Narcissists and sociopaths have an inbuilt radar that detects precisely who will fall for their tricks. They observe you closely and do subtle little tests to gauge your reaction. Some people find themselves entangled in a relationship with a narcissist, manage to get out, heal and move onto healthier relationships. The rest of us find ourselves hitting the repeat button.

Narcissists exploit those who are an easy target. But what makes you vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation and abuse?

Well, first we need to go back to the beginning to where it all began, early childhood. The very first people you bonded with and attached to, were your primary caregivers, your parents. Their physical proximity, emotional availability and the dynamic of the relationship they had with you when you were a child, determined your relationship signature and attachment style in adulthood.

If you grew up without parents or a primary caregiver, you lacked opportunities for attachment. Children raised in orphanages, or on the streets, fail to develop the sense of trust needed to form healthy attachments.

If you were lucky, you grew up in an environment that fostered a secure attachment style. This acts like a buffer and makes you more resistant to manipulation and narcissistic abuse. You will more easily recognize behavior that is abusive because you have a healthy model to compare it to. Your caregivers were available, accepting, sensitive and responsive. Your nervous system was regulated. You gravitate toward those who feel safe and are emotionally regulated too.

Those of us who are more susceptible to narcissistic manipulation often grew up with caregivers who scared us, minimized our feelings, left us to our own devices and possibly hurt, rejected and ridiculed us. They may have blown hot and cold. One minute praising and love bombing you, the next icing you out and punishing you. In this scary environment, the child keeps safe by numbing out their feelings. Recognizing that no one is available to help them, they also become overly independent.

In childhood, shutting down your feelings helped to protect you from pain. As an adult, it is not so protective. In fact, it keeps you stuck in toxic situations way longer. As you numb out the pain and reality of a situation, you shut down your intuition. In the process, you ignore the signals your body is sending you, alerting you to danger. You mistake anxiety for chemistry. Danger feels exciting. Abuse feels normal.

Attachment Theory was developed in the 1960s and 70s by British psychologist John Bowlby and expanded upon by American Canadian psychologist Mary Ainsworth. Ainsworth defined three main types of attachment and later, researchers included a fourth. They are:

1. Secure attachment

2. Anxious attachment

3. Avoidant attachment

4. Disorganized attachment

Many of you that read my articles and blog posts probably fall between numbers 2 and 4. Personally, I have a disorganized attachment style and am working towards becoming more secure.

So what does this have to do with narcissistic abuse?

Let’s say you meet someone new. It feels magnetic and exciting. There’s a crazy chemistry and you feel like this person is totally on your wavelength. You click instantly and the connection feels so different to anything you have ever felt before. It’s as if you have known each other from past life. You get excited, thinking you have met your soul mate, new BFF, perfect neighbor or boss.

You throw all caution to the wind, drop your defenses and dive straight in. It’s only been three weeks and you are “in a relationship.” I moved in with my ex after only knowing him and dating for six weeks. On day two in my new home, I knew I had made a mistake. It took me nearly 8 years to get out.

The reality is, this person feels familiar to you because your nervous system is activated. They feel familiar to your nervous system because they remind you of your absent, emotionally unavailable or narcissistic parent/s.

Instead of registering this as a major red flag and a sign to walk away, your nervous system (and wounded inner child) says:

“Hey, if I can get this person, who feels just like my mom/dad, to finally love and accept me, then I will heal my unresolved abandonment mother/father wound. I could never earn their love but I can earn this person’s love. With patience, I will create a different ending from what I experienced in childhood. Yay!”

Until you heal your core wounds from childhood (often it is ‘I am not lovable’) you will choose people from your wound, not your worth.

This nervous system activation occurs in all your relationships, not just romantic ones. You will end up working for a narcissistic boss, forever trying to win their approval, while they abuse you. Attract narcissistic friends, business partners etcetera. This repeating pattern is called repetition compulsion. It is maladaptive and never brings you the different outcome or closure you subconsciously seek.

Instead, you stay stuck in a loop of attracting narcissistic individuals until you heal the core wounds from your unresolved childhood trauma. Narcissists are super dialed into this core wounding. During the idealization or love bombing phase they mirror back to you all the love and validation you never got from your primary caregiver/s.

They flatter you and tell you how amazing you are. They listen to everything you have to say (they are gathering data and ammunition to use against you later). They blow up your phone with messages and are available 24/7. You find yourself high on LOVE.

This is why the beginning phase of any new relationship feels so good. It’s intoxicating and addictive. You are getting exactly what you have always craved, and it’s delivered in bucket loads. Until it’s not.

Just like that, all the good stuff is withdrawn… and the devaluation and withholding kicks in. This is the first manipulation tactic the narcissist uses to hook you in. They play on your need for love, attention and affection. They giveth with one hand and taketh with the other.

Besides attachment wounding, let’s look deeper under the hood of your psyche and find out what else makes you more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Recognize which vulnerabilities you have so that you can do the inner work to heal them and empower yourself. This means you will see the person and their behavior for what it is, abusive, and disengage before they can do any real, lasting damage.

 

6 Ways You Make Yourself An Easy Target For Narcissists

 

1. You don’t have good boundaries

There’s a good chance that tip-toeing around, making yourself scarce, over-achieving and not rocking the boat, kept you (relatively) safe in childhood. But in the process of focusing on your external environment, you did not learn healthy assertiveness skills. You neglected your inner landscape.

