An unloved daughter’s roadmap to forgiveness.

Maternal narcissism is difficult to talk about because it violates a taboo about expected maternal behavior. Society feels safer denying that it exists, often shaming the daughter for speaking out.

“But she’s your mother… It’s just how she is.”

Mothers are idealized as nurturing, loving and protective. The epitome of Mother Mary herself. Many mothers do embody the mother archetype but we need to acknowledge that there are many who do not.

In truth, mothers are flawed human beings just like everyone else. Mothers have good characters and bad characters. They have mental health issues, addictions and personality disorders. Being a mother does not magically exonerate you from bad behavior. However, the idea of a mother deliberately hurting or exploiting her own children goes against the laws of nature. It feels very, very uncomfortable.

If you were raised by a narcissistic father, it’s traumatic and damaging but there’s a level of cruelty meted out by a narcissistic mother that is far more wounding. Your mother is typically the first person you attach too. You are literally attached by the umbilical cord in the womb. After you are born, you begin to emotionally attach to her. She teaches you how to bond with others by the way she bonds with you. This determines how securely you go on to attach to others as an adult. You can discover more about your attachment style in the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love, by Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

Narcissistic mothers teach their daughters that all relationships are transactional. You earn your worth by what you do, not for who you are. The world is harsh, punishing, unloving and unsafe. Nothing is for nothing and everything has a price. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often become people-pleasers and workaholics, earning their worth by over-giving and over-functioning.

What did love feel like from your mother?

Was it gentle, patient, loving and unconditional? Was her touch soft? Did you feel safe? You derive your sense of self-worth from the way your mother cared for you. She modeled self-love to you by the way she loved and cared for you.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers don’t experience this gentle nurturance. Instead, they are handled roughly. Their hair gets pulled uncaringly with a hairbrush, fingers are slammed absentmindedly in doors, they are rushed and hurried, shouted at, hit, slapped, punished and traumatized. Physical, emotional and mental abuse inhibits their emotional development. Instead of growing up confident with a healthy sense of self-worth, they grow up anxious, depressed and numb.

Interestingly, eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia nervosa often develop in women with narcissistic mothers. They become a way to self-soothe in a toxic environment that lacks emotional nutrients, obliterates the self, and requires numbing out. The narcissistic mother’s erratic mood swings, hot and cold behavior and manipulation tactics terrorize her daughter, creating a constant state of anxiety where safety and security should be.

Instead of a loving, kind face mirroring back positive self-regard, the child is met with an angry face, mirroring rage. The mother projects her own self-hatred onto her daughter. She then internalizes this as her sense of self. Daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up hating themselves. They look at themselves in the mirror and literally say, “I hate you.” This is the message that was reflected back to them in the eyes of the mother looking back at them.

What is especially painful for the scapegoated daughter is that no one validates the abuse. The narcissistic mother is charming and cunning enough to hide her cruelties for the outside world. She will befriend her daughter’s friends and put on a show in front of others.

“The bullies’ favorites often slip into denial. Relieved that they are not the target. Especially charismatic bullies may even be admired or seen as great. Being the scapegoated child of such a bully is especially problematic because it is so difficult to get anyone to validate that you are being abused by them.” (Pete Walker, Complex PTSD, 2013)

The first step to healing from maternal narcissistic abuse is to accept that your narcissistic mother will never change. Sure, miracles can and do happen, but you will keep yourself stuck in pain and suffering waiting for it to happen. Accept your mother for exactly who and what she is. From this place of radical acceptance, you can now choose how you are going to show up, and keep yourself safe. Waiting for her to give you the love and validation she never gave you as a child will keep you feeling unloved and invalidated.

In adulthood, it is your job to love and validate yourself — not hers or anyone else’s. In fact, this is one of the lessons your narcissistic mother teaches you. By not loving and validating you, you are forced to find it within. Loving yourself is a powerful step on the ascension and spiritual growth path.

Affirm: “By not loving me and validating me you have taught me to love and validate myself. I now love and validate myself. Thank you for the lesson.”

