They’re not as easy to spot as overt narcissists.

Have you ever thought you had something all sussed out – only to find yourself making exactly the same mistake? I’d been single for a year and a half and was feeling confident that I was ready to start dating again. It had been a long road stitching myself together after years of narcissistic abuse. I truly believed I had healed and learned enough about narcissism to avoid falling into the same trap. I knew which red flags to look out for.

So when someone seemingly safe slid into my DM’s, I let my guard down. They seemed kind, humble and supportive. We had a lot in common and had similar childhoods. They told me they were a master carpenter and showed me images of stunning woodwork they had done in multi-million Dollar mansions. I was impressed. My running joke at the time was that Jesus had been a carpenter, how could I possibly go wrong?

Despite being long distance, I decided to give the connection a chance. Until we could meet in person, we got to know each other online. We communicated all day (red flag), every day, via text and video call. Looking back, I can clearly see I was being love-bombed. There was not a second during the day where we were not messaging each other. It felt so good to have this level of interest and attention. I saw it as a sign of commitment. They did not have any of the same traits as my ex, so I believed I was safe from narcissistic abuse. I had no idea that my education in narcissism had only just begun.

…

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is described by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5) as a cluster B disorder.

“Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others or lack empathy.”

Narcissists need supply from other people in the form of time, attention, energy and resources. NPD has an exploitative element to it. Narcissism also follows a spectrum. You can have traits of narcissism but not have full blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder. On the milder end is healthy ego development which is a normal part of healthy human development. We’re all a bit narcissistic to some extent! On the extreme end of the spectrum you have malignant narcissism or antisocial personality disorder.

There are generally two different types of narcissism: covert and overt. A key element that distinguishes overt narcissistic abuse from covert narcissistic abuse is that overt narcissistic abuse is pretty obvious and in your face. The latter is hidden, sneaky and covert. When you are being abused by an overt narcissist it is apparent that what you are experiencing is abusiveness, rudeness, brashness, haughtiness, cruelty, unfairness and unkindness. Overt narcissists come across as charming, likable, successful, attractive and charismatic. They draw you in with their charm. Once they have you spellbound, they slowly begin to devalue you, before discarding you.

The overt narcissist has successfully figured out how to get ample narcissistic supply. This is what sets them apart from their cousin, the covert narcissist. A covert narcissist lacks the charm, connections, money, success or talent needed to harness narcissistic supply in the same way. It is much harder for a covert narcissist to feed their addiction to narcissistic supply. Unlike the overt narcissist, the world doesn’t see the covert narcissist as charming, successful and mesmerizing. They’ve had to figure out another way to get supply. The fact that they have to work harder to be seen as special and unique angers and frustrates them. Covert narcissists do not realize how much rage they walk around with. They are always angry.

This makes them passive aggressive and vindictive.

What is a covert narcissist?

Covert narcissists are also known as vulnerable narcissists or passive-aggressive narcissists. These hypersensitive souls believe they are extra special because their pain, suffering and experiences are more intense, more important and more dramatic than anyone else’s. No one has it as bad as them. Positive or negative, if it’s happening to them, no-one in the world will be able to understand the depth of their pain or ecstasy. Their grief is deeper than your grief. Their pain is more searing than your pain. For this they deserve your undying attention, loyalty, love and servitude.

They hide their narcissism behind a facade of fake humbleness and they position themselves as a victim. “Look at what was done to me” is their mantra. Unlike the overt narcissist who loves a good brag, they put themselves down instead of puffing themselves up. They lament about how awful their life/health/job/relationship is. Life has been especially “cruel” to them and you find yourself feeling sorry for them. If you are an empath or codependent, this is where you fall into the trap. The more they play the woe-is-me game, the more you are tempted to lean in and help them. Boom! You have now become a source of supply.

Your empathy feeds their need for attention. The trouble is that they don’t want to fix themselves or their lives. All your advice, wise counsel and support is being poured into an empty hole that can never be filled. They will mine your empathy for as long as you allow them to. They feed off of your emotional energy. They will milk you for all you are worth.

The more they repeat the same sob story the more you try to help them. You find yourself telling them that they are wonderful/successful/amazing/lovable/worthy/good enough over and over again. You know the friend who always goes on about her weight and how fat she looks? Even though she looks perfectly fine? She only does this so you will step in and say how awesome she looks. Beware if you actually offer diet or exercise advice — she doesn’t want that. Secretly, she is putting herself down to get you to tell her the opposite. She doesn’t really think she looks fat in the photo. By saying she does, she gets you to counter her statement and in the process gets a good dose of supply from you. The story gets old quick.

