in front of an audience. Love-bombing doesn’t only manifest as gushing or over-the-top attention. It could just be that things are peaceful for a while. Be very careful because if you let your guard down, that’s the moment they’ll strike.

In a narcissistic family you can never truly relax and just be yourself. It’s as if you need to be “switched on” to a certain persona to fit in. Try being yourself and see what happens.

Here are 9 more signs you grew up in a narcissistic family

 

1. The authoritarian narcissistic parent must be worshipped and obeyed at all times

 

Whether it’s the matriarch or the patriarch, the narcissistic parent rules with an iron fist. They have absolute power and there’s a strict pecking order. In this hierarchy, the narcissistic parent is a law unto themselves. They live according to a different set of rules. The mantra is,

“Do what I say, not as I do.”

They’ll say,

“Don’t you dare lie to me” when in fact, the whole family setup is a lie.

They’ll snarl, “Don’t you dare talk back to me” whilst flying into a narcissistic rage at the slightest provocation. Their reality becomes your reality, their perceptions become your perceptions. They control your behavior through projective identification as well as fear, guilt, shame and obligation.

This sets you up to believe that love is conditional but at the same time, you have no idea what the conditions are. You figure out that to be “perfect” minimizes the abuse. You are constantly on high alert so as to not set the narcissistic parent off.

The thing is, no matter how hard you try to be loved, the most you can hope for is not being shouted at, punished or hit. The child realizes that moving quietly, having no needs and being of service maintains connection. The narcissistic parent sees the child’s fawning behavior and takes great pleasure in how much power they have over their offspring.

2. Divide and Conquer: The children are given different roles

 

 

The narcissistic parent is usually married to an enabler or if single, recruits enablers from the extended family. These enablers become the flying monkeys who end up doing the narcissist’s dirty work. They abuse you by proxy.

The goal of the narcissist is to maintain power and control. To do this they must divide and conquer. By assigning different roles to the family members, the narcissist gets to create their warped version of reality.

The main roles are the scapegoat, golden child and lost child. To remain all powerful, they must have siblings or cousins fighting against each other. Instead of fostering cohesion and authentic connection, the narcissist pits people against each other. They then sit back and watch the show.

They will tell false stories about the other family members and say that you said things you never said. They will share personal, intimate details about your life that you asked to be held in confidence.

It’s all about gossip and drama.

When the narcissist says hurtful things or is extremely offensive or racist, the enablers excuse their behavior with the old line of denial,

“That’s just how they are.”

3. Healthy communication is replaced with Triangulation

 

There is a lack of real communication because the communication in narcissistic families is usually through triangulation. Triangulation is associated with the work of Murray Bowen called Family Theory.

Instead of direct, open and honest communication, the narcissistic parent plays one sibling off against another. They deliberately destroy the relationships between the other family members so that all communication passes through them and them alone.

Within the narcissistic family unit, triangulation is the classic golden child-scapegoat dynamic. The narcissistic parent splits and projects their good and bad characteristics onto their children. One child becomes the good, golden child, and the other becomes the bad, scapegoated child.

The golden child is idealized, and can do no wrong. The scapegoat, is devalued, and can do no good. These roles can be interchangeable, especially if there is only one child. The narcissist decides on a whim whether you are one or the other.

Instead of confronting a person directly, they will say something in “confidence” to one family member knowing full-well that it’s going to reach the person that it’s meant for. This passive-aggressive approach creates drama, tension and mistrust. It maintains division within the family.

Direct communication from the narcissist only comes out as rage or as self-pity. They’re always scheming. As far as the outside world is concerned, you are so blessed to be in such a happy, loving, united, loyal family.

4. Fear and intimidation are used as control tactics

 

Narcissists blow hot and cold. Negative and conflicting messages are used to keep you off balance. You’re told you’re beautiful and clever one minute, the next you’re getting the cold shoulder and you don’t know why.

Ambient abuse creates an unstable environment of fear through ‘a vibe’. This looks like disapproving, angry looks, getting “the glare” and receiving the silent treatment. Affection and resources will be withheld and your achievements will go unrecognized. The lost child and scapegoated child in particular are neglected, excluded and ignored.

5. Sarcasm and humiliation are sold as good humor and good fun

 

“Can’t you take a joke?”

“Don’t be so sensitive.”

“Lighten up.”

Hurtful, unkind, humiliating or embarrassing comments are thrown around like confetti, especially at family get-togethers or in public. This is done intentionally to inflict feelings of shame.