From a spiritual perspective, your soul chose your mother before you were even born. Your soul was a perfect vibrational match to hers and the experience of being born to her is what your soul needed to heal and evolve. All relationships here on earth are containers for growth. Karma is healed and released through the power of love. Sometimes the love that heals is self-love. Choosing to love yourself enough to go no-contact, ultimately releases your karmic burden.

It is not always what you do but rather the intention behind your choices that determines the karmic consequences of your choices. This is why it is so powerful to act from a place of love instead of fear. Even the choice to go no-contact with your narcissistic mother can be done with love. Instead of sending her angry thoughts, you can send her love as you continue to love and liberate yourself. Love is the healing balm of the universe.

“Honor your father and your mother, that you may live a long time in the land the LORD your God is giving to you.” ~ Exodus 20:12

The Bible teaches you to honor and respect all those who God has used to impact your life. One of the biggest mistakes we make is when we get stuck in judgment and hate. We then get stuck in the energy of being a victim. When you believe you are a victim, you weaken yourself and you cannot move beyond the pain of the past. It becomes your identity and you are not able to transcend it.

There is an important part of the healing journey where you absolutely are a victim. You have every right to feel victimized. You can stay there for as long as you need to — but don’t get stuck there. To stay stuck there is to stay stuck in pain which is just a replay of the past in a different format.

The Buddha taught that to be human is to suffer. We were never promised a perfect, pain free life. By surrendering to this spiritual truth, you can begin to live life instead of resisting it. Despite the challenges, darkness and pain, to be here on earth is a gift. It offers you the opportunity to dissolve karma and to purify your soul. Ultimately, that is why you are here.

Every relationship offers you an opportunity to heal and grow. The thing is, all the people you are in relationship with are people you share karma with, so stuff is going to come up. Are you going to replay the old patterns or choose something new? Will you suffer or choose to be free?

We are taught that relationships are there to make us happy. But happiness does not come from outside of you. Nobody can make you happy.

The most important relationship you will ever have and need is your relationship with God and yourself — the God within. The I AM which is inherent in all of us and that connects you with everything. If you look for love, approval, validation, comfort or happiness from outside sources you are doomed to be disappointed. Unfortunately, having an unhealed mother wound can keep you stuck in this holding pattern of needing love and validation from those who are unwilling or unable to give it.

Remember, your true nature is to love, not to need love. It is your job to love and care for yourself, respect and honor yourself and heal what needs to be healed. In your relationship with God, within you, you will find the love, strength, validation, security and guidance you need. It is always available to you in the here and now. In the present moment.

From this perspective, here are 7 predictable narcissistic behaviors that you can transmute into wisdom:

1. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS HOG THE SPOTLIGHT

Your narcissistic mother must be front and center at all times — her needs, her wants, her opinions: Her way or the highway. She always prioritizes herself. She cuts you off mid-sentence, shouts over you and will DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to get attention.

Jenna was planning a solo trip to Nepal. She flew back to her hometown and was looking forward to spending a few days with her family before flying off. After dinner, she brought out a map to show them her planned route.

Suddenly, her mother burst into tears, loudly sobbing, proclaiming how scared and worried she was and how stressed she was going to be. She completely hijacked the evening.

The focus became her and her distress. She continued sobbing, chest heaving, and would not be placated. What was supposed to be a celebration became a nightmare of guilt-laden emotional manipulation. Jenna put her map away and counted the hours until her departure.

A narcissistic mother sucks the air out of the room and the joy out of a party if it’s not all about her. There is no space for you and your joys.

What is this teaching your soul?

Speak up, be seen, be heard, take up space. I challenge you to post on social media, go live on Instagram, put up your first video, write your book, take that dance class. Above all, shine your light. Shine freaking bright.

2. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS ARE INCREDIBLY CONTROLLING

You learn very young that asserting yourself leads to punishment. Any attempts by you to individuate are met with anger, rejection and hostility. Your job is to serve her needs — Your needs cause a conflict of interest.

If you need time and space to focus on yourself, she will resent you for it. Time spent on yourself is seen as a threat to her supply of your energy, time and resources. Narcissistic mothers control you by being very demanding. You are trained to jump to attention the second they call, message, text or hint.