They continue to play the victim and put themselves down, and they take you down with them. They want you to be a vibrational match to their rage, anger, grief and pity. If you try and lift them up they pull you right back down. Covert narcissists are prone to depression and can be quite emotionally dysregulated. They can even come across as a Borderline because they seem so vulnerable, anxious, fragile and full of worry. You don’t see them as abusive.

But make no mistake they are just as dangerous. Their abuse is covert so you don’t see it coming. The covert narcissist does not look like an abuser or act like an abuser. Their language isn’t abusive either. In fact, they act like they care about you and they can seem generous. They are often shy and self-critical. This creates cognitive dissonance for you because the idea or perception of who the person is versus the reality of who they are is so different.

For example, you ask them to do you a favor and they say sure! They put on a big show of helping you out. But they will deliberately do a shoddy job, or show up late or somehow sabotage the situation. They make sure they look like the hero for helping you out but you are left with a mess to clean up. And all the while you feel bad for them.

The covert narcissist is very clever. They show their “nice,” vulnerable, “empathic” side to the world, and when no-one is looking, they stick the knife in with a cutting remark or act. Or they will innocently ask you a question about your job/business/studies/relationship/health in front of others knowing full well that it is a loaded question. They look so caring for being so concerned about you. Meanwhile, they know damn well they’ve put you on the spot or made you feel a failure.

This sneaky behavior makes it very difficult to be believed and it’s almost impossible to get validation from others. No one else sees or experiences what you are witnessing and experiencing. It is crazy making and can make you doubt yourself and your reality. All the while, the covert narcissist is watching you suffer. They feel a surge of power from what they are inflicting on you. Your pain and distress is A-grade narcissistic supply.

Everything is done under the radar. Another term for this type of abuse is ambient abuse. They create a negative vibe that becomes the energy of the room or the atmosphere of the house or business. Ambient abuse is stealth, subtle and hidden. It creates a feeling of intimidation, unpredictability, irritation or fear. It includes things like facial expressions, sighing, huffing, long silences, strange patterns of behavior, things that you can’t quite put your finger on. If you try to explain it to someone you sound like you are exaggerating or being overly sensitive.

Covert narcissists may be a wolf in sheep’s clothing but they are actually cowards.

Here are 11 signs you are dealing with a Covert Narcissist:

• You are walking on egg-shells and feel constantly stressed out.
• When they get angry they may smash or break things.
• When you say something to them they respond with gibberish or word salad to deliberately devalue you. They counter everything you say.
• They deliberately try and get a rise out of you for example they will sit in your chair or use your mug. Out the corner of their eye they watch your reaction.
• You feel exhausted or depressed while in their company or after spending time with with them. It is as if you suddenly have to lie down. You feel heavy and weighed down.
• They tend to be loners and pull you away from the crowd.
• They are emotionally immature. If you go back and read their texts and messages and observe their behavior you can see how immature they really are. It’s as if you are back on the playground.
• You find yourself making yourself smaller, perhaps you unconsciously dumb down your vocabulary or dress more conservatively. Subconsciously you do this to make them feel better. They ALWAYS need lifting up.
• Covert narcissists swing between being demanding of attention and wanting to isolate. Whichever way the pendulum swings, they are abjectly miserable, even suicidal. When they are low on supply they will get attention by withdrawing and they may even threaten to harm themselves. This can set up a vicious cycle of emotional terrorism if you do not become aware of what is going on.
• You become hyper aware of what you say, especially taking care not to criticize them because of the visceral reaction it garners.
• You feel you have to hide your successes and wins as you don’t want to make them feel “bad.”

Tips to help you deal with a Covert Narcissist

1. Firstly, do not take their behavior personally. They would do the same to anyone and right now, that person is you. It has nothing to do with you— it is their personality disorder at work.
2. Disengage. When they try to bait you or get your attention, stay neutral. Leave the situation as soon as you can.
3. Stay focused on yourself and what is happening in your body. This will keep you grounded so that you do not get pulled into their woe-is-me drama.
4. If they are complaining and moaning, calmly say, “I am sorry to hear you are struggling. What are you going to do about it?”
5. To make themselves feel better they will criticize you and your efforts. They will attempt to control and micromanage you. Mirror this back to them. Calmly state, “You seem more stressed out than usual today. Are you okay?” This will help center you in your reality, not theirs.

Once you have seen them for who they are and you know what you are dealing with, it’s best to go low-contact or no-contact. You will never win when you are up against this type of personality. They will drain you emotionally, spiritually, mentally and even financially. They have no respect for boundaries and will tug at your heart strings. It will take Herculean effort on your part to try and keep the relationship balanced — energy you would rather spend living your own life.

Resources and further reading:

Emotional Terrorism: Breaking the Chains of a Toxic Relationship Kindle Edition by Erin Leonard

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing after Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse by Debbie Mirza

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People Kindle Edition by George K. Simon