Sarcasm, scorn, barbs and “jokes” are lobbed at you under the guise of good humor. The narcissist laughs loudly (and proudly) and gets the other family members to laugh along, because hey, look what a close, fun, family we are!

The other family members laugh along to gain approval. The victim is left feeling humiliated and numb. If the narcissist says it’s funny, then it’s funny.

6. There’s zero empathy or understanding but lots of guilt

 

In a narcissistic family system there is no soft place to land. You are taught that love is conditional and you have to earn it. God forbid, you displease your narcissistic parent in any way. Don’t you dare embarrass them by being a normal child, teenager or adult.

Children are seen and not heard and “don’t you DARE answer me back!” If you were brave enough to answer back, you paid a very heavy price. You were also probably the scapegoated child. I salute you.

How many times have you heard, “After all I have done for you…”

“I’m your mother” or “I’m your father and you WILL respect me.”

What the narcissistic parent fails to understand is that respect, like loyalty and trust, need to be earned. The narcissistic parent broke their child’s trust and lost respect a very long time ago.

I am the first one to agree that The Ten Commandments (Exodus 20) should be obeyed. The fifth one is “Honor your mother and your father…” However, God also gave sacred instructions to parents: To love, nurture and discipline their children.

However, an abusive or narcissistic parent breaks this sacred contract. They act dishonorably. Instead of loving and nurturing, they withhold and abuse. Instead of disciplining, they control, coerce and punish. God wants his children to be safe and loved. Honoring your parents does not require you to stay in the firing line of abuse. You can honor your parents from (a safe) distance.

Relationships are a two way streak. Give and take. The narcissist sees it as one-way traffic. Respect and loyalty coming in, zero going out.

7. Life is a blur. There are no clear boundaries.

 

The narcissistic parent discourages individuation and boundaries. They are often enmeshed with their children. They see their children as objects and as an extension of themselves.

Your emotional needs and feelings are not met or considered to be important. The message from the narcissistic parent is,

“You’re okay if I’m okay.”

“If I am not okay, it’s your job to make me okay.”

An example of enmeshment, also known as emotional incest, occurs when a narcissistic mother turns her son into her emotional husband. She leans heavily on him and may even encourage her son to sleep in her bed until the age of 12 and beyond. This also happens between narcissistic fathers and their daughters.

At the same time, they treat their adult son or daughter like a baby, using infantile language and calling them by the pet names they were given as toddlers. They never allow the child to individuate and grow up.

Emotional incest deeply damages the enmeshed son or daughter. It prevents them from forming healthy attachments later in life. Enmeshed men grow up emotionally immature. They drag the enmeshment trauma into their adult romantic relationships. They will choose a woman just as needy, unstable and controlling as their mother. In turn, they themselves often have an avoidant attachment style, are controlling, have anger issues, addiction issues and are unable to fully commit.

In a healthy family system, a child is seen as an individual. They are given the space to develop their sense of self; their own identity. The mother encourages the child to set boundaries, and she respects them. She models self-sufficiency and independence while offering safety and support.

The narcissistic mother is emotionally immature and needy. She has no boundaries and the child is used to satisfy her emotional needs. As the child of a narcissist, you grow up believing that your purpose in life is to make sure your narcissistic parent is happy and okay.

So, the child is taught that they have no needs of their own. To feel safe, they focus on meeting the needs of the narcissist at ALL times. The message from the the enablers, flying monkeys and extended family members is:

“Don’t do anything to upset mom or dad.”

That is the golden rule of life.

Children are taught that they are responsible for the narcissistic parent’s feelings of distress. But the parent has nothing to do with their child’s feelings of distress. You grow up fearing disapproval. One wrong foot opens the door to rage attacks, guilt trips, severe punishments and shame.

In a narcissistic family home, the child has no right to privacy. The parent regularly goes through all their belongings, reads their diaries and constantly snoops and spies. Even as an adult, invasive and intrusive questions are asked. Your whereabouts need to be clocked in at all times.

You grow up not knowing the difference between love, respect and fear. In fact, pain gets confused with love. When another abuser comes along protesting to love you, it feels like love. It feels like home. Pain is all you know, pain is your happy place.

Children that grow up in the narcissistic family cult also believe that respect means obedience. They become people-pleasers and are programmed for co-dependent relationships. They are constantly seeking external validation and over give and over function to gain and maintain connection.