You exist solely to serve her insatiable need for narcissistic supply. If you begin to rebel against the role she has cast you in, she will see you as a direct threat. You will become public enemy number 1. She will then begin a brutal campaign to cut you back down to size.

As a young child, she will humiliate you in public by shouting at you, pulling and twisting your ears or slapping you. She will passively-aggressively withhold affection and resources. She will give you days of silent treatment. Her answer to everything will be an emphatic NO. Even as a toddler, you will be left to fend for yourself.

What is this teaching your soul?

Assert yourself, individuate, break free. You have needs, learn what they are. Start by asking yourself throughout the day:

“What do I need right now?”

Give yourself what you need in each moment. Be present in your body, tune into what it needs from you. Re-mother yourself with compassion.

3. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS TRAIN YOU TO BECOME A CODEPENDENT PEOPLE-PLEASER

She created her daughter and her daughter’s purpose is to serve her and meet her needs. Why else is she here?

The narcissistic mother views her daughter as an extension of herself. She treats her scapegoat daughter like her personal servant. She is seen as a source of free child care for the younger siblings as well as being a free maid to do the housework. Scapegoated daughters don’t get to have normal, carefree childhoods. It’s their job to serve the mother.

A narcissistic mother is shameless. She sits on her throne barking out orders. If she wants something, you better come running, fast. The daughter waits on her mother, hand and foot desperately trying to earn her approval but it never comes. This sets the daughter up to become a people-pleaser. She is trained to be a doormat and to have no needs of her own. The only way she learns to feel loved is by doing for others. If she’s not busy doing she feels she has no value.

What is this teaching your soul?

What is the motivation behind what you do? Check in with yourself and be honest about your motivations and intentions. Are you doing it because you really want to and it’s a holy hell yes? Or are you doing it to dissolve the anxiety of not being or doing enough? Or, are you scared they won’t like or love you if you do it?

Learn to please yourself first and foremost so that you no longer abandon yourself for love and connection. You were not born to serve your mother. You were born to serve the world with your God given talents and gifts. Your purpose is not to become like your mother, your purpose is to become more of yourself.

Recognize your people-pleasing and codependency conditioning. Learn all you can about it and seek to heal through the power of your own self-love.

4. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS ARE HIGHLY MANIPULATIVE

Everything is a game and a strategy for power and control. Her favorite weapons to get you to comply? Guilt, fear, shame, anger and obligation

She is a master at withholding love and affection to get you to toe the line. She uses emotional blackmail and her mantra is:

“Look at all the things I have sacrificed to raise you…”

Narcissistic mothers are incredibly sneaky and covert with their abuse. Sticking the knife in and then innocently going, “what?”

They are very careful not to get caught and deny everything. Cruelties are framed in syrupy tones. Passive-aggressive acts are flaunted as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism is slyly disguised as concern for your wellbeing. It’s a mindf****.

Your exile and the ensuing smear campaign are both carefully orchestrated.

She emotionally invalidates and guilt-trips you. Your reactions to her narcissistic abuse are met with invalidation, denial, shaming and gaslighting. The narcissistic mother has no qualms about using her emotional outbursts to emotionally dump on you. She deliberately provokes her daughter, pushing her buttons to get a reaction and a hit of narcissistic supply.

What is this teaching your soul?

You learn to trust yourself and master the art of discernment. Because every manipulation trick in the book has been used on you, you become a master at reading human behavior. You know when someone is trying to manipulate you and you no longer allow yourself to be coerced into doing what you don’t want to do. You see guilt, fear, anger and obligation for what they are — weapons. You learn to discern who is authentic and who is not. You gain street smarts and can hold your own. Above all, she has taught you what love is not.

5. SHE HAS ZERO EMPATHY AND LOVES YOUR PAIN

Narcissistic mothers have no empathy. Something is either serving her, or it isn’t. She can’t and won’t validate your feelings.

She was never attuned to you as a baby and is incapable of being in tune with you now. If she does or says something that upsets you, she will simply retort with “get over it.”

Narcissists never apologize. They focus on managing their image and project the shame elicited by your perceived criticism back onto you.