This means that you were not trained to speak up when something felt off or unfair — and if you did, you were hit, punished or shouted at. To survive, you probably developed strong people-pleasing skills. You learned to keep quiet to keep the peace.

Pete Walker in his book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma, refers to people-pleasing behavior as the fawn response. It is one of the four trauma responses (the other three are fight, flight and freeze). You are being ‘nice’ to stay safe.

Fawning makes you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. To avoid conflict, you immediately try to please or placate a person. This defense mechanism is often developed in childhood in response to an abusive parent or a caregiver. The narcissist takes full advantage of this response, knowing they can do as they please and will not be called out.

The narcissist literally rubs their hands together in glee when they see you coming. They know they can be rude, cruel and dishonest. They can lie and cheat and you will say nothing, do nothing. Instead of putting in healthy boundaries and walking away, you will tolerate the abuse, believing they will change.

Boundaries teach people how to treat you. If you are a people pleaser you assume people will treat you right. Wrong.

You determine what you will put up with and where you draw the line. Practice saying, “NO” and walk away from people who don’t treat you well. Learn to hold the discomfort of resistance from others when asserting yourself.

2. You see the potential in people and deny reality

Focusing on potential means you are putting yourself in the role of healer, savior or rescuer. You are most probably codependent and choose to stay in 1-sided relationships.

Narcissists LOVE rescuers! All that attention you give them is A-grade narcissistic supply. Your codependency conditioning means you have been trained to be of service to others. You ignore your own needs and dysfunctions and attach to broken, unavailable, unsuitable, addicted, abusive or narcissistic people.

One the one hand, you deeply believe you can’t do any better. On the other hand, you believe your love, patience and support will eventually lead to your happy-ever-after. In truth, you have just created a trauma bond which mimics the relationship dynamic you had with your primary caregiver/s.

All that ends up happening is that your life force and resources are drained away. You become an empty, hollow shadow of yourself as the narcissist continues to suck you dry. When there is nothing left of you, the narcissist discards you and promptly replaces you with the new supply.

3. You trust too easily

Do you naively assume people are honest, like you? The world is full of good people but it is just as full of really, really bad people. It behooves you to accept this reality. Don’t assume that the people you meet are “like you”. I heard a great piece of wisdom somewhere, it goes something like this:

“If you meet someone in the woods, assume they are a criminal. You can always change your mind later. Otherwise, you may not get a chance to change your mind, later.”

4. You are full of self-doubt

If you do not have a strong sense of self and what you stand for, you are more vulnerable to gaslighting. The narcissist will neg you, put you down, counter everything you say and deny your reality.

I am shocked at how insidious and prevalent gaslighting is in society. Now that I’m aware of it, I have started to notice it, especially when dealing with crooked service providers. They deny, lie and blame shift to avoid taking responsibility. Notice when you are being gaslit and dig your heels in. Call it out. Say:

“That is not my experience of the situation” or

“I don’t see it that way.”

“It may not be an issue for you, but is is a problem for me. How are you going to resolve this?

5. You are an empath

Being highly sensitive and intuitive is a gift. Your sensitivity alerts you to what is really going on in your environment. But, if you do not have healthy boundaries and absorb the emotions of others, you become shark bait for a narcissist.

They will project all of their unwanted psychic gunk onto you and if you are unaware, will take it on as your own. You will get sucked into a vortex of constantly trying to uplift the narcissist and make them feel better. They will keep dumping all their stuff on you. The more you try to placate them, the more they will dump on you. It’s a vicious, no-win cycle.

You have volunteered to be the trash can for the narcissist’s unwanted toxic emotions. They will continue to treat you like trash for as long as you allow it. Know the difference between venting and dumping.

A narcissist lacks empathy, that is one of their defining traits. That’s why they gravitate towards yours. To break this cycle, pull all your energy back towards yourself. Stop giving it away for free. Narcissists don’t like being around people who monitor their energy, resources and emotional boundaries.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and say three times,

“I call all of my power back to me now.” See all your soul fragments returning to you.

Take a few more breaths, and gently open your eyes. Do this as often as needed.

Take care of yourself first.

If a situation is hurting you, leave.

6. You focus on choosing a relationship rather than choosing a person

Get super clear on what you are looking for in a person and what your deal breakers are. Be mindful of the pace of any new relationship. Fast-paced connections are a huge red flag. You want to avoid getting attached to someone that may not be compatible or suitable.

Don’t be so desperate for a relationship that you overlook the true character of a person. In reality, during the first 90 days of a new relationship or role, everyone is on their best behavior. You only start to see inklings of who someone really is at about the six month mark. If you rush into a relationship, or trust too easily, you are handing over the keys to your life (and your heart) to someone you know absolutely nothing about.

Know your worth. See yourself as a person of high value. Don’t make yourself easily accessible. Have strong boundaries and standards.

 

How to keep yourself safe

Do the inner work necessary to heal your attachment wounding. If you are codependent, work on understanding your maladaptive behaviors and choose to do things differently.

Learn what boundaries are and how to set them. Become assertive. Learn to love yourself. Above all, trust your gut and listen to the small, still voice within.

References and further reading

Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic relationship by Erin. K. Leonard, L.C.S.W.,Ph.D.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker.

The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today’s Generation by Melody Beattie

Dr Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find And Keep Love