8. Feelings are obliterated and annihilated, unless you are the narcissistic parent, of course.

 

Your feelings are never acknowledged or respected. The only feelings that are ever discussed are those of the narcissistic matriarch or the patriarch. To compound the stress of growing up in an emotional void, the narcissist is emotionally dysregulated.

The only feelings that are expressed are feelings of rage and anger, approval or disapproval. Your feelings are irrelevant and are therefore ignored, ridiculed or punished.

As a child of a narcissist, your feelings, opinions, thoughts, needs and desires are not respected. You are not taught how to process and regulate how you feel. As a coping mechanism you tend to numb out or suppress your feelings. This means you are not taught to allow your feelings to inform you. Your feelings take second (or third, or fourth) place.

9. Shhhhh… Lots of family secrets.

 

As with all cults, there’s lots of secrets in a narcissistic family. Infidelity, a secret love child, alcoholism, abuse, mental health issues, birth defects, hidden adoptions and name changes… Everything is hidden away. If it’s not “perfect,” its existence is denied. Remember, image is everything.

To keep up the facade, the family attends church regularly. They act as upstanding members of the community. To further boost their image, they virtue signal by publicly performing generous acts for others. They make sure the outside world sees them as amazing people who have sacrificed and given so much.

All the while, behind closed doors the verbal abuse, emotional abuse, neglect and coercion remain hidden. Cruel acts are done when no one else is looking. The mask comes off. Look at what a happy, successful, perfect and loyal family we are. We are better than you. You wish you were us.

The children are taught to act like everything is marvelous and to smile for the camera. They know better than to tell the truth because, “How dare you shame me like that.”

If you grew up in a narcissistic family, I invite you to take off your cloak of shame. Hand it back to your narcissistic parent/s. It was never yours to wear. It’s too big and too heavy. Give it back. Reclaim your life, your laughter and your sense of self. The shame is on them.

How to heal from narcissistic family abuse

Start by putting boundaries in place. Distance yourself from the narcissistic parent, their flying monkeys and the enablers. Move away from the family and go low contact or no contact.

This is the most difficult decision you’ll ever have to make. You will doubt yourself and your decision a million times over. Do it anyway.

The only way you can grow into yourself and individuate, is to step out of the family system that insists on keeping you the same. Maybe you can circle back when you feel stronger. Maybe you can do low contact when you are more confident in your ability to set and maintain boundaries. Maybe your family is so unsafe you can never return.

What is most important is that you put the focus back onto yourself and your life. Don’t waste another precious second of your life pouring into an empty cup. You will learn to choose people who are willing and able to love you. You will turn away from people who replicate the same relationship dynamic you have with your narcissistic parent/s.

When you walk away from your narcissistic parents and their enablers, they can’t abuse you anymore. Use your time to learn about narcissism, understand what it is and learn the terminology. When you name something, it’s no longer the elephant in the room. Don’t get stuck in this research phase though. The next step is to actively participate in your own healing. That is the hard part.

You need to grieve, you need to be mad and sad. Your nervous system will be dysregulated and you may be suffering from emotional flashbacks and Complex- PTSD. Get professional counseling or work with a coach. Find a healing modality that resonates with you. Join an online community or find a support group in your area.

Take care of yourself. Start with the basics, healthy food, water, exercise, sleep, and a daily spiritual practice. Dedicate your life and your time to yourself. Work on rebuilding your sense of self-trust. If you are blessed to find one or two allies, lean on them for support. If you have no-one, partner with a therapist or coach. Go and talk to a priest. Rest.

There is a part of the healing journey that can only be walked alone. This is symbolized by The Hermit card in the Tarot. It is also referred to as a Dark Night of the Soul. The old you is dying so that your true self can emerge. It is a lonely time but it is necessary and normal.

Do not fear this part of the journey. If you rush to connect with new people too soon, you risk attracting those who are mirrors of your disordered family members. You risk forming trauma bonds instead of genuine relationships.

Be prepared for the ensuing smear campaign and prepare to be scapegoated. Don’t waste time and energy trying to defend yourself. Put all of your energy into your healing. Focus on creating your new life.

No matter where you are on your journey, know that there is hope. If you don’t have the financial resources to take care of yourself, start there. Focus on building yourself up so that you can become financially independent. It took me a long time but with determination and a strong will to be free, I was able to do it. I know you can too.

References and further reading

Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W.,Ph.D.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life by Patricia Love

Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse by Jackson MacKenzie

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

Trauma: Healing Your Past to Find Freedom Now by Nick Polizzi and Pedram Shojai