When you are sick or going through a rough time, they are right by your side. Secretly reveling in your pain and misfortune. Boldly announcing your diagnoses or crises to anyone who will listen, without your permission, and relishing all the attention she gets as everyone gasps at the awful news.

“Poor thing, it must be so hard for you as a mother…”

Narcissistic mothers deliberately sabotage their daughters. They will withhold resources, information, permission and support when they feel low on supply. It’s hard to accept that your mother is intentionally sabotaging you whilst portraying herself as the most loving, supportive mother in the world.

What is this teaching your soul?

You learn to have empathy and compassion for yourself. By choosing people who don’t choose you, you finally learn to choose yourself. Your empathy for yourself deepens and in the process, you are able to hold space for and empathize with others.

Your empathy becomes a superpower, sharpening your intuitive gifts. Her lack of empathy teaches you what a gift yours is. To be able to feel the full spectrum of human emotions is a powerful gift that reminds you that through your grief, rage, joy and pain, you are ALIVE. You don’t need to feed off of others to feel good. You have an infinite source of LOVE within yourself.

6. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS VIOLATE BOUNDARIES

Narcissistic mothers either totally neglect or enmesh with their children. They overshare about their own sex lives and ask their daughters inappropriate questions about theirs.

The moment you try to establish a boundary, she will cross it. A beautiful woman I knew, let’s call her Diane, succumbed to breast cancer. She had a mother who was a malignant narcissist. She spent her whole life at the beck and call of her mother.

Eventually, she asked her mother to please not call at 8 am every morning as it was her busiest time. What did her narc mother do? For the next two years, leading up to Diane’s diagnosis and eventual death, at 8 am sharp, every morning she called. If Diane did not answer, her mother let the phone ring, and ring, and ring… Hitting up both her cellphones and the landlines. She deliberately violated the boundary and sucked the life out of her daughter.

The narcissistic mother demands attention at ALL times. She will call, text, email and message you incessantly. She will be all over your social media posts to the point of embarrassment. She will read your diary and go through your belongings. She may even sell or give away your things without your knowledge or consent. Your things are her things. She owns you too.

They love snooping and deliberately ask invasive questions. I know a narcissistic mother who stole her daughter’s cellphone at a dinner party she was hosting at the family home. She wanted to go through her daughter’s messages. Her daughter was deeply traumatized by the fact that she was stolen from and betrayed in her own home by her own mother.

She does this all without a conscience.

What is this teaching your soul?

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries! You finally learn what a boundary is and how to set them.

7. NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

She is emotionally volatile, swinging between rage and a woe-is-me victim mentality. She weaponizes her anger and uses it to scare everyone into submission. She is known as the “scary mom.” She shouts, she dictates and she demands. You better listen and listen well.

You always feel like you are walking on eggshells around her. Her moods are unpredictable so you can never relax. One minute you are showered with gifts and attention (she love-bombs you, usually when she wants something from you) the next you feel like you’ve done something wrong.

As a child, you will do anything to remain in her good books. You feel totally annihilated when you are not. You live suspended in a state of anxiety, holding your breath between one rage attack and the next. Always praying for calm. It is a dangerous and unsafe environment to grow up in. Eventually it makes you sick. Migraines, auto-immune diseases, and gut issues are often signs you are living with an energy vampire. Your life force is being drained and your body is letting you know it does not feel safe.

What is this teaching your soul?

From a spiritual perspective, everything serves. Including the darker emotions, like anger. Anger often shows up when a boundary has been violated. Notice what triggers your anger, see if it is a boundary issue.

Your mother’s rage probably triggers an emotional reaction in you. Sit with it and find your fear and anxiety in your body. What is your fear and anxiety telling you? Possibly that you don’t feel safe? What do you need to feel safe? Probably a boundary. Your narcissistic mother’s anger is teaching you what feels safe and what doesn’t. From this point of self-awareness you can choose how to respond. You may set a boundary or perhaps go low or no contact? Anger is a powerful messenger and teacher. Don’t fear it — listen to it and use it’s energy to propel yourself forward — or far, far away.

HOW TO HEAL FROM MATERNAL NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

As much as I am a voice for victims of narcissistic abuse, I also have deep empathy for the plight of the narcissist. In her book, Borderline, Narcissistic and Schizoid Adaptations: The pursuit of Love, Admiration and safety, Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D. describes the narcissist’s need for admiration as an adaptive response.

“Highly Narcissistic individuals are unable to regulate their self-esteem by themselves. They need the validation of others in order not to fall into self-hating depressions characterized by abject shame over what they see as their irreparable defects. This leads them to spend an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to impress others… Thus, they often act as if everyone they meet is there to either admire or shame them, as if these were the only possible and appropriate responses the other person could make… You are either their admiring audience or their critical audience. It does not occur to Narcissists that others have an independent existence and life beyond their own that has nothing to do with them and their need for validation…”

This deeper understanding of your narcissistic mother’s behavior will help you to depersonalize it. When you detach, you no longer take your narcissistic mother’s behavior personally. Rather, you can step back and observe (with amusement?) at how predictable her behavior is. It is all about her and actually has nothing to do with you.

When you were a child, you believed your mother treated you badly because you were flawed or not lovable. It was inconceivable to your young mind that your mother was actually abusive and did not love you. A child will never see their parents as bad, rather they see themselves as bad.

The old program says, “My mother doesn’t love me and is punishing and hurting me because I am unlovable.”

As an adult, you can heal this gaping mother wound. Where her love never was, you can fill it with your own love.

Your new programming says, “My mother’s inability to love me is her problem, her issue, her karma. It does not define who I am. Her inability to love does not make me unlovable. I love and validate myself and open up to love in all its forms.”

The distorted perception of not being lovable is what the wounded inner child needs to heal. You can mourn the loss of not having the mother you deserved and desired. Grieve, feel the pain of the wounding inflicted on you and choose to let it go. Daughters of narcissistic mothers only know pain. They have never felt truly loved. Pain becomes their happy place. Pain is familiar and therefore feels safe. Unconsciously, daughters of narcissistic mothers keep themselves locked in cycles of pain by choosing people that hurt them in similar ways.

Healing happens when you stop numbing out and lean into the pain. Ask it what it is trying to teach you. Once you have heard its message, learned from it and released it, you will be ready to feel something different. Learn to re-mother yourself and remove yourself from those who hurt and invalidate you.

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we will ever do.” ~Brené Brown

In the process of loving and forgiving yourself, you will be able to forgive her and let go from a place of love. Letting go may look like rock solid boundaries, low contact, or no-contact. Whichever you choose, you choose it guilt free and from a space of love. Love for yourself and love for her. By not enabling her bad behavior, you mirror back to her that it’s not acceptable to be treated that way. Whether she gets the message or not is none of your business! Your life and your boundaries are where your focus lies.

Healing cannot happen in the dark. Secrets are found in the shadows. Shadow work is the most transformative healing work you can do for your soul. Healing the mother wound goes far beyond the individual, it extends out into the collective and even deeper into the womb of mother earth. We only need to see how we are treating our first mother, Planet Earth to see that we have a bleeding, gaping, collective mother wound. There seems to be an anger and a hatred towards the mother which has been passed down generationally.

By acknowledging these destructive genetic patterns and healing from them, we can begin to heal as a collective.

Forgiveness is a very triggering word for many, but in truth, it is the only way to truly be free and at peace. Forgiveness is not something you do for the other person, you do it for yourself. You see the other person through the eyes of God and you have compassion for them. You forgive the past and you set yourself free from the toxic programming and the familiarity of pain.

The beauty is you never have to see, speak to or be around your mother again to do this healing work. Often, the relationship is so toxic that to maintain or reestablish contact will be too wounding to your soul and psyche. Going no contact and loving from a distance is absolutely the right thing to do. But you can be in separation and love rather than in separation and hate. You get to choose whether the curse of narcissism is going to continue to harm you or not. Love is the answer, love for yourself and love for the woman who birthed you. You can love safely, from a distance.

References and further Reading

Arabi, S (2019). Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on the Invisible War Zone

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving. Lafayette, CA: Azure Coyote.

Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life.

McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. New York: Atria Paperback.